The Feeling Cycle and How to Stop Attraction

What do we do with feelings?

It is easy to say we should just live them, but feelings can be painful, they can be confusing, and they can be damn inconvenient.

I have had a rough time with feelings in my life; for the longest time I wished I didn't have to feel them at all. I willed myself to be numb.
At times I managed that- to feel nothing. The big problem being that feeling nothing is about as crummy as feeling crummy.

So I learned how to feel. It took a long time. I had many relapses into wanting to be numb. But that is not an easy possibility for most people. Especially hard for someone who doesn't really drink, and entirely doesn't do drugs.

Acceptance of my feelings was the biggest thing. To accept that I could feel ______, and that that was okay. I didn't have to like it, I could try and change it, but I had to recognise the fact that at that moment I did, in fact, feel that way.

Which has led me to where I am now. I accept my feelings. I frequently do not like them, but I accept them, and allow them to happen.

That is where the inconvenience comes in.

I have feelings for someone. Okay, I can accept that and let them happen- which I have been doing.
However now I am getting signals from them that my feelings are deeper than theirs; a very common predicament.

And I'm actually okay with that! I do not mind trying to ramp the feelings down. I think I would actually prefer the relationship on that "lower" level.

I just don't know how.

I never got to lesson two of feeling school: how to change them.
Okay, that is a lie, I know the basic gist- thoughts become actions, actions become emotions, emotions become thoughts. Alter any one and the others will follow.

And I've done it before to good effect.
It is just always a hard process.

I'm just glad it never broached the line into a romantic attraction; as a greyromantic individual I find that kind of attraction very hard to deal with, both having and getting rid of.
But it did cross the lines from aesthetic and platonic to sexual and sensual attractions.
And that sensual one is killer for me. The other three are easy enough to toss to the side as needed. But the sensual one... It lingers.

Which comes back to, what do we do with feelings? Specifically misplaced ones?

What actions do I need to take to change my thoughts and feelings? I can't control my feelings, I have only a little control of my thoughts, but my actions... I can change my actions however I like.

I don't know what actions I need to take, but I'm going to do whatever I can think of. A beautiful side effect of feeling love for someone is that you want to give them what they desire. In this case their desire is for me to not desire them.

Wish me luck.

It will be okay, if you let it be.

I've been talking with a friend, and that got me thinking- a dangerous pastime, I know.

People live in fear.
(Not the most revolutionary thought, but bear with me.)

People lie, deceive, fight, and generally feel bad... because they live in fear.
We fear talking to one another. We fear sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves with others.
We fear ridicule, exclusion, outright rejection.
We fear feeling hurt.

We fear talking to each other. But that is often exactly what we need to do to alleviate the fear!

If we can be honest with those around us, if we can be open, and clear, and just say what we mean (and mean what we say), then we can get rid of the unknown "will they like me, won't they say no, what are they thinking?"

Once the unknown becomes known, the fear is defeated.
Sure, it could be replaced with hurt. Or it could be replaced with joy.
New fears may come to light, but old ones will be reduced to shadows.

But no matter what happens, you have been honest, with yourself and with others. You have made your thoughts, feelings, and needs clear- open to the world.
How can you get what you want if you do not ask for it?

I think the hardest thing is figuring out how to be okay no matter the outcome. Then you are strong enough to face the fear.
Ask someone a question, will you be okay with any answer?

Lets say you ask someone for a date. There are only two likely outcomes:

Yes,
or,
No.

Will you be comfortable with either of those?

Not necessarily like both of them (surely one is more preferable), but be able to say "That is an acceptable answer."?

Say they say yes. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?
Say they say no. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?

Until you can be okay with any answer (again, don't have to like it), the fear will still be there, will still be winning.
Until you can be comfortable that your feelings are valid and valuable, you'll always be hinged on what other people say, how they react.
You have to be okay. 
Okay with feeling hurt. Okay with feeling dumb. Okay with the 'bad' things in this world.
Otherwise you are giving other people the power to dictate your emotional state.

You don't have to LIKE them! By gosh, you can hate them.
But you have to be okay. You have to accept that those feelings can happen, and let them happen.

Or you will forever be in fear.