It will be okay, if you let it be.

I've been talking with a friend, and that got me thinking- a dangerous pastime, I know.

People live in fear.
(Not the most revolutionary thought, but bear with me.)

People lie, deceive, fight, and generally feel bad... because they live in fear.
We fear talking to one another. We fear sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves with others.
We fear ridicule, exclusion, outright rejection.
We fear feeling hurt.

We fear talking to each other. But that is often exactly what we need to do to alleviate the fear!

If we can be honest with those around us, if we can be open, and clear, and just say what we mean (and mean what we say), then we can get rid of the unknown "will they like me, won't they say no, what are they thinking?"

Once the unknown becomes known, the fear is defeated.
Sure, it could be replaced with hurt. Or it could be replaced with joy.
New fears may come to light, but old ones will be reduced to shadows.

But no matter what happens, you have been honest, with yourself and with others. You have made your thoughts, feelings, and needs clear- open to the world.
How can you get what you want if you do not ask for it?

I think the hardest thing is figuring out how to be okay no matter the outcome. Then you are strong enough to face the fear.
Ask someone a question, will you be okay with any answer?

Lets say you ask someone for a date. There are only two likely outcomes:

Yes,
or,
No.

Will you be comfortable with either of those?

Not necessarily like both of them (surely one is more preferable), but be able to say "That is an acceptable answer."?

Say they say yes. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?
Say they say no. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?

Until you can be okay with any answer (again, don't have to like it), the fear will still be there, will still be winning.
Until you can be comfortable that your feelings are valid and valuable, you'll always be hinged on what other people say, how they react.
You have to be okay. 
Okay with feeling hurt. Okay with feeling dumb. Okay with the 'bad' things in this world.
Otherwise you are giving other people the power to dictate your emotional state.

You don't have to LIKE them! By gosh, you can hate them.
But you have to be okay. You have to accept that those feelings can happen, and let them happen.

Or you will forever be in fear.

Semi-Annual Update

Here I am again, blogosphere! (always wanted to use that word!)

I felt it was time to give an update, and thought I might try writing here a bit more again.
We'll see how that goes, I am rather spotty with this stuff.

These last six months have been some of the most turbulent I've had in quite a while, and perhaps the best since I was young. A lot has changed, and I've come to realise I've changed a lot.

I started school again back in September- something I thought I wouldn't do for many more years.
This came about only by completely forsaking my past dreams.

I have, for many years now, wanted to be a librarian. I wanted to spend time in the library, shelve books, do research, help people.
I went to school for that exact purpose! I took two years of post-secondary schooling to earn my Library and Information Technician diploma (an Associate's Degree). I loved everything I learned, I especially loved cataloging and my placements.
But I didn't love myself.
That last day of school was incredibly tough on me and mine- I was very close to successful in a suicide attempt.
I moved back home after that, defeated, tired, broken. I had given up on everything, I had given up on giving up. I was ready to just live life at the bare minimum until I could finally f'ing leave this world.
I got a job at a big box store. A soul-sucking, mind numbing, physical labour job on the night shifts. They screwed me over from day one, telling me I was full time(and giving me full time hours) but hiring me as part-time. So no benefits for me!
I worked there for a while before managing to move out somewhat on my own. My mom rented out the upper apartment and I the lower of a two apartment unit.
I actually did quite well on my own- for a few months, I ate healthily, I got to a good weight, I got to work on time, enjoyed my time off.
Soon though it all caught up to me. I started getting depressed again. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't go to work. I had to take a leave of absence. Then another. Then finally I had to quit- because I was moving to Ottawa to live with my Blue Bird!
As we know things got a little better from there.
Then worse.
Then good.
Then weird.

Now I am here, and I realised I was never going to be that librarian. The person who wanted to be that didn't even exist any more. That brings us up to about here.

I waded in that uncertainty for a while. In that time I became vegan again- a very good choice!
I decided in August that I wanted to open and run a vegan restaurant. If you can't find a job make one, right?

So on the 2nd of September I applied to St. Lawrence for Business Fundamentals. On the 4th I was accepted. On the 8th, I started. And it has been a bit of a ride since then!



OSAP has been a bitch, but I think I've got that sorted.
Decide I don't want to date or think about girls until I was a bit more... man.
That went so well /s. Met a very pretty girl.
Oops, I think she thinks I'm stalking her?
Oh well.
"Shit, my penis broke!" is not a sentence any man wants to have to say.
Oh, shit, her boyfriend is mad.
Avoid, avoid, don't make this weird/creepy, avoid.
OSAP wasn't sorted, maybe it is now?
Nope.
Starting gender therapy? YES!
I guess I'm f'ed if I really want to start a restaurant- it's going to be years of saving money and no one who knows things about the business thinks it'll work out.
Finally, OSAP!
Oh, I guess I like accounting now.
I can have an appointment around February to start hormones? !!!!
Oh, fuck, I really like accounting now.
Is.. is my teacher really that cool, or am I crazy?
Whelp, I guess I'm an accountant now.
Yes, yes she really is that cool.
Oh, gosh, and she's nice.
GSA! GSA!
I think I'm weirding her out.
Queer sports!
Nope, she's into it.
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
I think we're friends now?
Holidays are tomorrow?!
We're definitely friends now.
4.0 GPA? o.o



And now we're now. I'm doing really well in school!

I'm an accounting major now. That puts at least another year on my plate, probably 3.5 more though, as I think I'll aim for CPA.
What have I gotten myself into?

Despite thinking I should stay away from girls I've lus(h/t)ed after one and... entangled... myself in another. Girls are weird, mang. But that is a whole different kind of blog post.

I have been getting psychotherapy! It is great- despite causing an existential crisis. Through that I have been put on a wait list for an endocrinologist in Peterborough- probably see them mid February, and start testosterone soon after? o3o?



There. That's your update for today. Though I feel like I have a bunch more to say (and probably some things to elaborate on, but...).

I believe...

Do you ever sit and wonder about this mess we've made of the world?
I find myself doing that a lot.

I know it doesn't help anyone or anything to be bitter or complain. It's just that sometimes the world feels overwhelmingly diseased.
Humans have stripped and raped the earth, beaten it to within an inch of its life. And yet the "people in charge", as it were, seem to not realise... or, maybe more accurately, not care.

It is hard to look at dying ecosystems, suffering livestock, polluted waters, smog filled skies, starving and homeless masses, endless pointless wars, and people growing sicker every year... and think "this is how it is supposed to be".
Just because the upper echelons are telling us that this is the best way.

Statistics tell us that crime rates are going down. After hitting a peak in the early '90's they've been steadily going down.
They show that undernourishment has also been dropping since then.
War (deaths) is down. Life expectancy is up.
Yet what do we see in the media? What messages are we bombarded with on a daily basis?

Be afraid.
Consume more.
Hate yourself.
Don't be informed, learn from us.

Why can't the world be idealised?
I mean, I recognise that not everyone shares the same ideals... However I have to think that there are some underlying commonalities. If only for my own sanity and hope.

So here's what I believe.

I believe that lifeforms were not made unto this world to suffer.
I believe there are ways of living happily, with wealth, that do not involve harming others.
I believe there is enough in this world for everyone to live a life of wealth and happiness.
I believe that most of today's "necessities" are useless and wasteful.
I believe that most of what today is considered "waste" are the important things.
I believe that the world is flawed, and we need to change it.
And I believe simplicity is the answer.

So out with the new, and in with the old.

“The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.”

― Hugh MacLeod 

A Different Kind of Hope

The one thing I've gained from this time of upheaval and change in my life is something that, up until now, I've felt I had little of in my life.

Choice. Options. Freedom.

You see, part of the journey I have gone through is the shedding of old thoughts, of old dreams, hopes, desires.
I have shed chunks of my old self like dead skin.
I am still in the process of doing this, and there are other parts I want to shed. Other motivations (or lack there of), other thought processes and ruts that I want to leave by the wayside.

I am slowly erasing and rewriting the giant storyboard that is my future.

But part of this metamorphosis involves the very difficult and scary process of finding new goals, new hopes, new stars to shoot for. Of, in certain ways, designing a new person to become.

Now, perhaps this has something to do with the other things occurring in my life, mainly my transition from perceived female to perceived male. There is an almost necessary reinvention of self involved with such a life change.

But I want to take it beyond that. I am young, I have no commitments (no job, to significant other, no kids, no mortgage), and no attachments other than my parents, my cat, and my friends. I am in a prime position to upheave my life and change the path that I am walking on. (If we discount the fact that I also have no money, and some student debt)

So the questions then become: What do I do with this freedom? Who do I want to be?

And I don't have an answer.

At least, not a clear and solid one. I have had flashes, ningling feelings, patchwork glimpses of bits and pieces that I want.
All that's left is finding the backing to stitch them to, and the thread to tie it all together.

So I no longer have the clear-cut hopes I grew up with, the crumbling foundation that never supported me the way I wanted it to. Instead I no longer have other peoples' thoughts clouding my mind, and I'm trying to grow wings to stop the fall.

And that's a different kind of hope altogether.

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor

French Obsession

Bonjour!

As I mentioned earlier, I have been using Duolingo again. It has been eating all my time.
As I have ever changing interests, it has become my top one with my other interests taking a back seat.
So bear with me, I'm not in a writing mood. My apologies about this.

As for this week's World Building 101, it is on hiatus. I over estimated my ability to write blog posts on a normal schedule while using my mother's computer.
No worries, I'll do my best to get back on the horse in the future. But for now, I need a break.

But onto the meat of today's post. My current and ever fluxing obsession with French.

Like most young Ontarians I took French from a young age and continued until it was no longer required to do so. I never liked French, I called it the devil's tongue. I always got good grades and generally understood what was being taught, it just never quite clicked with me.

Fast forward to college where once again knowing French was mandatory. So another two semesters of French courses into my head, still to no avail. Good marks, general understanding, nothing more.

Then I met the girlfriend. Oh my. A native French speaker who (luckily for me) is also fluent in English. Perfectly bilingual and seemingly perfect in every other way. Talk about igniting passions.

My desire to learn French and talk to her in this language became great. I picked up my books, grabbed my pencils and went scribbling madly away trying to master this oft maligned language.

But it wasn't to be so easy. Life changes, depressions, changing interests have all gotten in my way. However, slowly, steadily I've been getting better. You won't be seeing any posts written entirely in French any time soon, but I am definitely improved from when I wouldn't give the language a second glance.

On again, off again, on again, goes my ferocity with learning. Days and weeks at a time I'll hit the books every day, learn new things and practice. Then the same amount of time will pass having done nothing. Total burn out. But I come back each time, stronger than before. Sort of a two steps forward one step back process. I'll get there, just slower than someone who walks the whole way.

Anyway, with that I bid you adieu.
À bientôt!

Computer Issues; Work

So I have some very bad news. Not for you necessarily, but for me.

My computer died. Two weeks ago by the time of this posting.

The hard drive is fried.

Luckily I had just recently reformatted the hard drive, so all of my files were backed up within one day of the crash.

However, this means I am currently in the position of having to use my mother's computer, when she is not. Or using my tablet (which is not fun to type on).

So I'm well set for internet browsing. But as far as typing up scores of blog posts my options are more limited.

But don't worry, I'm still trying my best to get my requisite number of words out there all the time, so things should stay near normal around here.

Beyond that I have been working at Wal-Mart again, and doing pretty well anxiety wise. This is great news for me as it means i have some income again!

This time next week I hope to be off in Ottawa visiting the girlfriend as she will be freshly back from Paris.

That's all I have as far as life updates, but I thought I should let you know.

Cheers!

Writing a Book

Hello there, welcome back to another week on the Dylan show!
...ahem.

This week I am all entranced with the idea of writing a book. While in the past I have completed the writing portion of a children's book, 3/4ths of one novel and 1/3rd of another, I have never actually completed a book satisfactorily. As a lover of books and writing, this feels a little sad.

So I have taken it upon myself to write something again. And what better to write about than my current love, game design? That's right, I, who has never published a game, think I can write a book about game design. Why? Because there are very few resources out there for board game designers that really go through the whole process. So much of it is shrouded in mystery and "just figure it out" that many designers are starting basically from scratch each time they make a game. And that is a huge barrier to entry into a field that I think more people would enjoy.

They say that every gamer (and many non gamers) has at least one game idea kicking around in their head. The idea being that every gamer has played a game that they weren't entirely satisfied with, and so developed this thought of "I could do better". I like to believe this is true. I like to believe that every gamer has the potential to "do better". Why? Simple, because there are as many good games as there are gamers. What is perfect to one might not be to another. If a game doesn't sit right with you, I think it is entirely logical to warp it to fit your style.

With this in mind, that means there are hundreds and thousands of nascent game designers in the world, yet only a handful of recognised ones. Part of this is because there isn't a lot of profit in board games, especially now that video games have taken their toll. The other part I believe is because people are discouraged from trying. They get their idea and then there is a long, winding, poorly lit path from conception to actualization. That is where the book comes in.

The plan for the book is to break down the design process in discrete steps, from Brainstorming and Finding Theme all the way to Pitching Your Idea and Selling. In this way it should create an easy to follow guide for finding and developing an idea, all the way to the point of getting it out into the world for all to see.

But why do I think I'm qualified to write this book, as I have no discernible expertise in board game design?
Well, I think I'm qualified because I'm the one willing to do the research and collate it all into a book form. The information people need is already out there, for the most part, it just takes a lot of searching to find it. With my schooling in researching topics, I feel that I have a good chance of finding everything I need and being able to reference it accordingly.

Anyway, now you know what I've been working on this week, and likely will be for many weeks to come. I hope that someday soon I have enough done that I can share a rough draft with you, at least of some portions. Until then, have fun and good luck!

A Slow Reduction

Hello everyone, me again!
And I have some good news. Beginning early May I will be returning to my job at Walmart after a four month leave of absence for my health. What this means is that my medication has finally been changed to a working formula and enough time has been given to allow it to take effect.

I am currently free of that nagging voice in my head that says I am not good enough, and that the world is a scary place I don't want to be a part of. I am no longer bedridden nine out of ten days. I have interest in things (as evidenced by this blog, in fact). I am more social, and a better contributor to those relationships.
Which is amazing!

However this means that soon to come my time will not be entirely my own once again. I will have obligations and duties beyond what I choose. While this change is a very good thing, it does mean some less than nice things for this blog.

In the coming weeks I will be reducing the number of posts on this blog, to reflect my working schedule. I will no longer be posting every day. However, do not despair! This does not spell the death of this young blog!

No, I will not be abandoning this blog. On the contrary, the reason I am cutting the number of posts per week is to extend its life. While I may still write every day the excess posts will be scheduled for weeks to come, in order to continue bringing you content.

"But how often will you be posting?" I hear you wonder. And I have an answer. I plan to continue posting four times a week. And what will that get you? Well, it is simple:

• One post on Monday, currently the World Building 101 segment
• One post on Tuesday, currently the Game a Week segment
• One post on Thursday, currently the Gimme Games segment
• and One post on Friday, currently the free space/Life Talk segment.

While the content of each day will shift over time (after World Building 101 I'm thinking Conlangs 101) I am attempting to commit to those four days. The reason for choosing these particular days is simple: Except for Friday they are all running segments, and I want to give you a sense of continuity. 

"But what about Art Time? That's a running segment!" you call. Yes, Art Time is a running segment (that hasn't done so well yet :P) However, you see how Friday is a free space? Those weeks I have something to show for Art Time will be bumping Life Talk from the roster. 

"And Real Life Reviews? I love that shit!" Yes, Real Life Reviews will still happen. On some Fridays. 

And with that, I shall conclude this post with a question:

What would you like to see me talk about on this blog?

Off for Easter

Hello all, just wanted to say there won't be a big post on the blog today, as I am taking a break for Easter.
Which basically means I have chores and self imposed homework I need to catch up on.

But in the mean time, look at my Easter basket from my wonderful mommy!

That's chocolate, jam, a twirly straw and some pencil/eraser sets! Everything a person could want from an Easter surprise!

Well, see you tomorrow- I have eggs to dye!

An Argument for Collections

Today is normally (if two posts can be considered "normally") Art Day on the blog. But instead we are going to talk about collections.

Why? Because a friend of mine says she just doesn't "get" collections.
Her argument was that collections aren't useful. They take up space, and unless the collection is of useable things, it is not worthwhile. To paraphrase.
I argued that collected things are useful, for no one would collect useless things, (unless their collection were specifically of useless things, but that is a whole other kettle of fish).

However this did not deter her. So here I am, taking time to think it out further and formulate a stronger response.

1. Collections are useful. 
• Even a collection of bottlecaps or pop tabs is a useful collection. To the collector, at least. I collect pop tabs. I do not collect them because I want to donate them (though I could), or because I want to make something out of them (which I used to). I collect them because they feel useful to me, even if they are not. I collect them because there are tings I could do with them
2. There is comfort in numbers
• People like to have things. Especially a lot of things. In our culture we have been told that more is better. So it fills a usually unexpressed feeling of need for people to collect things, even if they have no practical use.
3. The thrill of the chase
• There is an adrenaline rush that comes from searching for things. Finding that one rare item to complete a set, or finding a misprinted stamp. People are very good at recognizing patterns and get a rush of endorphins when they do. Finding something that is the same but different is a real joy bringer. 
4. There is value in it
• Many collections are, or can be, quite valuable. Coins are inherently valued. Stamps can be worth hundreds of dollars. Even things that are considered worthless (pop tabs, bottle caps) can have value if they are special or in large numbers (You throw out pop tabs, yet a few pounds of them are worth a fair chunk of change.)
5. There is fun in it
• Besides the thrill of the chase, there is fun in collections. Managing them, sorting them, culling and adding to them. They all bring joy to the true collector. Just seeing your collection on display, or knowing you have it can bring comfort to a person in this hectic world.
6. There is control in it
• We cannot control the world. Things will happen that we don't like. But in the realm of collecting, we can issue some control. We decide what we collect, we decide when and how much to add to the collection. We decide how to display or otherwise enjoy our collection. It is a very personal thing, and we get to control all aspects of it.

All that said, I do not believe collections are for everyone. Some people may just never "get" the concept. And that is okay. I don't believe it to be right to judge others; based on their collections(or lack there of), or how they choose to manage them, or even if they have too many or too few. It is another quirk that sets people apart.

What about you, readers? Do you collect things? If so, what? Why?

Merry Easter!

Merry Easter everyone. Good Friday through Easter Sunday I hope you have splendor and joy!
I myself am not a religious person, and do not celebrate the "meaning" of Easter. I merely use it as an excuse to buy people gifts. And I think that is an acceptable use of any holiday, really.

Last year I bought my girlfriend a very cute stuffed rabbit. She quickly named it Zoey.
However this year I was stumped. The girlfriend is in France this Easter, and shipping is expensive. Whatever shall I do?

Well, taking cues from her Valentines gift to me this year (having a florist here bring me roses), I decided I must send her something that is already over there.

Thus came in Amazon.
Did you know that you can use your Amazon account to buy things from other countries' Amazons? I did not! I was searching all over the place for the cheapest shipping of gifts to France from florists and chocolatiers when suddenly Amazon.co.uk popped up and I thought I'd try it.

Lo and behold, it works! I was able to select my account as the paying account, and her address as the one to ship to.

And lookie what I bought:

That's right- a GIANT box of sugar! All sorts of retro candies and chocolates.

While not my first choice (or my seventh) it did allow me to ship to France. 

(Why didn't I use the France Amazon you ask? One, I don't speak French, two, it didn't have anything I wanted)

With gift wrapping and shipping the whole order came out to less than $50, which I thought was a bargain considering the GIANT list of sweets it includes.

The only minor set back with Amazon (over a florist) is that you cannot select your delivery date. As such by the time of posting this she has already had her present for several days.

My only regret is that I can't be there to see her open it!
But I have since heard that many of the candies are good, and she is working through them at a fast clip, so all is well!

Dentists

I went to the dentist on Friday. Thanks to not having insurance, this was my first visit since getting my wisdom teeth out. Five years ago. Too long a wait? Maybe.

I have this thing about teeth and mouths. I really really hate when things go wrong there, it squicks me out. Cavities, abscesses, broken teeth, the whole thing. Really bugs me. So in response to that, I take very good care of my teeth.

Except when I'm depressed. One way to tell I'm depressed is when I stop brushing my teeth. It doesn't happen all at once. No, I miss a brush here, a floss there, and slowly I stop caring. Then suddenly I notice I haven't brushed my teeth in a while, and bam, I know I'm depressed. Something like that.

Anyway, considering I have had several long depressive episodes in the last few years, I went to the dentist fully expecting to have a mouth full of problems. I know I don't floss enough, and those long times with only occasional brushing? Killer. Not to mention I live with my mother who is always having teeth trouble, and my sister complains of bad teeth, and my aunt. Honestly I thought I was doomed.

However, coming away from the dentist, I only have two small cavities in one tooth. Pretty good for someone with a fear of things going wrong with their teeth. Sure, I need to floss more (most people do!) to prevent more from forming, but on the whole the dentist was impressed with my dental health, considering the time there was for decay.

I certainly don't like going to the dentist (who likes getting poked in the gums with pointy metal objects?) but I am glad  I went. My teeth feel clean and shiny and like new again. I also know that there are some things I need to watch out for. Especially a kind of toothpaste recommended to me to help strengthen my enamel.

Next up is saving up the four hundred some dollars to get those little cavities filled. Joy.
I'll let you know how that works out.

'til then, ekobor, out!

Reading and the Burden of Books

Those who know me know I like books. A lot. In fact I'm trained as a library technician, all for the love of books. Two years of college to work with books and their friends, serial printings and electronic copies. Oh, and the people who use them, of course.

So I think it is safe to say that books hold a special place in my heart. I love the feel of a book's pages in my hands, I love the smell of a new book, the smell of an old book. I like how the pages yellow with time. The different fonts and typeset, the various formats and formatting. I just love the magic that comes from being able to jot down some random squiggly symbols and having them transport hundreds of people to another time or place; to transfer information from one mind to the other and have it be transformed in the process.

But books, they say, are dying. No one wants to lug around 100 pounds of dead tree when a few ounces of plastic and metal can do the same task. While I understand the sentiment, I don't believe its veracity- even as I jot my thoughts down in a purely electronic format. No, I believe the book has a long life ahead of it for many reasons. However that is not what I came to talk about.

I came to talk about the burden that books bring along, that ebooks have yet to capture. The unending library shelves weighted down with unfathomable numbers of volumes, all waiting to be borrowed, opened and read. Or, on a more manageable scale, the bedroom bookshelf. Approximately four cubic feet of shelving space loaded with novels, the occasional non-fiction, magazines and a three week old newspaper. Maybe a notebook or two, and a reading lamp.

Sound familiar?

This is where the burden comes in for me. These books waiting to be read, or reread. Their worlds and thoughts and speech locked away like tortured souls until someone picks them up and gives them a bit of love. Here is where the heart wrenches and the soul moves, for it is here you make a choice. Every book read is dozens of others left unread- for you cannot ever aspire to read them all.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy reading and all that comes with it. But have you ever felt, at an unsatisfying ending, that your time could have been spent better in another? That perhaps this book was merely masquerading to steal your time? It can lead to a paralysis of what do I read next- where you don't want to be strung along again.

Then there is the culling. Unless you have infinitely expanding space and money (congratulations if you do!) you cannot hope to house and hold every book you come across or enjoy. Choices need to be made. And that I can only liken to the the choice between children. Which do you feed and which do you send to an orphanage?

For some books this is easy- the ones you've read a few dozen times should likely stay. The ones you've read once and wanted to burn should probably go. But what of the ones you haven't read, or only mildly enjoyed? These are not easy questions, and I have no answers.

Even once you've decided which children to cast out, it then comes to deciding what to do with them. Do you toss them out with yesterday's spinach? Or send them to an unknown fate amongst used item vendors? Perhaps you try to find them new homes yourself, by selling them or giving them away. But does your responsibility end there?

And what of art?

Do we scorn those who use books in their art? If yes, then throw your first stone at I who have done so. I have defaced several books in my art journey, with little regret. Many others have done so as well. It strikes me as odd that we revere these objects so thoroughly, yet seem to value them so little. A paperback costs 25 cents at a garage sale, but to tear it up is considered most heinous by many. I understand the urge to protect the books, yet I understand the urge to recreate them as well. This is a dichotomy I cannot explain.

All in all I think books are a wonderful resource, if a bit weighty on their responsibilities. They make beautiful art, intact or not. And it is the responsibilities of books that I think will slow their demise. We have this learned connection and fascination with books that makes us revere them. And I think that will take a long time to go away.

Setting Up Routines

For someone like me, a routine is a safe haven. Routines make the world go round. I thrive on schedules and routine as they make me more productive and happy. If you too find yourself depressed and aimless, perhaps a routine would help you as well. Here are some tips I've found for setting up and sticking to a routine:

1. Schedule the most important things first. 
• This allows you to accurately gauge how much time you have
• It also makes sure that what has to get done is fully accounted for.
2. Set aside time for the things you enjoy.
• Put aside at least an hour each day for 'you' time. 
• Whether this is 15 minute writing chunks or an hour of meditation, having something to look forward to will compel you to follow the routine.
3. Have consistency. 
• The more things you can do at the same time every day, or on the same day every week, the better.
• Do laundry every Saturday at noon, or eat lunch at the same time every day. 
• This programs your body and brain to expect certain things to happen, making them remind you follow your schedule
4. Have several schedules. 
• Daily, Weekly, Monthly and Yearly are all useful in different ways, so it helps to have one of each going.
• A Daily schedule is great for the little things of life. If you have a job with the same work hours every day you probably already have a daily schedule started.
• A Weekly schedule helps keep track of the things you need to do every week, like laundry and soccer practice.
• Monthly schedules are great for seeing those once in a while tasks 
• Yearly schedules help you stay up to date on birthdays, anniversaries and special events.
5. Factor in fudge time.
•  Not everything will always go as planned. So factor in an amount of time for things to go over the allotted time. 
• My favourite way of doing this is to make everything fall into 30 minute chunks, even if I know they will take less than 30 minutes
6. Don't schedule things you aren't going to do.
•  If you know you're not going to paint the garage this weekend, don't put it on your schedule. 
• It isn't going to motivate you, it will bring you down when you look and say you didn't do it.
• By only scheduling things you know you will do you open up more free time for those out of place tasks and increase motivation to follow the schedule.
7. Don't stress what doesn't get done.
• In addendum to that, make sure that if a certain task doesn't get done on time, or at all, that you don't put yourself down. Make note of why you didn't do the task, and factor  that in to changing the schedule for next time.
8. Add in some relaxation time
• Along with fun time make sure you put in a bit of relaxation time. 
• This is important to maintain faith in the system and to keep from running yourself ragged.
9. Have reminders
• Whether it is your phone sending you push notifications, or your watch beeping on the hour, have reminders of what time it is and what you're supposed to do.
• It is very easy to get sucked into an activity and ignore the rest of your obligations. By having an alarm telling you it is coming time to change activities you can prepare for the end by wrapping up what you are doing.
10. Adjust your schedule. 
• Set aside time now and again to evaluate your schedule and tweak it until you are a well oiled machine.
• Take notes as you use the schedule on what can be done better so that when it comes time to adjust the schedule you know what works and what doesn't.

That all said my favourite scheduling program is Google Calendar. It is easy to use and quickly and quietly links to all of my devices, allowing them to send me pop-ups when new tasks are coming up, as well as reminding me of birthdays and other significant events. Google Calendar is all at once a Daily, Weekly, Monthly and Yearly schedule, making it ideal for a one stop shop. 

I hope all this can help you set up a routine that fits your lifestyle and helps you be a happier, more productive person!