The Feeling Cycle and How to Stop Attraction

What do we do with feelings?

It is easy to say we should just live them, but feelings can be painful, they can be confusing, and they can be damn inconvenient.

I have had a rough time with feelings in my life; for the longest time I wished I didn't have to feel them at all. I willed myself to be numb.
At times I managed that- to feel nothing. The big problem being that feeling nothing is about as crummy as feeling crummy.

So I learned how to feel. It took a long time. I had many relapses into wanting to be numb. But that is not an easy possibility for most people. Especially hard for someone who doesn't really drink, and entirely doesn't do drugs.

Acceptance of my feelings was the biggest thing. To accept that I could feel ______, and that that was okay. I didn't have to like it, I could try and change it, but I had to recognise the fact that at that moment I did, in fact, feel that way.

Which has led me to where I am now. I accept my feelings. I frequently do not like them, but I accept them, and allow them to happen.

That is where the inconvenience comes in.

I have feelings for someone. Okay, I can accept that and let them happen- which I have been doing.
However now I am getting signals from them that my feelings are deeper than theirs; a very common predicament.

And I'm actually okay with that! I do not mind trying to ramp the feelings down. I think I would actually prefer the relationship on that "lower" level.

I just don't know how.

I never got to lesson two of feeling school: how to change them.
Okay, that is a lie, I know the basic gist- thoughts become actions, actions become emotions, emotions become thoughts. Alter any one and the others will follow.

And I've done it before to good effect.
It is just always a hard process.

I'm just glad it never broached the line into a romantic attraction; as a greyromantic individual I find that kind of attraction very hard to deal with, both having and getting rid of.
But it did cross the lines from aesthetic and platonic to sexual and sensual attractions.
And that sensual one is killer for me. The other three are easy enough to toss to the side as needed. But the sensual one... It lingers.

Which comes back to, what do we do with feelings? Specifically misplaced ones?

What actions do I need to take to change my thoughts and feelings? I can't control my feelings, I have only a little control of my thoughts, but my actions... I can change my actions however I like.

I don't know what actions I need to take, but I'm going to do whatever I can think of. A beautiful side effect of feeling love for someone is that you want to give them what they desire. In this case their desire is for me to not desire them.

Wish me luck.

It will be okay, if you let it be.

I've been talking with a friend, and that got me thinking- a dangerous pastime, I know.

People live in fear.
(Not the most revolutionary thought, but bear with me.)

People lie, deceive, fight, and generally feel bad... because they live in fear.
We fear talking to one another. We fear sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves with others.
We fear ridicule, exclusion, outright rejection.
We fear feeling hurt.

We fear talking to each other. But that is often exactly what we need to do to alleviate the fear!

If we can be honest with those around us, if we can be open, and clear, and just say what we mean (and mean what we say), then we can get rid of the unknown "will they like me, won't they say no, what are they thinking?"

Once the unknown becomes known, the fear is defeated.
Sure, it could be replaced with hurt. Or it could be replaced with joy.
New fears may come to light, but old ones will be reduced to shadows.

But no matter what happens, you have been honest, with yourself and with others. You have made your thoughts, feelings, and needs clear- open to the world.
How can you get what you want if you do not ask for it?

I think the hardest thing is figuring out how to be okay no matter the outcome. Then you are strong enough to face the fear.
Ask someone a question, will you be okay with any answer?

Lets say you ask someone for a date. There are only two likely outcomes:

Yes,
or,
No.

Will you be comfortable with either of those?

Not necessarily like both of them (surely one is more preferable), but be able to say "That is an acceptable answer."?

Say they say yes. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?
Say they say no. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?

Until you can be okay with any answer (again, don't have to like it), the fear will still be there, will still be winning.
Until you can be comfortable that your feelings are valid and valuable, you'll always be hinged on what other people say, how they react.
You have to be okay. 
Okay with feeling hurt. Okay with feeling dumb. Okay with the 'bad' things in this world.
Otherwise you are giving other people the power to dictate your emotional state.

You don't have to LIKE them! By gosh, you can hate them.
But you have to be okay. You have to accept that those feelings can happen, and let them happen.

Or you will forever be in fear.

Semi-Annual Update

Here I am again, blogosphere! (always wanted to use that word!)

I felt it was time to give an update, and thought I might try writing here a bit more again.
We'll see how that goes, I am rather spotty with this stuff.

These last six months have been some of the most turbulent I've had in quite a while, and perhaps the best since I was young. A lot has changed, and I've come to realise I've changed a lot.

I started school again back in September- something I thought I wouldn't do for many more years.
This came about only by completely forsaking my past dreams.

I have, for many years now, wanted to be a librarian. I wanted to spend time in the library, shelve books, do research, help people.
I went to school for that exact purpose! I took two years of post-secondary schooling to earn my Library and Information Technician diploma (an Associate's Degree). I loved everything I learned, I especially loved cataloging and my placements.
But I didn't love myself.
That last day of school was incredibly tough on me and mine- I was very close to successful in a suicide attempt.
I moved back home after that, defeated, tired, broken. I had given up on everything, I had given up on giving up. I was ready to just live life at the bare minimum until I could finally f'ing leave this world.
I got a job at a big box store. A soul-sucking, mind numbing, physical labour job on the night shifts. They screwed me over from day one, telling me I was full time(and giving me full time hours) but hiring me as part-time. So no benefits for me!
I worked there for a while before managing to move out somewhat on my own. My mom rented out the upper apartment and I the lower of a two apartment unit.
I actually did quite well on my own- for a few months, I ate healthily, I got to a good weight, I got to work on time, enjoyed my time off.
Soon though it all caught up to me. I started getting depressed again. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't go to work. I had to take a leave of absence. Then another. Then finally I had to quit- because I was moving to Ottawa to live with my Blue Bird!
As we know things got a little better from there.
Then worse.
Then good.
Then weird.

Now I am here, and I realised I was never going to be that librarian. The person who wanted to be that didn't even exist any more. That brings us up to about here.

I waded in that uncertainty for a while. In that time I became vegan again- a very good choice!
I decided in August that I wanted to open and run a vegan restaurant. If you can't find a job make one, right?

So on the 2nd of September I applied to St. Lawrence for Business Fundamentals. On the 4th I was accepted. On the 8th, I started. And it has been a bit of a ride since then!



OSAP has been a bitch, but I think I've got that sorted.
Decide I don't want to date or think about girls until I was a bit more... man.
That went so well /s. Met a very pretty girl.
Oops, I think she thinks I'm stalking her?
Oh well.
"Shit, my penis broke!" is not a sentence any man wants to have to say.
Oh, shit, her boyfriend is mad.
Avoid, avoid, don't make this weird/creepy, avoid.
OSAP wasn't sorted, maybe it is now?
Nope.
Starting gender therapy? YES!
I guess I'm f'ed if I really want to start a restaurant- it's going to be years of saving money and no one who knows things about the business thinks it'll work out.
Finally, OSAP!
Oh, I guess I like accounting now.
I can have an appointment around February to start hormones? !!!!
Oh, fuck, I really like accounting now.
Is.. is my teacher really that cool, or am I crazy?
Whelp, I guess I'm an accountant now.
Yes, yes she really is that cool.
Oh, gosh, and she's nice.
GSA! GSA!
I think I'm weirding her out.
Queer sports!
Nope, she's into it.
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
I think we're friends now?
Holidays are tomorrow?!
We're definitely friends now.
4.0 GPA? o.o



And now we're now. I'm doing really well in school!

I'm an accounting major now. That puts at least another year on my plate, probably 3.5 more though, as I think I'll aim for CPA.
What have I gotten myself into?

Despite thinking I should stay away from girls I've lus(h/t)ed after one and... entangled... myself in another. Girls are weird, mang. But that is a whole different kind of blog post.

I have been getting psychotherapy! It is great- despite causing an existential crisis. Through that I have been put on a wait list for an endocrinologist in Peterborough- probably see them mid February, and start testosterone soon after? o3o?



There. That's your update for today. Though I feel like I have a bunch more to say (and probably some things to elaborate on, but...).

I believe...

Do you ever sit and wonder about this mess we've made of the world?
I find myself doing that a lot.

I know it doesn't help anyone or anything to be bitter or complain. It's just that sometimes the world feels overwhelmingly diseased.
Humans have stripped and raped the earth, beaten it to within an inch of its life. And yet the "people in charge", as it were, seem to not realise... or, maybe more accurately, not care.

It is hard to look at dying ecosystems, suffering livestock, polluted waters, smog filled skies, starving and homeless masses, endless pointless wars, and people growing sicker every year... and think "this is how it is supposed to be".
Just because the upper echelons are telling us that this is the best way.

Statistics tell us that crime rates are going down. After hitting a peak in the early '90's they've been steadily going down.
They show that undernourishment has also been dropping since then.
War (deaths) is down. Life expectancy is up.
Yet what do we see in the media? What messages are we bombarded with on a daily basis?

Be afraid.
Consume more.
Hate yourself.
Don't be informed, learn from us.

Why can't the world be idealised?
I mean, I recognise that not everyone shares the same ideals... However I have to think that there are some underlying commonalities. If only for my own sanity and hope.

So here's what I believe.

I believe that lifeforms were not made unto this world to suffer.
I believe there are ways of living happily, with wealth, that do not involve harming others.
I believe there is enough in this world for everyone to live a life of wealth and happiness.
I believe that most of today's "necessities" are useless and wasteful.
I believe that most of what today is considered "waste" are the important things.
I believe that the world is flawed, and we need to change it.
And I believe simplicity is the answer.

So out with the new, and in with the old.

“The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.”

― Hugh MacLeod 

A Different Kind of Hope

The one thing I've gained from this time of upheaval and change in my life is something that, up until now, I've felt I had little of in my life.

Choice. Options. Freedom.

You see, part of the journey I have gone through is the shedding of old thoughts, of old dreams, hopes, desires.
I have shed chunks of my old self like dead skin.
I am still in the process of doing this, and there are other parts I want to shed. Other motivations (or lack there of), other thought processes and ruts that I want to leave by the wayside.

I am slowly erasing and rewriting the giant storyboard that is my future.

But part of this metamorphosis involves the very difficult and scary process of finding new goals, new hopes, new stars to shoot for. Of, in certain ways, designing a new person to become.

Now, perhaps this has something to do with the other things occurring in my life, mainly my transition from perceived female to perceived male. There is an almost necessary reinvention of self involved with such a life change.

But I want to take it beyond that. I am young, I have no commitments (no job, to significant other, no kids, no mortgage), and no attachments other than my parents, my cat, and my friends. I am in a prime position to upheave my life and change the path that I am walking on. (If we discount the fact that I also have no money, and some student debt)

So the questions then become: What do I do with this freedom? Who do I want to be?

And I don't have an answer.

At least, not a clear and solid one. I have had flashes, ningling feelings, patchwork glimpses of bits and pieces that I want.
All that's left is finding the backing to stitch them to, and the thread to tie it all together.

So I no longer have the clear-cut hopes I grew up with, the crumbling foundation that never supported me the way I wanted it to. Instead I no longer have other peoples' thoughts clouding my mind, and I'm trying to grow wings to stop the fall.

And that's a different kind of hope altogether.

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor

Divine Dines: "Better"finger Bars

Welcome back to Divine Dines!
This week we're taking a look at a fabulous dessert bar recipe that I found on Chocolate Covered Katie.

Vegan "Better"finger bars.

And you're just like "what?". They are like Butterfinger bars, but "better" for you. Get it?

Now, you can see her whole recipe here along with some absolutely drool worthy pictures, but as usual I will relay what I did here:

Ingredients:

• 1/4 corn syrup
• 1 tbsp molasses 
• 3 1/2 tbsp sugar
• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 1/2 cups Special K
• 1/8 tsp salt 

I doubled the recipe.

1. In a medium saucepan combine the corn syrup, molasses and sugar. 
2. Bring to a boil on medium heat
3. Stir constantly for about a minute
4. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and salt
5. Return to heat to melt peanut butter because it took too long adding it
6. Remove from heat and add cereal
7. Curse yourself for using such a small pan
8. Return to heat to make mixture soft enough to stir in cereal, making sure it is evenly coated
9. Once fully coated remove from heat
10. Press mixture into a pan lined with parchment (8x8 for a single dose recipe)
11. Freeze until solid
12. Thaw enough to cut into bars
13. Eat

Optionally melt some chocolate and coat the tops of the bars before cutting. I didn't and they were still amazing.