Precipitous Life Changes

I mentioned in one of my last posts that I have a track record of spur of the moment life changes.
I just thought I would go more in depth on that.

First, here is a list of the more major life changes I can recall making on spur of the moment:

1.The most recent, of course, is to do Positivity Journaling.
2. Becoming vegetarian (with a focus towards veganism)
3. Stopping cutting
4. Getting my ears pierced
5. Burning a bunch of writing

The main problem with spur of the moment change is that you are acting without considering the possible ramifications of the action.

How will you feel about the change?
How will it effect others?
Is it sound financially?

None of these things get considered when you just jump head first into a decision.

However, out of those five examples I can only point to one that turned out to be a majorly bad idea.
So considering the risks, how is it I manage to make spur of the moment changes with a high success rate, and little regret?

I'll let you in on a little secret...
They weren't really spur of the moment.
In fact, the only one that really was is the only one I regret.

You see, while I make changes "cold turkey" as the saying goes, they are not unconsidered.

Except for #5 (which I will go into in a bit), all of these decisions were considered extensively... sub and semiconciously.

Let's start with #1. As stated in the same post linked above, that idea had been rattling in my head for months. The idea that I do not write about positive things.
However, in none of the conscious thoughts was there the idea of changing my bent or starting a Positivity Journal. Until the very moment I wrote the last piece of this post the thought had not crossed my mind in any recognizable form.
The reason I am having success with this change is not because I considered it for hours (because I did not). Nor is it because I am held accountable by this blog (which I obviously don't feel).
The reason I am having success is that I am ready for the change.

Let's now apply this to point #2.
When I left school, I was in a bad place.
Horrible.
I had just attempted suicide. I was still under the influence of an overdose, and I had barely drank or eaten anything for many days up to that point.
And yet, under this clouded judgement, I made one of the best decisions I feel I've ever made in regards to diet.
My mother took me to a restaurant and I ordered a vegetarian meal, after making a point of looking for something without meat.
When questioned I told her I wanted to become a vegetarian.
Until the precise moment those words left my mouth, I had not thought them to be true.
But the moment I said them, I knew it was.

In the weeks previous I had been looking at vegan recipes in order to cook for a friend.
I knew the recipes seemed appealing, but I continued an omnivorous diet.
But somewhere in me the pieces slowly came together.

I don't like eating most animal products.
A lot of them make me feel a bit sick, even in small amounts.
All of these recipes look and sound delicious.
Cooking this way is cheaper, and more filling.
All of these things slotted together until put in place by my sleeping-pill-addled mind to make me realise that, duh, I want this.
I was ready for the change.

Brings us to point #3, which has a slight variation.
Almost a year ago I stopped cutting.
And somehow I know I never will again.
You see, one night as I was doing it I noticed... this doesn't feel good anymore.
This doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fix the problem, it doesn't do anything.

Which, of course, seems obvious to people who have never had an addiction, or don't realise theirs.
For me, though, this was a startling realisation.
While I had expressed a desire to stop (on many occasions!), knew that it was bad, knew it didn't help, etc., etc., I always came back to it.
Why was this? What was it giving me?
I still do not really know.

All I know is that on that night I put my knives away and could not understand it. I could not by any means wrap my head around why I had just done what I did.
It was a major change, and I would not say it was unconsidered. I considered it every day for five or more years!
But at that moment, I became (yes) ready for the change.
And that is why it is succeeding.

Onto a lighter topic for a moment to defuse some of that depressing funky smell.
#4, getting my ears pierced.
I never wanted my ears pierced. I didn't see the point of jewelry.
Still have a hard time with more than the barest idea.
But one day while we prepared for my eighth grade graduation my mum and I were in the mall, and she asked if I wanted my ears pierced.
Deciding "What the hell, why not?", I did.
I still have my ears pierced, I have not let them grow over.
I actually quite like having the option of wearing something on occasion, though I mostly do not.
And looking back on it, I can say it had crossed my mind a bit in the time up until then. I just never had a good reason to do it.
It took grad to make me ready.

Now, back to a more depressing thing.
But also the exception to my list.

Early last summer I was cleaning out my basement room to bring my things up to the (much smaller) guest bedroom.
I was in a good emotional space, I think. I was off my medication, I felt happy enough. (I've since learned that I was probably still under effects of the drug, it can take months to fully stop effecting your system!)
So when I came across all the old things I had written in the heat of my depression, my suicide notes, my rambling letters, my pages of the word "sorry" written over and over in 3mm high letters... I collected it all up. Pulled out the most important and least depressing pieces. The artier ones.
The rest?

I dumped it in the fire pit and lit a match. (actually a lighter...) To really drive the point home? That was the only time I've ever played with gasoline. I dumped about 500ml onto the flames to make sure it all died.

And as I watched it burn?

I had to do everything in my power not to stick my hands into the fire and pull it out, save whatever I could.
And I honestly wish I had, no matter the burns I would have gotten.

You see I did not consider that decision. I was not ready to let those things go.
I erased a huge part of my history, and I can never get it back.
There are many things I do not remember about those five years that would be so helpful to know, would help me understand a lot of things.
Like why I cut. I know I explained it more than once in those writings. When and why and how I started.
Like what exactly happened in the sexual abuse I went through. Flash backs only give you part of the story.
Like descriptions of the hallucinations I saw and heard.
Like the blood I spilled to write in my language.
Like the drawings I did that show things I don't fully understand anymore.

All these memories, all these important pieces of me... five years of my life consumed to ashes.
I still feel pain when I think about having done that.


Ahem.
Anyway.

The point of this post was merely to point out the whole "ready for change" concept.
Change will happen when it is, if you let it. You just have to be open to where your heart leads you.
However, at the same time, making a decision overnight is a good recipe for disaster.

Positive Thinking cont., Moving out, Shift Change, Downsizing, and Up Styling

Well hello again my lovelies~
I've got a number of things I feel inclined to write about today, all some what connected, but none too extensive at this point.
So let's delve in:

First thing I would like to address in this post is a brief check in on my last post.
While I still agree with what has been posted there, there are some developments in the last twelve or so days that I found intriguing.
One thing I would like to note is that while the idea for that post had been jostling in my head for months (at least since February), the decision to start a "Positivity Journal" was a spur of the moment thing as I wrote that post.
And while I do have a good track record for spur of the moment changes, they are generally poorly advised. But more on that in another post.

1. I have been keeping the journal, though I started on the 16th, not the 15th.
2. The entries are quite short, some days only one point, and maybe not the most magical of a point.
3. I feel more inclined to write right after I add to the journal.

And it is that last point that I am going to expand on in yet another post. I guess basically you can think of this post as a foreshadowing of the future of this blog. Neat, huh?

Another thing I feel like talking about today is my relatively imminent departure from this abode.
However that is a multifaceted topic.

Firstly, I have acquired employment! Yay me, yeah?
It is above minimum wage, however (and this leads to another point on my list) it is a night shift.
So I have flipped my sleeping schedule upside down basically. Which is kind of neat, and actually gives me more time to do things I enjoy.

Working this job will be giving me enough resources in order to, before the year is out, enter into a solitary living arrangement.

However, as many people know, entering into your first solo living experience often means small spaces and limited resources.
That's where the downsizing portion of the title comes in.

I am trying to determine exactly what I need and use, to help myself start a less cluttered lifestyle.

Which leads so nicely into what I like to call "Up Styling", based on the idea of "UpCycling". (I probably didn't come up with Up Styling as a term. But I have no idea if I picked it up from somewhere, or where I would have.)

Basically, Up Styling is in the realm of Lifehacks and similar. Tips and tricks to make life easier, but also (because of other factors in my life) more compact, reusable, clean and eco-friendly.

I guess I am becoming one of those yuppie hipster people? I don't know.

Whatevs, that's all for this post. Just a quick update on things, most of which I am going to expand upon in the next couple of posts.

Good luck, have fun, don't die, and I'll miss you!

Focus on the Positive~!

Something I've never quite understood about myself is my lack of desire to journal (or blog) during what may be called "up" times.
You see, I like to keep a diary.
At least, I think I do.
But I find that when things are going really well, when I am feeling really good, good things are happening, the depression is at bay... I don't feel that urge to write about what is going on.
If I'm lucky I will feel the urge to write fiction.
But not about reality.

And I can't quite put my finger on why this is.

Now, don't take that to mean that things are bad right now.
Quite the opposite, in fact.

I just noticed it (again) recently.

See, I had that depressive episode at the end of April.
Which kind of soured my May as well (and a bit of June).
And I was writing in my diary, and on here.
Then I met a (wondrous) girl, started hearing back from possible job people, seeing friends, going to Ottawa...
And suddenly I have no desire to write.
Then had a close encounter of the bitchy kind with my old... friend...y...person...thing, R, and suddenly wanted to journal again.

The reason this disturbs me is such:
By writing down my negative thoughts and feelings am I not giving them permanence that I do not then lend to the positive ones?

I can easily look back and say "Oh, yeah, I really felt shit that day."
But I can't easily point somewhere and say "Look how many good things happened then!"

And even when I do journal about good things, or things I think are good, I tend to end up pulling out the negatives-- my fears, worries, where I think I screwed up or will.

And perhaps the reason I do this is tied to the idea of secrecy that our society places on "negative" feelings.
People are "supposed" to be happy. So we are taught from a young age not to show when we are upset (if we don't have to).
It is socially acceptable to be joyous-- but looked far down upon to be in a rage.

So perhaps what happened is I started writing the negative feelings because there was nowhere else to safely  (in my head) release them. But there is no ingrained feeling of needing to write down positive thoughts, because I can let them show.

It could also lead back to my habit of (over)analysing things. I don't want to look too closely at the good feelings for fear I will turn them into bad feelings.


I guess what I am getting at is I am going to try journaling something good every day for the next month.
Try and describe only the good aspects of it, why it makes me feel good, etc.
And see if at the end of that, it becomes as habitual as my other journaling.

I think focusing on the positive is a great piece of advice, and one too hastily rejected. So I'll stop being a hypocrite and try it out.

Some thoughts on Gender

I don't know what I am.
People seem to expect me to. People seem to want me to.
Because that is one of the first things we learn in life.

We learn who our parents are, we learn what we look like. We learn that we are a girl. Or a boy.
And those are our two options.

We aren't expected to change that fact, but if we do we are expected to flip the switch and go the other way entirely.

And I thought I could deal with that, when this all started.
I was confused. I was scared. So I kept the switch on. I taped it that way.  Heck, tried to glue the damn thing in position. And I did pretty well. Nearly seven years I ignored the damn thing.
I was a girl. For every necessary idea, for every purpose, every extent.

Then this whole thing started up again.
So many things had started to settle down, so I guess my brain decided it was a good time to remind me.
I was settling so many lies within myself that I guess I had to settle this, a major one.

But the options available don't work for me.

I am not a girl. I do not like the social context that girls are given. I do not like being seen as a girl. I don't like girl clothes, girl talk, make up, the ideal "female image". I don't want to have breasts, or to have kids.

And I know I am not a boy.
I don't like boy hobbies. I don't want a penis, I don't want to to hide my feelings or to feel unable to cry.
But I know I don't have to be a macho-man. But I know I don't have to be a girly-girl.

I know I don't have to like dresses, or doing my hair. Nor do I have to want to have DD-cup breasts and an eighteen inch waist. I don't have to have seventeen kids, or marry a man.
I don't have to drive a motorcycle. I don't have to sleep with everything in sight. I don't have to bottle everything up inside.
I can ask for directions, I can keep a level head-- not go all emotional at the slightest provocation.

So I don't know what I am.
I know I am not a boy, I know I am not a girl.
But those are the options given.

So I try to pretend that I am okay with this middle ground. Genderqueer. Genderfluid. GenderFUCKED.
I try to pretend that it is okay.

But it isn't, not really.
It matters to me, no matter how much I want it not to. I need the labels. I don't want the labels, but I need them.

I can't be a female bodied man, even if that works for other people.
I can't be a male bodied woman, even if the surgeon people would allow that.
I can't be a MAN, I can't be a WOMAN.

The only thing that I can think I want is to be seen as a man-- male pronouns, male name, male expectations-- but to be a woman-- female body, female feelings, female hobbies.

All I can do is think of the things I want. Because anything more than that, I am incapable of.

Unfortunately the things I want are twisty inside, so I am still trying to figure them out.

Another response post...

Hey there. It's 4:30 on a Monday morning, and I haven't gone to bed yet. And I'm not entirely sure when I woke up. Oh well.

Another blog I read posted something interesting that I wanted to reply to. But once again, I am too verbose and would feel like I am stealing the comments with my big response.
The blog, Raptitude, posts some really thought provoking things reasonably frequently.
And I encourage you to check it out. Here, however, is the specific post I am replying to: It's another Monday morning, do you know where you are?

“Here” is on my bed, in my room in my mother’s house. My hide-y hole, the only place in this house I really feel any semblance of safe, free, true. The only place I can do what I want, say what I want, look at what I want… but I still have to be careful.

Even here I feel bound and constricted.

I am here, with the most bluntness, because I failed in a suicide attempt a bit more than a week ago.

On a more general level, I am here because I have no where better to be, nowhere else that wants me, because college ended a bit more than a week ago, because I don’t yet have a job.

How did I get to this point, of a recovering suicidal, depressive, lovesick, feel-for-nothing genderqueer? 

That is a very long story, and most of it is irrelevant to this specific post, but I think I am going to explore it after this.

Today feels unimpressive to me. 

It feels about the same as yesterday and only marginally better than a week ago. Worse than a year ago, okay enough compared to a month ago.

I have a girl on my mind, nearly constantly; and it is pissing me off. The things I feel for her are more than either of us want from our relationship, at this point.

At the same time my brain is being pulled about by the need to find a job, by the depressing facts of my past and a person I saw from it recently; by the seemingly quietly hostile environment I am in.

Returning to my thoughts? 

The nothingness of my existence. My lack of control in all things my life.

The fact that if I let myself, I would have an eating disorder. That I fuck with my sleep patterns in order to control something, the same way as an anorexic controls food.

That even that doesn’t offer me any real control over my life.

The fact I that I haven’t cut myself for exactly five months.

But if I could, I would.

The fact that I don’t want to be in love, at the very least ever again.

That I can’t let myself feel things, because it ends in pain.

The insanity and obvious depressive elements to how I think.

My life, at this precise moment, is heading nowhere. I have no prospects for change. All I keep thinking is “If you change nothing, nothing will change.”. And yet it feels like I have no choice in my inactivity. That I have no option but to do the same things “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” And that’s all I’ll ever get.

Coming up? 

Eventually I’ll have to find a job that’ll take me. I’ll probably hate it—majority of the world hates their job. Maybe I’ll actually find a girl who will look past how broken I am and try to love me—I’ll probably fuck it up, as I have told myself I am not allowed to love again. That, and I am never enough, or the right thing for anyone. And that cycle will continue. New girls, new jobs. Eventually I might come across some I don’t hate, and can allow myself to love. Then I mess with that until I time out. Until life finally f’ing ends, and I finally get what I want. For what will feel like the first time.

What seems to be exiting my life… Relationships, a whole lot of them. Some not so important, some so crucially important I felt like they were tearing me to pieces to leave them. But now I have killed that feeling. Put it away somewhere dark and quiet. Maybe I’ll take this box out again someday and actually feel the emotions. But until then, I am as close to happy as I am capable of. So I’ll keep shoving it aside because I have cried too many tears.

So in the end, right now I am coasting. I am doing whatever makes sense at the time with the hope that it’ll all turn out. Because in the most fucked up way possible, I am one of the most hopeful people in the world.

I wield my hope like a sharpened boomerang. 

Did I chose to be here?

No. On even the most basic level, no.

I chose death over everything that I currently have.

And if I thought I could pull it off, I'd still chose it. 

If I had anywhere better to be, I would be.

So everything just sort of settled this way.

I am waiting to hear back from a job that I am hoping against hope I will be called to an interview for. That I want more than nearly anything else at this point to get.

I am avoiding a great number of things.

I am not really excited for anything, because nothing really feels worth getting excited about.

And finally:

Do I feel like I am where I am supposed to be?

I feel like I am in the only place I can be. Which is very close, but not at all the same thing.

That feels like a good snapshot of where I am. Depressing, hopeful, apathetic, over emotional. 

That said I do like the exercise, because I am a big fan of self-reflection. I hope others will participate as well.

Another post...

There were so many titles that could work here, but considering some of the circumstances, were entirely inappropriate >.>
Ugh.

So, first of all, Blogger has finally switched over to its new format.
Which I'm sure I'll get used to, and is much better and whatevs, but I'm in that transition stage. So bear with me.

Now, onto some other stuff.

Yes, I missed the entirety of April on here. And I have good reasons.
There isn't much more to say, for that. The people who need to know, know. If you think you are one of those people and you don't know, hey, it never hurts to ask. And I'll tell you whatever I think you need to know~

Despite this, I am now numbered in the prestigious ranks of Algonquin College graduates!
How exciting~! 

I am no longer living in Ottawa, I am back home for the time being.
This kinda sucks, but it'll all work out.
It just has to.

So I guess the next important thing to bring up is the absolute crappiness of the Queer community here!
Wow, that was harsher than I meant it to be, sorry!

But what I mean to say is that there appears to be almost nothing in the area to do/go to. There seem to be some things sometimes once in a while.
And a lot of radio shows, for whatever reason.
But there is nothing obvious that has consistent and relatively frequent meet times (that isn't volleyball.)

Oh well.

Oh, mang. There feels like so much to say (and I've got about twenty books I should review), and I actually have the time now to talk, but I have no idea how to start.

So for now, I'm going to let this dwindle, and maybe soon I'll have some crafty things to show~

A response

So I was reading a post from a blog I follow, and I wanted to respond. However my response got quite long. So instead I am posting it here.

The original post is this one:

http://bizzycrochet.blogspot.ca/2012/03/politically-incorrect-post.html

And my response follows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I agree with some of the backing to your points, the feelings I think are behind them, but not the points themselves.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself.

I don't feel the need to go around telling everyone I'm queer. And, in fact, I rarely do any more. Most people can figure it out for themselves based on my comments and actions. It comes up passively in conversations nowadays.

But I did go through a period where I did tell people. The whole "coming out" thing.

I guess the reason that people feel the need to tell everyone is because people tend to assume "straightness".

I'm not straight. No more than I am black, a man, red headed or long haired.

But people can tell that I am white, can see my short hair, assume I am not a man; all just by looking at me.

But they can't tell my queer status. And while that is fine (most people don't need to know) it can make for awkward times if I want to get closer to someone.

I want people to know I am queer up front because it can save a lot of pain later on. There are people out there that reject queer people. And the sooner into the relationship I can determine their stance, the less pain will be brought from the rejection.

As for a personal blog of a queer person not having much in common... I think that is a bit presumptuous.

I still have relationship issues, I still go to work, I still talk about reading and movies, if I had kids I might talk about them... I still eat, drink, do arts. I could still own a home, run a family. I still go to school. Honestly, the issues we could face are much the same.

It is very similar to saying you wouldn't want to read the blog of a black man because you are a white woman, what could you have in common?
I'm a reasonable example, I've had maybe two out of seventy posts revolve around a queer issue-- and that is because I am currently going through some things.

Keeping it to yourself on TV/Movies... do you protest the idea of a straight person playing a queer person? A Christian playing an Atheist? What about a perfect husband playing a wife-beater?

The joy of actors is that they can play roles that they don't fit into perfectly in their home life. I'd protest more the idea that someone has to embody who they are playing in their personal life-- we'd have a lot more murderers running around.

As for school... ideally no one would be bullied. But that dream is a long way off. Right now it is being targeted because of all the suicides. If a rash of 'drama geeks' were to suddenly decide suicide was the best option, chances are there would be action taken.

Honestly, I was bullied for a lot of things in school. I am shy, I don't do sports, I like video games and the internet too much, I got too good of grades... Only once was I ever targeted for being queer. And that one time I was beaten black and blue. All the other things were taunts, a push maybe. It is the severity of the bullying around this issue that makes it so important at this point.

I've always had a hard time understanding Pride parades. For any reason, race, orientation, religion... They seem excessive.

I don't wear a shirt that says "Gay Pride". The closest I have is one that says "4 out of 5 cats prefer lesbians". I wear that because a friend gave it to me, not because I'm queer.

However they are good ways to keep the issues at hand.

There are no straight parades because there is little need to celebrate a majority. They aren't under duress.

As for the Chritianity/religion/Jesus/God thing... Not everyone believes the same thing, as you said. Unfortunately some people believe in spreading hate and fear. With time, and luck, those people may become less common.

Honestly, I did find some of your opinions questionable, but I can agree to an extent. The only thing I found affronting was the idea that you should pray for people who you are trying not to judge. It seems inapproriate to pray for the person. Perhaps pray for an understanding of the person (for your own use), but the person them selves should be able to make the choice of hw and who and what for, when it comes to prayer.

I am sorry you could not keep your friend on Facebook because of their friends, and I am really sorry they attacked you like that. Unfortunately on every side of any issue there will be people like that.

I'm not trying to sound hostile, I hope it didn't come across that way >.>

Update

Preface: Yes, I've not been updating. No, I don't think you care. Updates will be forthcoming after school settles down a bit.
-------------------------------------

Just thought I'd give an update, vis-à-vis this post from about a month ago.

I came out to the general populace as a name changer a few weeks ago. I told a few people about the name change in person, then I changed my name on Facebook, and invited people to call me by this new name. I also gave leave to message me if they had more in depth questions.

A fair number of people asked why, and depending on the person they got slightly different answers.
Generally I'd start out with "I feel it suits me better, for a variety of reasons.". If that didn't satisfy them, and I was comfortable with them having the knowledge, I'd give the canned speech: "I am no longer identifying as female, I am identifying as nongendered, a type of genderqueer where I do not feel either male or female. As such a gender neutral name felt more fitting." They then either went "Oh, cool." or asked more questions.
A large number didn't ask, just "liked" the post. That made me happy.

It's been interesting, and I'm sure it will continue to be in the next 11 months (I've told myself I need to use and identify with this name for at least a year before I will legally change it. I want to be sure (and get the money together). ) There will be a lot of places where if I had the legal identification, it'd be easier. I almost want to just do it and, if it doesn't work, change it back later. But that feels like the wrong way to go about it. Even though it'll be harder to explain in the getting a job setting, etc., I'll just have to muck through it. I'm just thankful that I don't have to go through the mess of trying to change my gender marker, because it doesn't bother me enough that the legal world sees me as female, and because there is nothing more fitting to change it to. I feel so sorry for those for whom that is a necessary step.

There have been a few awkward moments already where I don't know what to say or do. But for the most part it has been great.

I wasn't sure if I'd tell my professors about the name thing. Then I realised that at least my program head would be necessary, if I was going to use her as a reference later on.

Talking to people who I've met once or twice before, so know my old name, but I don't expect to meet frequently in the future...
Basically deciding when and where it is necessary to give out what name.

I've gone the 'easy' route and decided that everywhere at all times is the best way for me. I can clear up the messy bits as I go.

At the LGBT youth group I go to I introduced myself as my new name after coming back from reading week. Then I actually started participating. Talking to people, socializing.
Not to say I didn't speak to anyone there before, but not enough people that they remembered my name.
They all know me as my new name, and they don't stumble or falter in using it. It feels great

.My friends are all trying really hard. I'm trying to be lax about correcting them... it's awkward for me to do because they tend to get angry at themselves for forgetting. And I'm not upset or angry, just trying to help cement the name in their minds. Ah well.

Not to mention the fact that I still "screw up" as they put it. I still chastise myself with the old name. I used to often alliterate the name with words, and those sayings are still stuck in my head a bit.

And there are still times where my old name feels right. They are very infrequent, and make sense when you consider I've had it my whole life.
So really using my old name is still... acceptable, if not ideal.
Anyway. I just wanted to put it out there that this name thing has been near-uniformly positive for me. And I know that people have a hard time when they read all these scary coming-out stories.
My coming out stories from this and from coming out as a lesbian, years ago, are near-uniformly exceptional. If you are thinking about it and/or want some positive examples you're welcome to contact me. I'd love to tell you about all the wonderful, fabulous, exceptionally accepting people in my life.

------------------------------------------
Oh, as a side note, I was down town today with a friend and we took a look in some LGBT friendly (centric) stores. One was a book store. I was so excited. I wanted to read about 3/4s of what was in there.
There was a great looking book on FtM and other female-assigned-at-birth genderqueers and their stories. And one that was an FAQ about sexual and gender minorities (Is it a Choice?). Full shelves of "Lesbian Lit."! Mysteries, fiction, real life, spirituality... There were "normal" books too, but most of the store was LGBT stuff. I wish I had money, so badly.

Neither, and the Choosing of Names

Hey there~

So. I've been doing that thing that I think every one should do, questioning my self.

Not just that kind of second guessing thing, but my self, as in what makes me intrinsically me.

Soul searching, I suppose.

I should probably preface with saying that I've been going to a group recently where one of the opening questions each session is what your preferred pronoun is.

...for those who I've lost, a pronoun is something that replaces a noun. Your name is a noun. So Elsie is a name. If I want to talk about Elsie, I could use Elsie's name over and over, every time I referred to Elsie. But as you may have noticed, that's freaking annoying. So we use pronouns like "she" and "her".

The standard ones in English when referring to people are:

I Me My Mine Myself

You You Your Yours Yourself

He Him His His Himself

She Her Hers Hers Herself

We Us Our Ours Ourselves

They Them Their Theirs Themselves

You You Your Yours Yourselves

Then we have the object ones,

It It Its ...... Itself

They Them Their ...... Themselves

The main ones we deal with are the He/She ones. And that is where there is some issue.

If you are not biologically what you identify as, what pronoun do you use?

Trans people know this fight well.

So people try to create gender-neutral pronouns (Many languages have them. English leaves us with "it").

Ze, Ey and Xe being the most popular that I know of.

But it gave me a chance to mention what I've known for a long time. I don't like using the feminine pronouns (she) to describe myself. (For those who didn't know, yes, I am biologically female. Joy.)

Years ago I thought about using male pronouns. Years ago I briefly thought I might be a transperson, and would want to go the route of changing myself physically. But that never felt right.

I let it be for a while, then I realised that I don't really feel like either. I've known some people who feel like both. Androgynes, Bigenders and Genderfluids, I've known people who describe themselves in all these ways (I consider online friends to be "known", here). But that never felt quite right either. I don't feel like I'm both. I feel like neither.

So I did some research (then, and again recently). There are people who identify as third gender, which is closer to what I feel, but still not quite.

Then I stumbled on agender, or having no gender, and Neutrois, which are similar. Prior to this I had already determined that I feel genderless, I was just looking for words. I still don't like the words though.

I'm going with nongendered. Though linguistically incorrect, I feel it fits best.

Anyway, as this relates to my previous ramble, I want a pronoun that is not 'She' like my sex, and not 'He' as I don't feel male. I don't like the gender-neutral ones (I find them too convoluted and sound weird to my ear when referring to me.) Not to mention that while they may be neutral ground on the scale of male to female, they are still gendered pronouns. Just neutrally gendered. Which doesn't fit.

So I've settled on the logically available pronoun, It.

As English uses It to refer to things, and things are (in the English language) inherently without gender, it makes sense to use It to refer to someone without gender. (Not to mention it just feels right.)

That's one issue down.

The second (and easiest of the three I'm bringing up) is what do I do with my sexuality. I may be agendered, but I am definitively NOT asexual.

Being a bio-female, and being attracted to females, I've always presented as a lesbian. It's easy, it's quick, and it's technically true.

But my definition of a lesbian is a woman who loves other women.

And my definition of a woman is a person who identifies as female (regardless of sex).

So it isn't, by my definitions, true that I am a lesbian, because I am not a woman as I don't identify as female.

And I hate to lie when it is unnecessary.

So what to do.

But I stumbled upon some great words while doing my gender research most recently.

"Androphilia" and "Gynephilia"; attraction to men and attraction to women, respectively.

They are used by researchers and scientists when trying to present data without bothering with gender. A Gynephile is someone who is sexually attracted to women... regardless of their gender. Straight men and gay women are all gynephiles.

So yay, that is a problem crossed off the list with no fuss.

I may not be (by some definitions) a lesbian. But by definition I am a gynephile. Woo.

A third issue is my name.

(I'm not telling you my name for a few reasons. One, if you are reading this you probably already know it (I have no delusions of grandeur, I know very few people read my rants.); two, if you don't know it you don't need to; and three, read the rest of the paragraph and you'll see it is pointless to tell you.)

My name is decidedly feminine. I have never heard of a single man with my name. This doesn't feel right.

I've met a person recently who can't seem to remember my name. So he calls me Sam. Sam is a nice, gender-neutral name. And I have to admit, it felt nice.

It also hearkened back to those years ago where I had thought about changing my name. I've never hated my name, it is a nice enough name. But it has never felt all that fitting. I just don't connect to it. And I figured that was fine.

But recently I've thought, maybe I can have a name that fits me. That I relate and connect to. So I've been on the look out for a new name.

And I think I've found one. It just feels right.

But let me tell you, it was not easy to do. Sort of. Once I found it, and let it permeate, it has become easy. But finding advice about picking a new name? Incredibly difficult.

No offence or disrespect to my trans friends out there, but that is who all the advice is aimed to.

Advice such as finding your name on a ranked list of popular ones for the year you were born, then finding the equally popular opposite gendered one and using that... well, it falls flat.

They have good points and (to me and my situation) pointless ones.

Picking a name that is easy to say, spell, read, and is ethnically close to what you present as, those are all good pieces of advice for my issue.

Feminizing/masculating your given name doesn't work. (For one, my name has no masculine form. For two, I don't want a male name any more than I want a female one.)

So yeah. I just wanted to put that out there. I have an obsession with proper terminology, which can explain why this is such a big thing for me, I guess. Sorry for the long rant, it's just how I operate.

Thoughts on Suicide

Wow, okay, that title is a bit dramatic, I know, but it sums up the following bit perfectly.

I have gone through things that I prefer not to go in depth about, but suffice to say I have thought about suicide many times, and attempted it a couple.

I have hurt myself (mainly through cutting) before.

And I think it is important for me to address the following here, if only briefly (and I have mentioned it in a single line once before), mainly so I can link to this in the future, but also because I don't know who you are, and tough as it sounds, I don't care who or what you are.
But I do care that you are hurting. Because no one deserves to feel that bad.

Who you are doesn't matter to me, because every one matters.

So. If you are EVER feeling suicidal, I want you to right now know that, cliché as the statements are, you are NOT alone, and it DOES get better.

I'm living proof.

You will hear all around you that suicide is not an option. I want you to know that suicide is definitely an option, it will be as long as you are alive, but it should be reserved until every other one has been exhausted.

Suicide is the largest choice you can possibly make but, if you feel the need to make a decision in that area, you need to know that it is a normal thing to think about. It is not something to be ashamed of thinking of, it is not wrong, or sick. It is how you are feeling. And while I fervently wish that you did not feel this way (because it is a crumby-ass way to feel), many people (myself included) understand feeling suicidal, and can accept it.

So please look into counselling in your area and online, look at online communities and IRL help groups, call a crisis line or an understanding person (friend, family member, random acquaintance), go see a doctor-- anything.

Because no one worth the time of day wants you to commit suicide, even if it feels like they do at times.

(Please realise that if you want you to commit suicide, I am not lumping you into that category. You can feel about yourself in that way (though I wish you didn't feel the need to) without being wrong, or evil, or worthless. But coming from other people that is not an acceptable thing to want or encourage or suggest.)

It is a very similar thing if you are thinking of hurting yourself.

It sucks BIG TIME to feel that the best thing to do is to drag a knife across your skin, or stick your hand in fire, bash your arm until it breaks, eat until you puke, to exercise until you can't breathe, etc.-- any way of hurting yourself.

But it happens.

And it happens to a lot of people.

And it is normal. It is NOT wrong. It does NOT make you a bad person.

And you should not be ashamed.

Because the shame will only make it worse.

It would be very nice if you could find a new way of coping with situations, and/or someone to talk to. And I whole-heartedly suggest you look, and keep looking until you find something.

Yeah.

So, there are manymanymanymany, many resources out there for you. All you need to do is look.

If you would like me to post some of the many resources I have come across, I can.
But I, at this point, would prefer if people would look for themselves.

And this is only because I don't know what precise mix of issues you feel ready to look at, and I don't want to be sending you to resource after resource only to find none of them fit (because I don't know you or what you are facing) and get disheartened by that.

(Because I have seen lists of resources like this and found none in a list of twelve or more that seemed to relate to me at all, and I started to feel like a freak "Nobody is feeling this way, they don't even have help for people like me!" and it is totally untrue.)

Also, I understand if you don't agree with me on some points (especially where I say suicide is an option, I know that is a big thing for a lot of people) and I am okay with and accept that.

Please know I am not trying to inflame or start an argument. I just want people in pain to know that I have been there, I care about them, and (in limited and proper ways) am available to them. If you can't deal with that, I would appreciate you show me the same courtesy as I show you, and not attack me, my beliefs or experiences, because they differ from yours.

Good luck,

Have fun,

Be safe.

Gooey Browser, Take 2.

Okay. I hope this post will be a bit more structured than the last (which wasn't really intended to be what it ended up being.).
As stated before, I have some lofty dreams for the future of my internet usage. But, like so many things, I have no intent of follow through, it is just a dream.

Anyway. Let's start with a list of things I want from my browser, and maybe a bit of why:

1. The obvious, web browsing capabilities. I want to be able to navigate to/from websites quickly and easily. Best done, as proven, with a URL box.
2. In-built search function. All the major browsers (which I classify as Chrome, IE and Firefox, though Safari and Opera can get put in if you prefer.) allow some kind of in-built search now. Type into you URL box and it will search if it is not set as a URL. I want this to be a customizable search engine, like Chrome. (Because I like Google. But some crazy people use Yahoo or Bing or whatevs. Not my issue.)
3. I want interconnectivity between everything I do. That means one account to get into my browser, and I have access to my data/files/browsing history etc. wherever I am, whatever I am doing. This means using my browser as, basically, a computer account. It should be like logging into my PC. (Yup, this will become very like the Google Chromium OS)
4. I want modifiable priorities. Person One may be a die-hard news junkie and wants twenty news feeds up all the time. Person Two might be a clean-cut music fan who wants just their browsing and music available. Etc.
5. I want transparency and ease of use. If the browser is going to do something, it should be from my command, or from a set of instructions I have okayed. No downloading without consent, no preferences changed without consent, etc. (Again, rather basic and obvious.)

That's it. A small list, but rather lofty in places.

And the reason it is lofty, and only a dream at this point, is that it requires the internet (or at least every part that gets used) to play nice with one another.

Moving on.

So you open up your laptop, turn on your PC, whatevs. I'm not asking for insta-internet access like the Chromium OS. Don't really care if there is another OS. But it would be nice if it were unnecessary, or at least minimal. Turn that sucker on, open this. You got everything there as you want it. All visible, in fully customizable gel-pockets.

And what I mean by join hands is my #3 point. I want to log into my browser and I want to be logged in to everything I do.
Facebook? Opened in the social media ticker feed. Same with Twitter and Google Plus. (Plurk if you're into that.) In fact, everything that can give me a notification (other than email and RSS feeds) I want to open into the social ticker. That way I can drag that to my main browsing space and look through my everything all at once.
PMs from my forums, Facebook updates, tweets, missed IMs... All there. And constant updating, so when I have it minimised to the little carrel it will scroll along with it's new stuff.

I want my eamil (all of them. Personal, work, other) to be put into another carrel. Same idea here. I want constant updates. When something new comes in I want to drag it to my main browsing space (MBS for ease) and look at it, respond, make new ones, etc. Then throw it back into the carrel.

RSS/Reader/Tumblr and the like to their own bubble. New things in the same way, same functionality.

When in their carrels, these widgets will only show what they are told to (default to New Feed, but can be set to show a stable page/image/etc.).

I want my calendar in a tiny carrel. Look to your lower right screen (Windows). Where the date/time is? I want that to have full access to an interactive calendar (Possibly Google Calendar). Or in a larger one like you see on websites with the whole month available.

I want my music program of choice to sit in a carrel showing what I am listening to with controls all available on my screen.

I want all the standard necessities, word processor, spread sheets, slide-show, image editor, calculator, I want to be able to make databases too, or better sort functions in the spread sheet (either way) and I want them all available as widgets. That way I can throw one down into a carrel and make notes while reading an article. Do quick math while chatting with a friend. Collaborate with someone over video chat on the slide-show for work. Share a spreadsheet and reference it while writing without minimizing and maximizing windows all over the place.

I want share functions. If I am connected to a friend I want to be able to connect one of my carrels to a "sharing" carrel in their browser and have them see what I am doing in that carrel.

I want an in-built video chat that can be put in a carrel as well.

I want a note/comment function. Not only to make documents like above, but also to be able to write a note on a webpage and have that connection saved to my account. That way if/when I ever open that page again there is my note. "Read to this paragraph", "Use this quote", "Look this up"

I want my "Find it New" and "I Saw This".
Find it New, that is my StumbleUpon widget. It comes up with new things it thinks I would enjoy, and gives me things that might challenge me.

I Saw This lets me keep track of what I have seen or not, and whether I liked it. It also lets me tag those things with personal tags, as well as keep my likes organized. It is a bookmarking widget.

I want all my carrels and their configuration to be set up to suit how I use my screen.

I want multiple browsing spaces but I also want tabs.
Difference being if I change to a different browsing space, everything changes except the MBS. All my carrels are set up in another configuration (say, a 'clean' set, where there is only the time and the MBS), whereas a tab would be a subset of the MBS, and would only change within it.

And above all I want all these things to be directly linked to one account.
If someone sees my "profile", they will have access to everything (that I have allowed, of course.) No running from site to site trying to get an idea of who I am.

If I leave my profile public (or if you were a friend) you could pull it up and you would be able to see all of my activity. Browse the favourites I made available. See my updates. Go where I am and participate. Everything I liked or made or commented would be available in one place. (As I so choose, of course.)

Point being that every site would be part of this. There would be no need to log into Vi.sualize.us and look at my pictures. Any picture I liked there would be here, and vice-versa. No need to go to Facebook, you see all my social content here.

So I am not asking much. Just a total re-haul of the entire interconnectivity system that has been around since before I was born.
Unification.

I guess what I want is Google Chromium with a face-lift and the internet to all join hands.

That isn't too much, right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not so crazy to think it would ever be possible. But I just wanted to tell you my dreams.

I know I said there would be pictures, too. That is not this post. There is one more on this topic, then I think we will be done.
Next post will be pictures and a quick overview of features and functionality of this imagined system.

Thanks for entertaining me. :)

New Years

There are many things I don't understand about human tradition, (or at least humans in my culture as, if I were to incorporate the entirety of human existence, the list would be never ending), but one that comes up every year (how's about that) is the idea of 'New Years' and the resolutions thereof.

It isn't that I don't understand the idea of wanting a fresh start, I certainly get that.
But if you want to make a change in your life, why limit yourself to one time of year to start trying?
Every day can be considered the start of a new year. If a year is defined as a space of 365 (or 366) days, or as the amount of time before the earth has done a complete rotation around the sun, either way it will be a full year before January 1st comes around again. Same for the 2nd. Or August 15th. Or any day of any year.

So why is JANUARY ONE considered the best day to decide the curvature of your life for the next year and the years to come?

Honestly, since so many people are drunk on New Years it actually seems like the worst time to decide... anything.

The only time one should commit to a life changing course of action should be when they are ready for a change.
My dad told be something that he had heard once, last week:
"Never change anything in your life until you are completely bored with where you are."

I understand the desire, I just don't understand the significance of a New Year's resolution.
Especially since they are notorious for failure.

If you want to change something in your life, do it.
Don't wait for the new year, don't pin it on the change of time.
Just do it (thanks Nike, now I can never say that with a straight face.).

Of course, if New Years is the only time you think about rearranging your life then that is understandable.
But that pressure for people to have a resolution is silly.
If I don't have a resolution, it doesn't mean I have no desire to change anything.

I made my most recent resolution on the 7th of December. Because that was the day I decided I could not stand one more day of living the way I was.
So I resolved to change.

So I guess the point of this post is to ask:

Do you make New Years resolutions?

Have you ever succeeded with one?

Do you feel you have to make one?

If so, what makes you feel that way?

Why do you make resolutions?

Me?

I do, once every couple of years.

I'm not sure if I have ever succeeded, I don't remember what any of them were.

Yes, I do feel pressured.
People announcing theirs, or asking about mine. When you say you don't have one, that look they get that says that you are lazy, or unambitious, or unmotivated. That look makes me feel like I am wrong for not having one.

I make resolutions (as stated above) when I feel I can no longer put up with what is going on. They can be small ones ( I WILL clean my room today, and keep it clean for a week!) or they can be big ones (I will no longer participate in the vicious cycle of self harm.). But whatever they are, they are sparked by the horrible feeling of worthlessness, and the much better feeling of being better than that. Deserving more than what I am giving myself.
I dont know if that is the "right" way to do it, but it has worked so far.

A Gooey Browser

Let me talk to you for a bit about my dream for the future of internets.

This is the first part, as there are many things I want to say, and the future part(s) will have pictures (yay) hand-drawn by me(ohmai).

Let us start with one thing thing, that would in the end be two.

My biggest issue with StumbleUpon is that there is no in-between, between thumbs up and thumbs down. And then that there is no way to sort the things I liked.

I want an all-around net experience, either in website or browser form (though browser would probably be more effective and powerful for what all I want from my prime internetting experience.)

I want something that can divide my screen into... lets call them carrels. Customizable configuration and number.
I can do this a bit with Windows 7 and browser tabs. But I want something a bit more... gooey... than that.

Honestly, the only reason I haven't pursued my idea for this thing any further than just wanting it (even with my limited coding and such knowledge) is that I can't think of any way to build a better tagging engine. At least, not without more people on board with a Dublin Core or similar metadata format. Because if no one does the front-end work of tagging things, or classifying them in some system (Dewey, anyone?), at our present level of AI, no computer is going to be able to automatically sort everything and apply tags accordingly.
That's why things stay hidden on Google, I suppose.

Anyway, the vision, I guess.

I want StumbleUpon's functionality, pulling up random sites

(though it would be nice to somehow get things not suggested by users. Truly random websites. That goes back to not having the AI to accurately determine site content. Can't have the program trying random strings of letters/numbers/etc. without some way to determine what it is looking at. (Though, if it were to do this as a subfunction, not directly in the line of use... Forming it's own bank of websites as well as suggestions... Hmm.) Though it would be nice to allow NSFW as a filter so you could 'stumble' porn only, if you were so inclined)

liking and disliking, but I want a third option of 'seen'. Because there are times when something gets pulled up on Stumble that is mildly interesting, so I wouldn't mind seeing more things like it (so I don't want to dislike it) but not so interesting that I want to keep it (so I don't want to like it) but I don't want it to come up again (since I've seen it.) So a third option allowing me to tell the program that I saw the website, and don't want it added to my likes or dislikes would be good.

I would say that I want it to mark every landed page as "seen", but there are times when I skip things on Stumble because it isn't loading well, because I don't have time to look at it long enough yet, or because I think I would like it to come up again sometime, as a surprise, I guess. So I wouldn't want it marked as seen.
Though perhaps something like Google Reader's "Mark Unread" would work instead. Eh.

Anyway. That would be one functionality.

I would also like the option to on-the-fly turn on/off NSFW content, videos, animations and content filters.

I also want a "Challenge Me" filter. StumbleUpon keeps track of what you like and dislike, and formats your experience to you. I once wrote a draft of a post (that never got posted) that touched this. Here is the video I really wanted to show you that explains it a bit:

http://www.ted.com/talks/eli_pariser_beware_online_filter_bubbles.html

I want a filter I can turn on that will show me things that fall outside of those bubbles. Just because I never "liked" anything about Prop 8 being shot down from the conservative perspective doesn't mean I don't want to read it. Or that I should never have a chance to be exposed. It would still only show me new things (unseen), but it would ignore the filters of what I've liked/disliked.

Added to these in-use functions, I want post-use functions. This is where I want to attach bookmarking functions to the StumbleUpon functions (as modified above).

PearlTrees is my bookmarking application of choice. It allows me to organize my favourites into, well, trees.

The desire to set my Tree up in Dewey classification is a constant battle between end-use and front-end work. So far the desire for less front-end work has won out.

Regardless, this is part of why I want a 'seen' button on StumbleUpon, for easier conversion to other areas.

I can't find things I've liked on StumbleUpon. I want to be able to categorize them, or have them categorized for me(preferably). That goes back to the top and AI being unreliable.

Yet I don't know how far I've gotten in transferring my 'likes' into pearls as if I remove the like from the item on SU, it will come up again when I go stumbling. And I can't favourite directly from SU to PearlTrees.

It would be nice to have user-end classification, or tags as well. Because a specific site may mean something specific to me, so I want to give it a tag that I can find it by (say, "showmum"). This shouldn't affect anyone else's classification, just mine, within my "browser".


Now, I'm going to snip this here, mainly because I don't feel I'm making much sense and want to draw up some diagrams and junk to clear my head in order to explain better, but also because I have only touched on two of the many things I want to go into the carrels, and this post would get quite long if I didn't.

What don't we know?

It is a question going around the Facebooks' of my friends: Tell me something I don't know about you.

And when you stop to think, how well do you know the people you have on Facebook. (Entertain me for a moment, if you do not have Facebook. Think of a phone's contact list, or people you talk to everyday, or Myspace, Twitter, Tumblr et. al.)

If you're anything like me, not as well as one might want.
I break just under a hundred and half Facebook friends.
I have, at some point or another, met all of them. (With few exceptions. I have not met my sister's boyfriend. I have not met my brothers current wife. About five people I have not met, however I am related to them in some fashion.)

School friends... or acquaintances. Work buddies and/or friendlies. Family. People I meet in various other ways.
Not everyone I've ever met, by any means. I've taken people off my Facebook (Because I don't know them that well), there are people I never accept, or never ask.

But how well do I know any specific one of them?

On average I can probably tell you their name when given a picture, and possibly vice versa.
Birthday? No.
Favourite colour/food/airline? No.

Why I know them and/or have them on Facebook? Most of the time.

I don't know what they are taking in school, I don't know if they have pets or siblings, I don't know if their parents are together or even alive or in the picture.

And I can say the same for them. Chances are they know shit-all about me too. (Unless they are much better Face-stalkers than I...).

What scares me about this isn't that I don't know. It is that I don't care.
For maybe... 15% of those people I know the answers to some/most/all of those questions.
For maybe another... 7% I'd like to know.
(20ish and 10ish people respectively)

That is about thirty people that I want to interact with, that I care about past random curiosity or politeness.

This post has taken a real jog from where I thought it was going.

It comes down to the oft reiterated idea that before Facederp and "social networking", people supposedly knew and cared about more people, because it was necessary.
If I wanted to know the gossip, I had to know you. Or at least someone who knows you.
One didn't get that close to someone without a friendship or a restraining order.

Now I say, hey, that person is some random person I have not talked to except that once, but they are in my class. I'll add them to my -media of choice-. And Now I hear/see everything. Without any effort.
And without the effort the caring goes down.

Anyway, these are old ideas. I want to broach the point of this silly post. (If one can call it a point)

What I was going to say before the rant was how there are these people asking "Tell me something I might not know".
And all I can think is "There's nothing there."
Everything there is to me is out there for you to see. Every nuance, every awkward glance, the things I squwee at, the things I do that scare you.
I have no secrets, or, at least, none that would be worth sharing.

What do you want to know? I am the openest of books.

"If you say something often enough, it dilutes it. Turns the poison into wine, the burns into bug bites. If you say something over and over, eventually it will be gone."
If you tell enough people that you are in pain, or were in pain, or that this'n'that happened here'n'there, they take a tiny bit of it onto their shoulders, a pebble from the boulder you are carrying.

And soon telling people becomes a drug, becomes the one thing you find yourself doing.

And the one thing you hate yourself for.

So no, I have no secrets. I gave mine all away. There is nothing you might not know about me, only things you have never needed to ask.
Because I am an addict to sharing, and you are my dealer.

I am the 1%

To clarify, I have been reading random tidbits about the Occupy movement. I do not know all the facts, and to be honest this is only due to lack of interest.
(though if you were to look at the time between the last post and this one might surmise I haven't been interested in much lately. This would be accurate.)

I do however see plenty of signs and notes in the various channels I peruse.

Most go something like "I have this and this and this problem and debt, I am the 99%".
Others go "This and this and this are fortunate in my life, I am the 1%, I support the 99%"

So I thought I would write one. The ending may be spoiled, but I think it may surprise you anyway:

I am in my second year of college.
When I graduate I will be $20,000+ in debt.

My parents are not able to support me as they are as deep or deeper in debt on one side, just above water on the other.

My stepfather regularily disregards several of his medications for diabetes, congenitive heart failure, extreme pain, and other issues because we can't afford them.
I quit my anti-depressants because we cannot afford them.
I worked all summer and saved for years to help pay for my school.

Most of that money has been used to keep my family afloat.

I am unsure of my eventual employment.

I am the 1%

And there are many things behind those statements that could improve or worsen them, make them seem earth shattering or day-making.
At least once a day I wonder if I am going to make it, or if these troubles will consume me.

But then I remember that small fact.
I Am The 1%.
Globally North America is in a much better position than a large portion of the populace.
Canada especially.

In this country, in this economy, with these factors? Yeah, I am the 99%.
But what is the saying? Think Globally, Act Locally?

I am the 1%. I am the 99%.

I support the 99%

Yeah, another life update.

If you're wondering, yes, I do get sick of talking about myself to the internets.

However I need to get back into the habit of trolling (or maybe "strolling") all my favourite sites again so I can post some content.

Anyway, until then, things have happened around here. Most notably, I'm back in my Residence, ready to start school again.
Which is neat, I guess.
But I don't really know how to react.

As you might remember, I haven't been on medication for my depression since about February. This next month is going to be the real test of the validity of my decision making skills in that regard.
There are days and hours where I feel the best I've ever felt. Full of hope, joy and intention. And in those times (and to be honest, they are rather frequent) It feels like the best idea I've made, I feel free and happy.
Then of course are the most plentiful times, where there is just the 'heh, heh, yeah...' normalcy. And that is good too! That time is what I used to count as feeling GOOD.
But then there are moments like now. I wouldn't say I am depressed, exactly. But I am down from the "level" place. It's usually precipitated by something. A big move, meeting someone who surprises me, a bad memory, or (as in this case) a dream. And these things get me thinking about things that don't exactly qualify as happy.
And I suppose that this is normal; ups and downs, right? And that doesn't bother me that much.
What bothers me is how hard it is to pull out of a down time.
I never get down enough to be really upset, I just get this general malaise about me that is hard to shake.

And it all comes down to regret or fear.
Like meeting a friend from last year (Lets call her R. Because if for some crazy she reads this, she'll know who she is anyway.) that I treated wrongly. Not really on purpose, and not horrifically, but still. Wrong. I regret acting that way to her. And I'm afraid that I will again. Afraid that she is worried that I will.
The fact that she has specifically forgiven me for those actions, and never found them that discomfiting to begin with doesn't stop either feeling.
Having a dream about my teacher; a great dream! a connected, feel good dream!, but having that dream reminds me of actions I took, and actions taken... not against me, but it sure feels that way some times... anyway, those memories again spark regret and fear. Regret that everything got kinda f'd up then/there, and fear that it will happen again here/now. And regret that I can't fix it here/now. Can't even try.

But the biggest thing right now is sadness. Remembering her is like remembering someone who was very close to you who is dead now.
And she's not dead.

So all of those regrets, all of the things you wish you had said/done/felt/meant, you haven't done those. But you don't even have the cruelty of death to blame for your inability to correct it.

Mix this random dream with moving to a new/old place to be with a new/old person, and meeting Good Ol' R for the first time in months (and spending those months believing she rightly hated me)... then spending a night playing card with her. Trying to make awkward conversation.

All those things together and it's not surprising that I feel a bit wiggy.
But typing this has made me feel better. So I guess that's something.

Now to go see if I can battle Rogers to give me back all of my internet.

Toodles.

A more life-y update

As of the airing of this post (Which should be a Sunday, if I've set the advance thing right, and don't think of anything else to post between now and then) there will be three weeks until I head back to school.

As of the writing of this post, I am set to move in on the 4th of September.

Since I don't expect much of the life-changing nature to happen between now (last Sunday) and next (this) Sunday, I figure I'll make a post of what has happened since I left school in April. It's not much.

After exams my mum picked me up from residence. Long drive home, yeah. Once here I spent a few day relaxing, waiting for Queen's to tell me when they wanted me to start working. They didn't, so a week or so in I emailed, got some shifts, and the trudge of this summer began.

I had decided to come off my anti depressants in February, and was fully off them by the time I got home. Combine this with a bit of new-found confidence and self-esteem and a step-father who is... eh, less than all there, and we had problems.

We don't really get along well a lot of the time, through miscommunication and his abhorrence of being wrong. About anything. Ever.

Anyway, a few blow-ups later and things are kinda worked out on that front now. Sort of. As long as I don't say much.

Oh, and it didn't/doesn't help that every time I have an emotion other than cheerful I am told I am depressed and should go back on my meds. But whatevs, right?

I applied for OSAP later than I would have liked because, despite my nagging, my mum didn't remember/had no time to get the tax returns filled out. Yay.

That led to getting my fee deferral forms in at the last moment (Quite literally), raising panic and illness from stress in me.

Not to mention a $1000 fee from residences I overlooked.

But that's all worked out now too.

I saw my dad one weekend, and even got to see Lee and meet her new(not really, just haven't met him since she met him in January) boyfriend. Seems like a nice guy, I guess. Kinda hard to approve of someone in such oddball circumstances.

Upon coming home I was told I would be moving my room out of the basement as it would be becoming a spa for my mum to work out of.

My aunt was going to rent our family room once we made it into an apartment.

Then she was going to rent the basement, but we needed to put a bathroom in.

Then she decided to go move into a seniors apartment complex.

So we started the construction of the spa/clinic/massage therapy rooms in our family room.

There is now no one in the basement, as I moved upstairs in preparation for this kerfuffle.

Yay.

Work was/is boring and hot. I wake up every morning debating the worth of that extra $48 gross.

I missed a lot of work through illness, construction, transport issues and plain "idunwanna"s.

But I've still managed to make close to my goal for this summer.

Last weekend was the Verona Cattail Festival. It was also when a friend came down to Kingston. Brought one of her kids and her new(not really, just never met before) boyfriend (I see a trend here) from Australia. Nice guy for sure. Putting up with kids that aren't yours is a draining thing to do, and he seems to handle it well.

Now I'm practically counting the hours (not yet, though I am counting the days) until I can get back to my home port and be a bit freer to do things of interest.

I have been playing Minecraft (don't tell anyone, I'm still saving the money, so I'm being bad and illegal. Very soon though I will have the total and then I can stop the icky feeling in my gut) and reading. I should have a book review of one of the books up soonish.

Oh oh oh, and, a classmate contacted me about making some hats for her. She does baby (and probably other) photography and wanted cute newborn hats. So I have a bit of money coming my way from that, as well as a possible in to a market. If people ask her, they can buy sort-of through her. This could work out well. -nodnod-

I think that is all the excitement so far, but I have a week to add to this post (through the magic of delay~), and you'll never know the difference!

The Queen's Experience

So as some/all/many/none of you know, I work at Queen's University through the summer. It is the first real job I've had. This summer, as well as last summer.

As you may also know, I am not a student there.
So what I see from work is the view I get of this university.

Which would be great if everything ran smoothly. Of course, it doesn't. But it's not my place to talk badly of my employers, so I leave that there.

No, what I wanted to say is about what I've seen there, and some of the things I've learned from working there.

So, here is a taste of what I call my "Queen's Experience":

1. Humans are packrats. I should know this through personal experience, but somehow coming into the room of someone who is staying for a weekend and seeing the sheer amount of stuff they bring, really drives it home.
2. Humans are vain. Similar to above, how many body washes/soaps/cleansers/deodorants does a person need? I'd say about one of each, not six.
3. People value odd things. They story of a person who called front desk because they had lost 13 cents and thought housekeeping had taken it makes this point for me.
4. People have a hard time recognizing value. Much like above. The number of times things get thrown out as they look like junk, then are called for by students who left and forgot is amazing.
5. People are forgetful when they are in a hurry. Ties once again with above. It seems to me that if you are an international student and you are taking a plane back home in 3 1/2 hours and need to get to Ottawa for that time, the first thing you would check is that you have your passport, ID, health card, and wallet and that they aren't in a drawer or under your mattress.
6. Students are scary. Find one bullet under a bed and it strikes fear in you, lemme tell ya.
7. Students are stupid. Why, why, why is there a traffic sign in the drop ceiling? With 40 pounds of concrete attached?
8. People think they are important. Is it really necessary to sign your name, year and course indelibly into the drawers?
9. Students are crazy. The "hat trick of hat tricks" (three weekends of drinking until blackout each day) is not something you need to write in your desk drawer. Worse is the guy who says he did it every night.
10. Students are awesome. The number of closets with instructions to Narnia...
11. Always ask directions from two different people. What is a simple "down this street, to the left" from one person is "First you take the east doors to, do you know where the east doors are?, okay, take the east doors, wait is it the south door?, well you take the doors and you'll see a statue of a monkey, though it could be a lion, I'm never quite sure... there's a statue, anyway, and..." from another. Learn these people. Avoid.
12. Colour coding is your friend. If one door is Pink, you'll always know where you are. Except when the other three are near-identical shades of blue.
13. Proper signage is a good choice. "A-wing is left. No, right, no, uhm... Directly across?"
14. Elevators will break. I hope you weren't planning on getting work done today, because eleven floors is a lot to climb with a mop and pail.
15. Even signage will fail in the view of stupidity. What is so hard to read about "Shower out of order, please use next shower" written in 2 inch letters? Especially when the only thing in that room is a shower?
16. Transportation is a beautiful thing. Three people, three jobs and one car is not.
17. People are mean. It is hard to know what will tick someone off, and it doesn't help when they over-react.
18. People are kind. Sometimes you'll find a person who will just make your day over and over and over. Cherish them.
19. Being the favourite sucks. Watching people getting put down and and told to do the worst jobs while you are favourited makes you feel squicky.
20. Not being the favourite sucks more. Being put down and getting the worst jobs isn't fun.
21. Getting demoted from favourite to not is the worst. People remember when you held that high seat, and aren't always forgiving.
22. Scheduling's a bitch. 9-1, Monday to Friday is nice, 9-1, 8-4, 9-4, 10-2, 9-1 is not. Not even counting weekend work.
23. Sometimes life is just a calamity of errors. "I won't be in as I am: sick, stressed, rescheduled without prior knowledge, helping with construction, the heat/humidity is too bad, sick, car was being fixed, parents were sick, other people need to work, no way to get home..."
24. Five day weekends aren't that great. I'd rather a two-day weekend where I actually did anything, to a five-day one where I sleep.

So, yes. These are things working at Queen's has taught me. There are other things, I am sure, but this list is long enough, ne?

Here's a question for those of you who have/have had jobs:

What's the most important thing you've learned from them?

Still Alive

No, this isn't a post about Portal, though that song is quite catchy.
Just saying that I'm still alive, despite not posting here in over a month.

Haven't really been in the mood, and haven't really been doing anything worth talking about.

I am re-enrolled in classes for next year, yay. That went through at the very last moment of today.
I applied for my Gen-Eds, with Healthy Living as my first choice. Second is Reading for Recreation, third, Science Fiction.
My roommate to be and I are getting psyched. She and I are in the same class, so decided it would be mutually beneficial for us to share a room.
I just hope we don't end up hating each other.

I picked up bead spriting. Which is basically a means to bring my loves of pixel art and melting things with a clothes iron into one craft.

I have been, for a long time now, rather upset by the number of crafts/hobbies I have.
I can't afford all of them (obviously. I have the time but not the money for anything, really), and I can never really excel at any of them.
So I put a lot of effort into thinking about how to narrow my choices. I never really come up with any conclusions.

Paper making has to go. I know, I've talked about it here several times, and I realyl do enjoy it, but look at it this way:
Soon (in the next two years) I will be moving out into the world on my own (or, likely, with roommates) Probably into an apartment or small house. Where will I put a large 3x5' vat of water? Where will I let 11+ sheets of sopping paper dry?
It is a space thing, mostly.

Knitting and crochet are on a back burner. The wool I have now, I am confining myself to.
Spinning is allowed to continue, and I can then knit/crochet with that. It is a good solitary thing, and stick spinning is also good for doing around people. Transportable. A high Pleasure:Cost ratio, too.
Felting sticks with spinning. I like it too much to get rid of entirely, and the materials pack down into tight places when not in use.

Writing/conworlding/languaneering( I like this term. I may have just made it up >.>) stay, because they take up little to no space (except on a disk drive); because I don't think I can ever stop; because they keep my mind sharp and active; because if I abandon all I have created, in a hew weeks I'll want it again and I'll be cursing myself.

Pixeling and, by relation, bead spriting: I want these to become a forefront activity. Pixeling is art, and I like art. Bead sprites allow me to bring that art into something tangible. I like tangible.
Plus, if I get better, I can make 3D objects. (Better than the one 3D I've made so far, at least.)

My problem with video games is that I don't get enough enjoyment/use time out of them compared to cost. I love playing pokemon, but I don't want a DS just to play them. Some PS3 games interest me, but I know that compared to the cost, they aren't worth it.

What I really need from a hobby is something that is fun, I can do by myself for the most part, but engage in a social side of it from time to time as well.
I thought once that DnD or Heroscape would do this for me.
Then I realised that, while I have friends, I don't tend to have friends who want to do the same things I do, or for the same reasons, or at the same times or....

I don't work well in social mediums I guess is what I'm getting at.

Which is my task for this school year, according to my counselor.
Yay.


Tangent much?
yeah, you should get used to that around here.
Neseta usoma!

A week of no post. I know, unprofessional of me.

The deckle did not work as it was laid out to, however I think this is a fault of my inferior mold. I was able to pull a couple of test envelopes by covering the deckle in screening, thus making it into a shaped mold, but they are not of the quality I require. More thought must go into this.

I have been watch Star Trek. The Next Generation, not the original or any of the more recent ones.

I prefer Picard to the other captains, plus this one has Data, a much favoured character of mine. Perhaps because of a philosophy class in which (while discussing metaphysics) we watched "The Measure of a Man" an episode from the second season.

I started last Monday, and am now half-way through season three of seven.

I crafted some communicator pins out of sculpey, but I believe they are too brittle for the job I wish them for. I hope them to be costume pieces for a friend of mine. She has a greater interest in Star Trek than I, and I vaguely recall suggesting I make one for her.

I need to find a less brittle substitute, or perhaps bake the sculpey longer, I'm not sure.

The construction is coming along well. By then end of today I anticipate the drying of drywall mud precipitating the beginning of flooring.

I have been pixeling. I think that I have made some progress, and that my time away has allowed me the confidence to see that.

The other day (Thursday) I was waiting for the bus (it is to become a common occurrence as a way to bring me closer to home after work.) on the Queen's campus.

There were graduation ceremonies, I believe, going on.

I thought I saw someone who was once greatly important to me.

However this is unlikely, but it stirred feelings in me that I am evaluating. It is a good notch on a stick of reference.

Anyway, I tire of this entry. Another episode is in order.