A Different Kind of Hope

The one thing I've gained from this time of upheaval and change in my life is something that, up until now, I've felt I had little of in my life.

Choice. Options. Freedom.

You see, part of the journey I have gone through is the shedding of old thoughts, of old dreams, hopes, desires.
I have shed chunks of my old self like dead skin.
I am still in the process of doing this, and there are other parts I want to shed. Other motivations (or lack there of), other thought processes and ruts that I want to leave by the wayside.

I am slowly erasing and rewriting the giant storyboard that is my future.

But part of this metamorphosis involves the very difficult and scary process of finding new goals, new hopes, new stars to shoot for. Of, in certain ways, designing a new person to become.

Now, perhaps this has something to do with the other things occurring in my life, mainly my transition from perceived female to perceived male. There is an almost necessary reinvention of self involved with such a life change.

But I want to take it beyond that. I am young, I have no commitments (no job, to significant other, no kids, no mortgage), and no attachments other than my parents, my cat, and my friends. I am in a prime position to upheave my life and change the path that I am walking on. (If we discount the fact that I also have no money, and some student debt)

So the questions then become: What do I do with this freedom? Who do I want to be?

And I don't have an answer.

At least, not a clear and solid one. I have had flashes, ningling feelings, patchwork glimpses of bits and pieces that I want.
All that's left is finding the backing to stitch them to, and the thread to tie it all together.

So I no longer have the clear-cut hopes I grew up with, the crumbling foundation that never supported me the way I wanted it to. Instead I no longer have other peoples' thoughts clouding my mind, and I'm trying to grow wings to stop the fall.

And that's a different kind of hope altogether.

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor