Semi-Annual Update

Here I am again, blogosphere! (always wanted to use that word!)

I felt it was time to give an update, and thought I might try writing here a bit more again.
We'll see how that goes, I am rather spotty with this stuff.

These last six months have been some of the most turbulent I've had in quite a while, and perhaps the best since I was young. A lot has changed, and I've come to realise I've changed a lot.

I started school again back in September- something I thought I wouldn't do for many more years.
This came about only by completely forsaking my past dreams.

I have, for many years now, wanted to be a librarian. I wanted to spend time in the library, shelve books, do research, help people.
I went to school for that exact purpose! I took two years of post-secondary schooling to earn my Library and Information Technician diploma (an Associate's Degree). I loved everything I learned, I especially loved cataloging and my placements.
But I didn't love myself.
That last day of school was incredibly tough on me and mine- I was very close to successful in a suicide attempt.
I moved back home after that, defeated, tired, broken. I had given up on everything, I had given up on giving up. I was ready to just live life at the bare minimum until I could finally f'ing leave this world.
I got a job at a big box store. A soul-sucking, mind numbing, physical labour job on the night shifts. They screwed me over from day one, telling me I was full time(and giving me full time hours) but hiring me as part-time. So no benefits for me!
I worked there for a while before managing to move out somewhat on my own. My mom rented out the upper apartment and I the lower of a two apartment unit.
I actually did quite well on my own- for a few months, I ate healthily, I got to a good weight, I got to work on time, enjoyed my time off.
Soon though it all caught up to me. I started getting depressed again. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't go to work. I had to take a leave of absence. Then another. Then finally I had to quit- because I was moving to Ottawa to live with my Blue Bird!
As we know things got a little better from there.
Then worse.
Then good.
Then weird.

Now I am here, and I realised I was never going to be that librarian. The person who wanted to be that didn't even exist any more. That brings us up to about here.

I waded in that uncertainty for a while. In that time I became vegan again- a very good choice!
I decided in August that I wanted to open and run a vegan restaurant. If you can't find a job make one, right?

So on the 2nd of September I applied to St. Lawrence for Business Fundamentals. On the 4th I was accepted. On the 8th, I started. And it has been a bit of a ride since then!



OSAP has been a bitch, but I think I've got that sorted.
Decide I don't want to date or think about girls until I was a bit more... man.
That went so well /s. Met a very pretty girl.
Oops, I think she thinks I'm stalking her?
Oh well.
"Shit, my penis broke!" is not a sentence any man wants to have to say.
Oh, shit, her boyfriend is mad.
Avoid, avoid, don't make this weird/creepy, avoid.
OSAP wasn't sorted, maybe it is now?
Nope.
Starting gender therapy? YES!
I guess I'm f'ed if I really want to start a restaurant- it's going to be years of saving money and no one who knows things about the business thinks it'll work out.
Finally, OSAP!
Oh, I guess I like accounting now.
I can have an appointment around February to start hormones? !!!!
Oh, fuck, I really like accounting now.
Is.. is my teacher really that cool, or am I crazy?
Whelp, I guess I'm an accountant now.
Yes, yes she really is that cool.
Oh, gosh, and she's nice.
GSA! GSA!
I think I'm weirding her out.
Queer sports!
Nope, she's into it.
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
I think we're friends now?
Holidays are tomorrow?!
We're definitely friends now.
4.0 GPA? o.o



And now we're now. I'm doing really well in school!

I'm an accounting major now. That puts at least another year on my plate, probably 3.5 more though, as I think I'll aim for CPA.
What have I gotten myself into?

Despite thinking I should stay away from girls I've lus(h/t)ed after one and... entangled... myself in another. Girls are weird, mang. But that is a whole different kind of blog post.

I have been getting psychotherapy! It is great- despite causing an existential crisis. Through that I have been put on a wait list for an endocrinologist in Peterborough- probably see them mid February, and start testosterone soon after? o3o?



There. That's your update for today. Though I feel like I have a bunch more to say (and probably some things to elaborate on, but...).

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor

Art Journal - I Will Not Let You

Today's craft is a page in one of my art journals. Video taped for your viewing pleasure, the video clocks in at about 25 minutes and is a real-time process of my work.

While not my favourite piece by far, it is my first art piece in a couple of months, so I am glad I got something done. I used lace, gelatos, ink and a paint pen as well as water, stencils, a stamp and gesso. And of course my fingers.

The quote is from Josh Woodward, his song I Will Not Let You Let me Down which is free to download from Jamendo here.