Precipitous Life Changes

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I have a track record of spur of the moment life changes.
I just thought I would go more in depth on that.

First, here is a list of the more major life changes I can recall making on spur of the moment:

1.The most recent, of course, is to do Positivity Journaling.
2. Becoming vegetarian (with a focus towards veganism)
3. Stopping cutting
4. Getting my ears pierced
5. Burning a bunch of writing

The main problem with spur of the moment change is that you are acting without considering the possible ramifications of the action.

How will you feel about the change?
How will it effect others?
Is it sound financially?

None of these things get considered when you just jump head first into a decision.

However, out of those five examples I can only point to one that turned out to be a majorly bad idea.
So considering the risks, how is it I manage to make spur of the moment changes with a high success rate, and little regret?

I'll let you in on a little secret...
They weren't really spur of the moment.
In fact, the only one that really was is the only one I regret.

You see, while I make changes "cold turkey" as the saying goes, they are not unconsidered.

Except for #5 (which I will go into in a bit), all of these decisions were considered extensively... sub and semiconciously.

Let's start with #1. As stated in the same post linked above, that idea had been rattling in my head for months. The idea that I do not write about positive things.
However, in none of the conscious thoughts was there the idea of changing my bent or starting a Positivity Journal. Until the very moment I wrote the last piece of this post the thought had not crossed my mind in any recognizable form.
The reason I am having success with this change is not because I considered it for hours (because I did not). Nor is it because I am held accountable by this blog (which I obviously don't feel).
The reason I am having success is that I am ready for the change.

Let's now apply this to point #2.
When I left school, I was in a bad place.
Horrible.
I had just attempted suicide. I was still under the influence of an overdose, and I had barely drank or eaten anything for many days up to that point.
And yet, under this clouded judgement, I made one of the best decisions I feel I've ever made in regards to diet.
My mother took me to a restaurant and I ordered a vegetarian meal, after making a point of looking for something without meat.
When questioned I told her I wanted to become a vegetarian.
Until the precise moment those words left my mouth, I had not thought them to be true.
But the moment I said them, I knew it was.

In the weeks previous I had been looking at vegan recipes in order to cook for a friend.
I knew the recipes seemed appealing, but I continued an omnivorous diet.
But somewhere in me the pieces slowly came together.

I don't like eating most animal products.
A lot of them make me feel a bit sick, even in small amounts.
All of these recipes look and sound delicious.
Cooking this way is cheaper, and more filling.
All of these things slotted together until put in place by my sleeping-pill-addled mind to make me realise that, duh, I want this.
I was ready for the change.

Brings us to point #3, which has a slight variation.
Almost a year ago I stopped cutting.
And somehow I know I never will again.
You see, one night as I was doing it I noticed... this doesn't feel good anymore.
This doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fix the problem, it doesn't do anything.

Which, of course, seems obvious to people who have never had an addiction, or don't realise theirs.
For me, though, this was a startling realisation.
While I had expressed a desire to stop (on many occasions!), knew that it was bad, knew it didn't help, etc., etc., I always came back to it.
Why was this? What was it giving me?
I still do not really know.

All I know is that on that night I put my knives away and could not understand it. I could not by any means wrap my head around why I had just done what I did.
It was a major change, and I would not say it was unconsidered. I considered it every day for five or more years!
But at that moment, I became (yes) ready for the change.
And that is why it is succeeding.

Onto a lighter topic for a moment to defuse some of that depressing funky smell.
#4, getting my ears pierced.
I never wanted my ears pierced. I didn't see the point of jewelry.
Still have a hard time with more than the barest idea.
But one day while we prepared for my eighth grade graduation my mum and I were in the mall, and she asked if I wanted my ears pierced.
Deciding "What the hell, why not?", I did.
I still have my ears pierced, I have not let them grow over.
I actually quite like having the option of wearing something on occasion, though I mostly do not.
And looking back on it, I can say it had crossed my mind a bit in the time up until then. I just never had a good reason to do it.
It took grad to make me ready.

Now, back to a more depressing thing.
But also the exception to my list.

Early last summer I was cleaning out my basement room to bring my things up to the (much smaller) guest bedroom.
I was in a good emotional space, I think. I was off my medication, I felt happy enough. (I've since learned that I was probably still under effects of the drug, it can take months to fully stop effecting your system!)
So when I came across all the old things I had written in the heat of my depression, my suicide notes, my rambling letters, my pages of the word "sorry" written over and over in 3mm high letters... I collected it all up. Pulled out the most important and least depressing pieces. The artier ones.
The rest?

I dumped it in the fire pit and lit a match. (actually a lighter...) To really drive the point home? That was the only time I've ever played with gasoline. I dumped about 500ml onto the flames to make sure it all died.

And as I watched it burn?

I had to do everything in my power not to stick my hands into the fire and pull it out, save whatever I could.
And I honestly wish I had, no matter the burns I would have gotten.

You see I did not consider that decision. I was not ready to let those things go.
I erased a huge part of my history, and I can never get it back.
There are many things I do not remember about those five years that would be so helpful to know, would help me understand a lot of things.
Like why I cut. I know I explained it more than once in those writings. When and why and how I started.
Like what exactly happened in the sexual abuse I went through. Flash backs only give you part of the story.
Like descriptions of the hallucinations I saw and heard.
Like the blood I spilled to write in my language.
Like the drawings I did that show things I don't fully understand anymore.

All these memories, all these important pieces of me... five years of my life consumed to ashes.
I still feel pain when I think about having done that.


Ahem.
Anyway.

The point of this post was merely to point out the whole "ready for change" concept.
Change will happen when it is, if you let it. You just have to be open to where your heart leads you.
However, at the same time, making a decision overnight is a good recipe for disaster.

Focus on the Positive~!

Something I've never quite understood about myself is my lack of desire to journal (or blog) during what may be called "up" times.
You see, I like to keep a diary.
At least, I think I do.
But I find that when things are going really well, when I am feeling really good, good things are happening, the depression is at bay... I don't feel that urge to write about what is going on.
If I'm lucky I will feel the urge to write fiction.
But not about reality.

And I can't quite put my finger on why this is.

Now, don't take that to mean that things are bad right now.
Quite the opposite, in fact.

I just noticed it (again) recently.

See, I had that depressive episode at the end of April.
Which kind of soured my May as well (and a bit of June).
And I was writing in my diary, and on here.
Then I met a (wondrous) girl, started hearing back from possible job people, seeing friends, going to Ottawa...
And suddenly I have no desire to write.
Then had a close encounter of the bitchy kind with my old... friend...y...person...thing, R, and suddenly wanted to journal again.

The reason this disturbs me is such:
By writing down my negative thoughts and feelings am I not giving them permanence that I do not then lend to the positive ones?

I can easily look back and say "Oh, yeah, I really felt shit that day."
But I can't easily point somewhere and say "Look how many good things happened then!"

And even when I do journal about good things, or things I think are good, I tend to end up pulling out the negatives-- my fears, worries, where I think I screwed up or will.

And perhaps the reason I do this is tied to the idea of secrecy that our society places on "negative" feelings.
People are "supposed" to be happy. So we are taught from a young age not to show when we are upset (if we don't have to).
It is socially acceptable to be joyous-- but looked far down upon to be in a rage.

So perhaps what happened is I started writing the negative feelings because there was nowhere else to safely  (in my head) release them. But there is no ingrained feeling of needing to write down positive thoughts, because I can let them show.

It could also lead back to my habit of (over)analysing things. I don't want to look too closely at the good feelings for fear I will turn them into bad feelings.


I guess what I am getting at is I am going to try journaling something good every day for the next month.
Try and describe only the good aspects of it, why it makes me feel good, etc.
And see if at the end of that, it becomes as habitual as my other journaling.

I think focusing on the positive is a great piece of advice, and one too hastily rejected. So I'll stop being a hypocrite and try it out.

Some thoughts on Gender

I don't know what I am.
People seem to expect me to. People seem to want me to.
Because that is one of the first things we learn in life.

We learn who our parents are, we learn what we look like. We learn that we are a girl. Or a boy.
And those are our two options.

We aren't expected to change that fact, but if we do we are expected to flip the switch and go the other way entirely.

And I thought I could deal with that, when this all started.
I was confused. I was scared. So I kept the switch on. I taped it that way.  Heck, tried to glue the damn thing in position. And I did pretty well. Nearly seven years I ignored the damn thing.
I was a girl. For every necessary idea, for every purpose, every extent.

Then this whole thing started up again.
So many things had started to settle down, so I guess my brain decided it was a good time to remind me.
I was settling so many lies within myself that I guess I had to settle this, a major one.

But the options available don't work for me.

I am not a girl. I do not like the social context that girls are given. I do not like being seen as a girl. I don't like girl clothes, girl talk, make up, the ideal "female image". I don't want to have breasts, or to have kids.

And I know I am not a boy.
I don't like boy hobbies. I don't want a penis, I don't want to to hide my feelings or to feel unable to cry.
But I know I don't have to be a macho-man. But I know I don't have to be a girly-girl.

I know I don't have to like dresses, or doing my hair. Nor do I have to want to have DD-cup breasts and an eighteen inch waist. I don't have to have seventeen kids, or marry a man.
I don't have to drive a motorcycle. I don't have to sleep with everything in sight. I don't have to bottle everything up inside.
I can ask for directions, I can keep a level head-- not go all emotional at the slightest provocation.

So I don't know what I am.
I know I am not a boy, I know I am not a girl.
But those are the options given.

So I try to pretend that I am okay with this middle ground. Genderqueer. Genderfluid. GenderFUCKED.
I try to pretend that it is okay.

But it isn't, not really.
It matters to me, no matter how much I want it not to. I need the labels. I don't want the labels, but I need them.

I can't be a female bodied man, even if that works for other people.
I can't be a male bodied woman, even if the surgeon people would allow that.
I can't be a MAN, I can't be a WOMAN.

The only thing that I can think I want is to be seen as a man-- male pronouns, male name, male expectations-- but to be a woman-- female body, female feelings, female hobbies.

All I can do is think of the things I want. Because anything more than that, I am incapable of.

Unfortunately the things I want are twisty inside, so I am still trying to figure them out.

Another response post...

Hey there. It's 4:30 on a Monday morning, and I haven't gone to bed yet. And I'm not entirely sure when I woke up. Oh well.

Another blog I read posted something interesting that I wanted to reply to. But once again, I am too verbose and would feel like I am stealing the comments with my big response.
The blog, Raptitude, posts some really thought provoking things reasonably frequently.
And I encourage you to check it out. Here, however, is the specific post I am replying to: It's another Monday morning, do you know where you are?

“Here” is on my bed, in my room in my mother’s house. My hide-y hole, the only place in this house I really feel any semblance of safe, free, true. The only place I can do what I want, say what I want, look at what I want… but I still have to be careful.

Even here I feel bound and constricted.

I am here, with the most bluntness, because I failed in a suicide attempt a bit more than a week ago.

On a more general level, I am here because I have no where better to be, nowhere else that wants me, because college ended a bit more than a week ago, because I don’t yet have a job.

How did I get to this point, of a recovering suicidal, depressive, lovesick, feel-for-nothing genderqueer? 

That is a very long story, and most of it is irrelevant to this specific post, but I think I am going to explore it after this.

Today feels unimpressive to me. 

It feels about the same as yesterday and only marginally better than a week ago. Worse than a year ago, okay enough compared to a month ago.

I have a girl on my mind, nearly constantly; and it is pissing me off. The things I feel for her are more than either of us want from our relationship, at this point.

At the same time my brain is being pulled about by the need to find a job, by the depressing facts of my past and a person I saw from it recently; by the seemingly quietly hostile environment I am in.

Returning to my thoughts? 

The nothingness of my existence. My lack of control in all things my life.

The fact that if I let myself, I would have an eating disorder. That I fuck with my sleep patterns in order to control something, the same way as an anorexic controls food.

That even that doesn’t offer me any real control over my life.

The fact I that I haven’t cut myself for exactly five months.

But if I could, I would.

The fact that I don’t want to be in love, at the very least ever again.

That I can’t let myself feel things, because it ends in pain.

The insanity and obvious depressive elements to how I think.

My life, at this precise moment, is heading nowhere. I have no prospects for change. All I keep thinking is “If you change nothing, nothing will change.”. And yet it feels like I have no choice in my inactivity. That I have no option but to do the same things “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And that’s all I’ll ever get.

Coming up? 

Eventually I’ll have to find a job that’ll take me. I’ll probably hate it—majority of the world hates their job. Maybe I’ll actually find a girl who will look past how broken I am and try to love me—I’ll probably fuck it up, as I have told myself I am not allowed to love again. That, and I am never enough, or the right thing for anyone. And that cycle will continue. New girls, new jobs. Eventually I might come across some I don’t hate, and can allow myself to love. Then I mess with that until I time out. Until life finally f’ing ends, and I finally get what I want. For what will feel like the first time.

What seems to be exiting my life… Relationships, a whole lot of them. Some not so important, some so crucially important I felt like they were tearing me to pieces to leave them. But now I have killed that feeling. Put it away somewhere dark and quiet. Maybe I’ll take this box out again someday and actually feel the emotions. But until then, I am as close to happy as I am capable of. So I’ll keep shoving it aside because I have cried too many tears.

So in the end, right now I am coasting. I am doing whatever makes sense at the time with the hope that it’ll all turn out. Because in the most fucked up way possible, I am one of the most hopeful people in the world.

I wield my hope like a sharpened boomerang. 

Did I chose to be here?

No. On even the most basic level, no.

I chose death over everything that I currently have.

And if I thought I could pull it off, I'd still chose it. 

If I had anywhere better to be, I would be.

So everything just sort of settled this way.

I am waiting to hear back from a job that I am hoping against hope I will be called to an interview for. That I want more than nearly anything else at this point to get.

I am avoiding a great number of things.

I am not really excited for anything, because nothing really feels worth getting excited about.

And finally:

Do I feel like I am where I am supposed to be?

I feel like I am in the only place I can be. Which is very close, but not at all the same thing.

That feels like a good snapshot of where I am. Depressing, hopeful, apathetic, over emotional. 

That said I do like the exercise, because I am a big fan of self-reflection. I hope others will participate as well.

A response

So I was reading a post from a blog I follow, and I wanted to respond. However my response got quite long. So instead I am posting it here.

The original post is this one:

http://bizzycrochet.blogspot.ca/2012/03/politically-incorrect-post.html

And my response follows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I agree with some of the backing to your points, the feelings I think are behind them, but not the points themselves.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

I don't feel the need to go around telling everyone I'm queer. And, in fact, I rarely do any more. Most people can figure it out for themselves based on my comments and actions. It comes up passively in conversations nowadays.

But I did go through a period where I did tell people. The whole "coming out" thing.

I guess the reason that people feel the need to tell everyone is because people tend to assume "straightness".

I'm not straight. No more than I am black, a man, red headed or long haired.

But people can tell that I am white, can see my short hair, assume I am not a man; all just by looking at me.

But they can't tell my queer status. And while that is fine (most people don't need to know) it can make for awkward times if I want to get closer to someone.

I want people to know I am queer up front because it can save a lot of pain later on. There are people out there that reject queer people. And the sooner into the relationship I can determine their stance, the less pain will be brought from the rejection.

As for a personal blog of a queer person not having much in common... I think that is a bit presumptuous.

I still have relationship issues, I still go to work, I still talk about reading and movies, if I had kids I might talk about them... I still eat, drink, do arts. I could still own a home, run a family. I still go to school. Honestly, the issues we could face are much the same.

It is very similar to saying you wouldn't want to read the blog of a black man because you are a white woman, what could you have in common?
I'm a reasonable example, I've had maybe two out of seventy posts revolve around a queer issue-- and that is because I am currently going through some things.

Keeping it to yourself on TV/Movies... do you protest the idea of a straight person playing a queer person? A Christian playing an Atheist? What about a perfect husband playing a wife-beater?

The joy of actors is that they can play roles that they don't fit into perfectly in their home life. I'd protest more the idea that someone has to embody who they are playing in their personal life-- we'd have a lot more murderers running around.

As for school... ideally no one would be bullied. But that dream is a long way off. Right now it is being targeted because of all the suicides. If a rash of 'drama geeks' were to suddenly decide suicide was the best option, chances are there would be action taken.

Honestly, I was bullied for a lot of things in school. I am shy, I don't do sports, I like video games and the internet too much, I got too good of grades... Only once was I ever targeted for being queer. And that one time I was beaten black and blue. All the other things were taunts, a push maybe. It is the severity of the bullying around this issue that makes it so important at this point.

I've always had a hard time understanding Pride parades. For any reason, race, orientation, religion... They seem excessive.

I don't wear a shirt that says "Gay Pride". The closest I have is one that says "4 out of 5 cats prefer lesbians". I wear that because a friend gave it to me, not because I'm queer.

However they are good ways to keep the issues at hand.

There are no straight parades because there is little need to celebrate a majority. They aren't under duress.

As for the Chritianity/religion/Jesus/God thing... Not everyone believes the same thing, as you said. Unfortunately some people believe in spreading hate and fear. With time, and luck, those people may become less common.

Honestly, I did find some of your opinions questionable, but I can agree to an extent. The only thing I found affronting was the idea that you should pray for people who you are trying not to judge. It seems inapproriate to pray for the person. Perhaps pray for an understanding of the person (for your own use), but the person them selves should be able to make the choice of hw and who and what for, when it comes to prayer.

I am sorry you could not keep your friend on Facebook because of their friends, and I am really sorry they attacked you like that. Unfortunately on every side of any issue there will be people like that.

I'm not trying to sound hostile, I hope it didn't come across that way >.>

A Gooey Browser

Let me talk to you for a bit about my dream for the future of internets.

This is the first part, as there are many things I want to say, and the future part(s) will have pictures (yay) hand-drawn by me(ohmai).

Let us start with one thing thing, that would in the end be two.

My biggest issue with StumbleUpon is that there is no in-between, between thumbs up and thumbs down. And then that there is no way to sort the things I liked.

I want an all-around net experience, either in website or browser form (though browser would probably be more effective and powerful for what all I want from my prime internetting experience.)

I want something that can divide my screen into... lets call them carrels. Customizable configuration and number.
I can do this a bit with Windows 7 and browser tabs. But I want something a bit more... gooey... than that.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't pursued my idea for this thing any further than just wanting it (even with my limited coding and such knowledge) is that I can't think of any way to build a better tagging engine. At least, not without more people on board with a Dublin Core or similar metadata format. Because if no one does the front-end work of tagging things, or classifying them in some system (Dewey, anyone?), at our present level of AI, no computer is going to be able to automatically sort everything and apply tags accordingly.
That's why things stay hidden on Google, I suppose.

Anyway, the vision, I guess.

I want StumbleUpon's functionality, pulling up random sites

(though it would be nice to somehow get things not suggested by users. Truly random websites. That goes back to not having the AI to accurately determine site content. Can't have the program trying random strings of letters/numbers/etc. without some way to determine what it is looking at. (Though, if it were to do this as a subfunction, not directly in the line of use... Forming it's own bank of websites as well as suggestions... Hmm.) Though it would be nice to allow NSFW as a filter so you could 'stumble' porn only, if you were so inclined)

liking and disliking, but I want a third option of 'seen'. Because there are times when something gets pulled up on Stumble that is mildly interesting, so I wouldn't mind seeing more things like it (so I don't want to dislike it) but not so interesting that I want to keep it (so I don't want to like it) but I don't want it to come up again (since I've seen it.) So a third option allowing me to tell the program that I saw the website, and don't want it added to my likes or dislikes would be good.

I would say that I want it to mark every landed page as "seen", but there are times when I skip things on Stumble because it isn't loading well, because I don't have time to look at it long enough yet, or because I think I would like it to come up again sometime, as a surprise, I guess. So I wouldn't want it marked as seen.
Though perhaps something like Google Reader's "Mark Unread" would work instead. Eh.

Anyway. That would be one functionality.

I would also like the option to on-the-fly turn on/off NSFW content, videos, animations and content filters.

I also want a "Challenge Me" filter. StumbleUpon keeps track of what you like and dislike, and formats your experience to you. I once wrote a draft of a post (that never got posted) that touched this. Here is the video I really wanted to show you that explains it a bit:

http://www.ted.com/talks/eli_pariser_beware_online_filter_bubbles.html

I want a filter I can turn on that will show me things that fall outside of those bubbles. Just because I never "liked" anything about Prop 8 being shot down from the conservative perspective doesn't mean I don't want to read it. Or that I should never have a chance to be exposed. It would still only show me new things (unseen), but it would ignore the filters of what I've liked/disliked.

Added to these in-use functions, I want post-use functions. This is where I want to attach bookmarking functions to the StumbleUpon functions (as modified above).

PearlTrees is my bookmarking application of choice. It allows me to organize my favourites into, well, trees.

The desire to set my Tree up in Dewey classification is a constant battle between end-use and front-end work. So far the desire for less front-end work has won out.

Regardless, this is part of why I want a 'seen' button on StumbleUpon, for easier conversion to other areas.

I can't find things I've liked on StumbleUpon. I want to be able to categorize them, or have them categorized for me(preferably). That goes back to the top and AI being unreliable.

Yet I don't know how far I've gotten in transferring my 'likes' into pearls as if I remove the like from the item on SU, it will come up again when I go stumbling. And I can't favourite directly from SU to PearlTrees.

It would be nice to have user-end classification, or tags as well. Because a specific site may mean something specific to me, so I want to give it a tag that I can find it by (say, "showmum"). This shouldn't affect anyone else's classification, just mine, within my "browser".


Now, I'm going to snip this here, mainly because I don't feel I'm making much sense and want to draw up some diagrams and junk to clear my head in order to explain better, but also because I have only touched on two of the many things I want to go into the carrels, and this post would get quite long if I didn't.

GLaDOS is breaking up with you...

Finally got around to listening to the end song of Portal 2. (Yes, I know, been a while.) And this is what I noticed and posted to YouTube, but I wanted to expand upon:

This feels like a breakup song, where the couple have gotten together and broken up over and over again.
If GLaDOS were on the recieving end of a cheating partner.

How to read this: Simple really. The lyrics are bolded, and below them is my continuation/interpretation. Just read down the lines.

I'm going to use the male pronoun for GLaDOS' theoretical partner (TP), just cause I am using the female one for GLaDOS, and I don't want it to get confusing.

Well here we are again

(Kinda obvious, TP is trying to date her again)
It's always such a pleasure
(Sarcasm.)
Remember when you tried
to kill me twice?
(The last two times they broke up, TP was rather nasty, and really hurt her emotionally.)
Oh how we laughed and laughed

(When they got back together, she felt good about it)

Except I wasn't laughing

(But she always had the fear/knowledge it would happen again.)

Under the circumstances
(of TP cheating over and over, as well as being cruel)
I've been shockingly nice
(taking TP back again and again.

You want your freedom?
(TP says she stifles him etc.)
Take it
(She wants TP to have it.)
That's what I'm counting on
(Then TP will leave her alone)
I used to want you dead
(TP hurt her, she wanted him dead.)
but
Now I only want you gone
(She doesn't give a fuck now, she just doesn't want to be with him, or have him around)

She was a lot like you
(This is where things get complicated. She can either be talking about TP's last fling(probably a former friend of GLaDOS'), OR, if TP isn't male/GLaDOS is bisexual, this could be the girl she was with while TP and GLaDOS were broken up, who turned out to be about the same kind of person.)
(Maybe not quite as heavy)
(This fits well with theory 2, if TP was male (if you want literal interpretations here) or if Caroline was a little less serious/deep thinking ("that's heavy, man"))
Now little Caroline is in here too
(Either way Caroline is now in the same boat as TP, with GLaDOS not wanting to see her again.)
One day they woke me up
(Someone other than Caroline and TP finally confronted GLaDOS about this unhealthy cycle)
So I could live forever
(And through this she realised she was worth more, and could have a life.)
It's such a shame the same
will never happen to you
(Probably sarcastic regret that TP will never change/learn/get the happiness of a permanent relationship)

You've got your
short sad life left
(Tiny little man. Your life has little value, as you've never really learned to love.)
That's what I'm counting on
(It gives her a bit of pleasure that he will never get that happiness.)
I'll let you get right to it
(Go on, go continue your life)
Now I only want you gone
(She doesn't want TP around.)

Goodbye my only friend
(Sarcasm, or could be said that GLaDOS still considers TP her best friend in some respects, or a part of TP's personality is.)
Oh, did you think I meant you?
(Fitting with that, she says this to the parts of TP's personality that she doesn't consider her friend.)
That would be funny if it weren't so sad
(It is sad that TP was/is her only good friend, considering what an ass he is.)
Well you have been replaced
(GLaDOS has a new partner, perhaps the one who woke her up.)
I don't need anyone now
(But she has learned not to put all of her self worth into a person's opinion, and no longer needs other people to feel good about herself.)
When I delete you maybe
(From her memory/life)
I'll stop feeling so bad
(She'll finally feel free, etc.)

Go make some new disaster
(Every relationship TP touches gets destroyed, so he is guaranteed to get into more trouble.)
That's what I'm counting on
(Because then TP will try to come crawling back to her)
You're someone else's problem
(But then she can kick TP back to the curb, as he's someone else's problem.)
Now I only want you gone
(Not my problem, go away.)
Now I only want you gone
(Go away.)
Now I only want you...
(I want you....
gone
NOT!)

What don't we know?

It is a question going around the Facebooks' of my friends: Tell me something I don't know about you.

And when you stop to think, how well do you know the people you have on Facebook. (Entertain me for a moment, if you do not have Facebook. Think of a phone's contact list, or people you talk to everyday, or Myspace, Twitter, Tumblr et. al.)

If you're anything like me, not as well as one might want.
I break just under a hundred and half Facebook friends.
I have, at some point or another, met all of them. (With few exceptions. I have not met my sister's boyfriend. I have not met my brothers current wife. About five people I have not met, however I am related to them in some fashion.)

School friends... or acquaintances. Work buddies and/or friendlies. Family. People I meet in various other ways.
Not everyone I've ever met, by any means. I've taken people off my Facebook (Because I don't know them that well), there are people I never accept, or never ask.

But how well do I know any specific one of them?

On average I can probably tell you their name when given a picture, and possibly vice versa.
Birthday? No.
Favourite colour/food/airline? No.

Why I know them and/or have them on Facebook? Most of the time.

I don't know what they are taking in school, I don't know if they have pets or siblings, I don't know if their parents are together or even alive or in the picture.

And I can say the same for them. Chances are they know shit-all about me too. (Unless they are much better Face-stalkers than I...).

What scares me about this isn't that I don't know. It is that I don't care.
For maybe... 15% of those people I know the answers to some/most/all of those questions.
For maybe another... 7% I'd like to know.
(20ish and 10ish people respectively)

That is about thirty people that I want to interact with, that I care about past random curiosity or politeness.

This post has taken a real jog from where I thought it was going.

It comes down to the oft reiterated idea that before Facederp and "social networking", people supposedly knew and cared about more people, because it was necessary.
If I wanted to know the gossip, I had to know you. Or at least someone who knows you.
One didn't get that close to someone without a friendship or a restraining order.

Now I say, hey, that person is some random person I have not talked to except that once, but they are in my class. I'll add them to my -media of choice-. And Now I hear/see everything. Without any effort.
And without the effort the caring goes down.

Anyway, these are old ideas. I want to broach the point of this silly post. (If one can call it a point)

What I was going to say before the rant was how there are these people asking "Tell me something I might not know".
And all I can think is "There's nothing there."
Everything there is to me is out there for you to see. Every nuance, every awkward glance, the things I squwee at, the things I do that scare you.
I have no secrets, or, at least, none that would be worth sharing.

What do you want to know? I am the openest of books.

"If you say something often enough, it dilutes it. Turns the poison into wine, the burns into bug bites. If you say something over and over, eventually it will be gone."
If you tell enough people that you are in pain, or were in pain, or that this'n'that happened here'n'there, they take a tiny bit of it onto their shoulders, a pebble from the boulder you are carrying.

And soon telling people becomes a drug, becomes the one thing you find yourself doing.

And the one thing you hate yourself for.

So no, I have no secrets. I gave mine all away. There is nothing you might not know about me, only things you have never needed to ask.
Because I am an addict to sharing, and you are my dealer.

Yeah, another life update.

If you're wondering, yes, I do get sick of talking about myself to the internets.

However I need to get back into the habit of trolling (or maybe "strolling") all my favourite sites again so I can post some content.

Anyway, until then, things have happened around here. Most notably, I'm back in my Residence, ready to start school again.
Which is neat, I guess.
But I don't really know how to react.

As you might remember, I haven't been on medication for my depression since about February. This next month is going to be the real test of the validity of my decision making skills in that regard.
There are days and hours where I feel the best I've ever felt. Full of hope, joy and intention. And in those times (and to be honest, they are rather frequent) It feels like the best idea I've made, I feel free and happy.
Then of course are the most plentiful times, where there is just the 'heh, heh, yeah...' normalcy. And that is good too! That time is what I used to count as feeling GOOD.
But then there are moments like now. I wouldn't say I am depressed, exactly. But I am down from the "level" place. It's usually precipitated by something. A big move, meeting someone who surprises me, a bad memory, or (as in this case) a dream. And these things get me thinking about things that don't exactly qualify as happy.
And I suppose that this is normal; ups and downs, right? And that doesn't bother me that much.
What bothers me is how hard it is to pull out of a down time.
I never get down enough to be really upset, I just get this general malaise about me that is hard to shake.

And it all comes down to regret or fear.
Like meeting a friend from last year (Lets call her R. Because if for some crazy she reads this, she'll know who she is anyway.) that I treated wrongly. Not really on purpose, and not horrifically, but still. Wrong. I regret acting that way to her. And I'm afraid that I will again. Afraid that she is worried that I will.
The fact that she has specifically forgiven me for those actions, and never found them that discomfiting to begin with doesn't stop either feeling.
Having a dream about my teacher; a great dream! a connected, feel good dream!, but having that dream reminds me of actions I took, and actions taken... not against me, but it sure feels that way some times... anyway, those memories again spark regret and fear. Regret that everything got kinda f'd up then/there, and fear that it will happen again here/now. And regret that I can't fix it here/now. Can't even try.

But the biggest thing right now is sadness. Remembering her is like remembering someone who was very close to you who is dead now.
And she's not dead.

So all of those regrets, all of the things you wish you had said/done/felt/meant, you haven't done those. But you don't even have the cruelty of death to blame for your inability to correct it.

Mix this random dream with moving to a new/old place to be with a new/old person, and meeting Good Ol' R for the first time in months (and spending those months believing she rightly hated me)... then spending a night playing card with her. Trying to make awkward conversation.

All those things together and it's not surprising that I feel a bit wiggy.
But typing this has made me feel better. So I guess that's something.

Now to go see if I can battle Rogers to give me back all of my internet.

Toodles.

MineCraft and Parenting

So today is Wednesday, and there are only three more days until I move back into Residence.
That being true, it seems logical that I would be hopping onto my keyboard to stomp out an excitement filled post about how much school will rock, and how I wish summer weren't over yet, like my keyboard were some kind of hand-pump train car from a cartoon. And while I reserve the right to do so later, right now this post is going to be about MineCraft.

Yup, I finally bought it (or, more truthfully, my Paypal finally caught up with my desires).

And what I wanted to do for a minute here was try and explain why I, and people like me, enjoy MineCraft to the point of squealing.

Being a sandbox game, there is no win condition. Which sounds really stupid to chronic SHUMPers, because without a win condition, how do you know you are done? How can you get satisfaction?

Some people make their own win conditions, like building a 1:1 scale model of the Titanic. Others, like me, are content without a win condition; we are more interested in exploring, trying new things, and building randomly. We don't want a win condition, because that cuts the play-time.
There is no rush to try and finish because there is no finish.

And yeah, you can play, say, Super Mario over and over, even after you have won. Find a few new secrets and such. But the game doesn't change. You get better at it over time, yeah, but the game is the same, the goal is the same.

MineCraft lets you change the goal as often as you can fire neurons. Every world offers different challenges (to a degree). Mods bring this to a greater point of truth.

And I feel the need to make an analogy here. It's a lot like parenting.
Now hear me out.

There is no win condition in parenting. Yeah, yeah, you could say "getting the kid alive to adulthood" or "raising someone who is not a complete dick, or a murderer, or listens to Rebecca Black" or any myriad of things. But the truth is, those aren't win conditions,

The parents whose child died at seven from a car crash or leukemia didn't lose, weren't bad parents. The kid just dies.
And that's because there is no guarantee.
The worst parents in the world; letting their kid smoke, drink, drive ATVs, encourages mullets -- these people can still have a kid who against the odds becomes the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. Likely? Not really. But it could happen.

And the reverse is true. The best parents (whatever that definition is); encouraging reading, school, say no to drugs etc. -- those people can, and do, still raise druggies, drop outs, total dick-wads, and worst of all homosexuals.
Nah, I kid, but the point still stands.

And I guess what I'm saying with all this is that I'd hate the pressure of being a parent because if the kid fucks up, you get blamed for doing 'something' wrong, no matter what you do.

And this does relate to Minecraft, I'm just easily distracted.

Why then, knowing the odds, do people have kids?

Why, knowing their kid is reasonably likely to be a complete asshole, do people continue to procreate?

For the same reasons people play MineCraft.
It's genetically hardwired? Gambling is fun? Who cares if there are more jerks in the world, it's funny?

Okay, no.

It is because people are interested in how things develop over time.

Same reason for plants, pets, stock folders.
I won't say it is a primary reason, but it is in there.

This all made sense as I was typing it, but now it seems a little hard to follow, so I appologise.

Anyway. Sandbox games are interesting to a subset of people who want the ability to control things. You get to see how things grow and mature, but you can control how they grow and mature.
So really I guess I'm saying we players of sandbox games are just control freaks in disguise.

-shrug-

Banana Nut Cheerios

So as many of you know, I love bananas. They are my favourite fruit. Aside from their unfortunate phallic connotations, they are definitely the best.

So it should come as no surprise that my mum bought me Banana Nut Cheerios the other day(along with some banana ice lollies, yay!) so I'm going to try them.

But what is the point of trying new things if it can't be a SCIENCE EXPERIMENT?

Overall expectations: Low.

I mean, there are so few banana flavoured things, and a lot of them suck. There must be something about bananas that make them difficult to work with or something.

Opening the box, first comes smell test:

They smell like cereal. No distinct banana or sugar smell. Just Cheerios.

Look:
Dude, they're Cheerios. However they seem to have a skinnier, less puffy, opener look to them. I may just have not seen Cheerios in a while, but these ones look a little skinny.

Dry taste:

They have a... something to them. Kinda like banana bread? Sweeter than regular Cheerios, and a surprisingly pleasant taste.

Texture:

Think Cheerios. Exactly.

With Milk:

Unfortunately we are out of milk. That is just depressing.

However, we have 10% cream, and water. So with a splash of each in my bowl, let us proceed:

With Creamy-water:

Good. They have that banana bread taste, in a more pronounced way.

Texture:

They seem to sog down faster than other cereal, and feel a little slimey, though that might be the cream-water.

Smell:

They smell like baking banana bread! Except colder? (Does it make sense that I can smell temperatures?)

Overall reaction:

Pleasantly surprised. They taste good, smell good, and are easy to eat. I like them.

For next time:

Milllllllk!

Anonymity, the Internet and me.

So I'm reading on Cracked.com (yes, you are welcome to change your perception of me, however I've mentioned this habit before...) and this article came up.

And I realised, I had this discussion with a friend the other day. Or at least a similar one. Which is what sparked the Housekeeping post last Friday. But it has been festering in my mind, so I thought I'd go more in depth. Which is your cue to put on your spiraled infinity glasses, because this will get convoluted.

Any way. For the most part I don't mind being transparent to the internet. There is nothing I do or say that I consider odd or wrong enough to warrant my eminent arrest/murder/virgin sacrifice. So I put pretty well everything I do and say under that handy-dandy pseudonym ekobor, and call it a day. ekobor is directly linked in many places to my real name, people in real life know I go by it and see my actions. Many things I do and say around the web are linked directly into my Facebook account for perusal by my family, friends, peers, possible employers...

I like it that way because it lets me feel like a cohesive person, even in a place filled with empty shells of anonymous ghosts. If I say or do something in one place, a quick search allows anyone to find things I've said or done in other places. My slow accumulation of distaste for lobster can be chronicled by anyone who feels the need to do so. (Side note, if you feel the need to do so, please contact anyone, any where. Your life has reached an all-time high level of boredom, you may soon die of it).

Of course, this means if there is anything I ever want to do that I don't want people to see, it gets stickier. Like watching Rubik's cube solves. While I openly admit to learning how to solve a Rubik's cube and not being a natural solver, maybe I don't want people to see me asking questions of the people I learn from. It makes me feel less smart. (Though it was the Square-1 this occurred with).

Now, that is a bit petty, I admit, but it is something I try to avoid for the most part. I like feeling smart. But there are other things and places that I do and go to that I might not want others to see.

For a while in my life I frequented a forum for people in crisis, Suicide Forum. (Side note, if you are feeling depressed, this is a great community to get some casual help) There were things I was feeling that would scare people if I put them publicly out there, and I would have to deal with uncomfortable questions. So you'll note that there is no ekobor in the member list. (And if there is, it isn't me). When I go to 4Chan I use a different name (Though I don't stick with the plain "Anonymous" either) because the only reason I use 4Chan is to get away from myself from time to time.

I can count the number of places I am intentionally not open on one hand, and I like it that way.

Sure, I don't want any Joe-blow knowing my phone number, library card, SIN, Drivers License, etc, but I walk around showing people my face and heritage, telling them my name and age, and most can guess my sex. So I see no reason to leave that out from most places. I'm not going to jump into a rant on the heteronormative, androcentric, misogynistic state of the world to any random passer-by, and so similarly keep such out bursts to myself online as well. My desire to use gender-neutral pronouns and to be seen gender-neutrally, as well as my sexuality, I will mention if asked, and am the same way online.

Really the only thing I can think of that changes between online and "IRL" (in real life, for those not acronystically savvy) is that I am more bold online. That doesn't come from the anonymity though, it comes from the ability to quickly fact-check, to use words more fluidly than in real life, and from talking to people with a world view vastly different than my own.

So, yes, where was I? Oh, yes, while I don't have any great reason to be all mysterious and anonymous online, I still have times where I want to be free of being me, and being seen. And an internet without anonymity would be a sadder place for me, in some respects.

Thoughts?

Pacing in filmography

Today I watched Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland followed directly by Eminem's 8 Mile. And I noticed something. While the two movies are obviously disparate, there was one thing that really stood out to me, and that was the timing between the two movies, the pace and how it lent itself to the narrative.

Alice in Wonderland lets you just float and trail along for the most part. There is no real force in any direction, just the most minor hint of a push forward.

8 Mile comes at you like a bullet train to the back telling you that you either go forward of get run down.

That push and drive is something that really kept me in the movie, despite my interest waning near the middle. They throw thing after thing at you, questions of a sort, and then hold a gun to your head asking you to answer them. Which is kinda neat. It makes you feel involved in the film and important.

The only problem with a push like that is that, as media consumers, we are accustomed to being brought down from a high slowly. Led there, hand held the whole way. 8 Mile didn't do that. At all. When the end credits started rolling I was left with a "that's it?" feeling, and I think what happened there is I got so used to the pushpushpush that the sudden... nothing didn't feel right.

I mean, it makes sense, being a biography of sorts, life just isn't so kind as to wrap up all the loose ends for people. But it still felt a bit... rough, I guess.

As for Alice (who is a character in 8 Mile, I laughed when the name showed up), there is that lull I mentioned, just a slight ebb in the right direction. Which is a nice alternative to the pushiness. It lets you rest and listen, not needing to provide to the story, or fill anything in. It feels like a story tale (which it is, so kudos there Mr. Carroll and Mr. Burton), and plays like one.

In a way that is almost disappointing though, in comparison. It doesn't give you any hand hold to grab onto and wish it were all real. From the very moment we reach the engagement party everything takes on a varnish of fakeness that is hard to get over. The story is being told to you, and that is that. A large wall of "It's not real folks!" surrounds the whole movie, keeping you firmly here, and them firmly there.

Which kinda sucks.

(Though I wouldn't want to deal with that frumious Bandersnatch, no matter how cute it is.)

So there you have it. Some late night (Early morning, actually) ramblings about symbolism through video pacing. Have fun with that.

Mario...nette?

So I've been thinking a bit about the relationships in Mario recently, especially the rather messed up Mario/Peach/Bowser/(Luigi/Daisy).

Now, had you asked me this time yesterday, I would have told you out right, I hate Bowser/Peach pairings. I don't support interspecies kidnap/rape/forcible childbearing.

But I was reading over some of the facts yesterday (Spurred by a Cracked.com article, yes...), and I'm starting to dislike it from a different angle. I'm certainly more sympathetic of Bowser.

What it looks like:

Bowser is bored out of his spiky skull, so kidnaps Peach and sets a maze of asinine tasks for Mario to do for Bowser's amusement.

How it seems to me:

Bowser is alone. His old squeeze died/left/turned into a transvestite, and now he is left with a couple of kids and nothing to live for. Then comes Peach, and he sees light at the end of his despair. Peach is kinda huffy about having to run a castle and says hey, here's a guy who is a king, and does a damn good job of it. So she runs off to him with no warning. They have a fling, maybe a kid or two...

Then the Mushroom Kingdom is left with no notice and ruler-less. So they send out the cavalry. An idiot plumber and his marginally smarter brother. Mario probably had a one-nighter with Peach at some point, thinks he loves her etc etc. Or just wants in on this ruler thing. Luigi is there to keep Mario alive, and possibly has a crush on her (Daisy was not introduced in the first few games, so he can't be trying to save her...). (Mushroom Kingdom probably asked him first, but Mario jumped on it.) Peach realises, oops, I done fucked up, and makes an elaborate plan to stay hidden.

Bowser probably was never trying especially hard to keep a hold on Peach. His castles are just well defended because otherwise who knows what would happen. That, and since Koopas take something close to a nuke to kill, it makes a good playground for his kids.

By the time he finally notices Mario, he's angry 'cause his kids are hurt and whining, not because Mario wants Peach.

So he finally gives up and goes back to Koopa Land, thinking that Peach fucked him over. (Say, yeah, you can have my land, then send in your fighter? Not cool bish.)

Peach is "rescued" and all is well.

Then Peach gets bored of Mario (He is just a portly plumber, after all. Bowser is a king) so says heck with this, and lures Bowser in with her feminine wiles.

So now I think that the Bowser/Peach pairing sucks because Peach is a manipulative whore.

It makes some sense though. I mean, why else would Peach not upgrade her army? Keep inviting Bowser to go-kart and golf and tennis? She considers him another plaything. Heck, she dumps the resultant kids on him, and pretends he is THE BAD GUY for years, staying with Mario until, oops, I'm bored of the Italian, lets get our turtle on.

I feel bad for Bowser now. All he wants is a good wife and mother for his kids, someone to love and lavish and give kingdoms to. Instead he gets Peach.

Thankfully Luigi eventually meets Daisy, the somewhat slow relation to Peach, who seems a bit more loyal to him.

But outside of that crazy quinrangle, Yoshi/Birdo forever. A dinosaur and his boyfriend cum girlfriend that don't seem to have any issues staying together and making plenty of cannon fodder, I mean, children.

I guess I just showed some of my inner geek there. But things like this bother me when I'm busy doing crafts and such.