The Feeling Cycle and How to Stop Attraction

What do we do with feelings?

It is easy to say we should just live them, but feelings can be painful, they can be confusing, and they can be damn inconvenient.

I have had a rough time with feelings in my life; for the longest time I wished I didn't have to feel them at all. I willed myself to be numb.
At times I managed that- to feel nothing. The big problem being that feeling nothing is about as crummy as feeling crummy.

So I learned how to feel. It took a long time. I had many relapses into wanting to be numb. But that is not an easy possibility for most people. Especially hard for someone who doesn't really drink, and entirely doesn't do drugs.

Acceptance of my feelings was the biggest thing. To accept that I could feel ______, and that that was okay. I didn't have to like it, I could try and change it, but I had to recognise the fact that at that moment I did, in fact, feel that way.

Which has led me to where I am now. I accept my feelings. I frequently do not like them, but I accept them, and allow them to happen.

That is where the inconvenience comes in.

I have feelings for someone. Okay, I can accept that and let them happen- which I have been doing.
However now I am getting signals from them that my feelings are deeper than theirs; a very common predicament.

And I'm actually okay with that! I do not mind trying to ramp the feelings down. I think I would actually prefer the relationship on that "lower" level.

I just don't know how.

I never got to lesson two of feeling school: how to change them.
Okay, that is a lie, I know the basic gist- thoughts become actions, actions become emotions, emotions become thoughts. Alter any one and the others will follow.

And I've done it before to good effect.
It is just always a hard process.

I'm just glad it never broached the line into a romantic attraction; as a greyromantic individual I find that kind of attraction very hard to deal with, both having and getting rid of.
But it did cross the lines from aesthetic and platonic to sexual and sensual attractions.
And that sensual one is killer for me. The other three are easy enough to toss to the side as needed. But the sensual one... It lingers.

Which comes back to, what do we do with feelings? Specifically misplaced ones?

What actions do I need to take to change my thoughts and feelings? I can't control my feelings, I have only a little control of my thoughts, but my actions... I can change my actions however I like.

I don't know what actions I need to take, but I'm going to do whatever I can think of. A beautiful side effect of feeling love for someone is that you want to give them what they desire. In this case their desire is for me to not desire them.

Wish me luck.

It will be okay, if you let it be.

I've been talking with a friend, and that got me thinking- a dangerous pastime, I know.

People live in fear.
(Not the most revolutionary thought, but bear with me.)

People lie, deceive, fight, and generally feel bad... because they live in fear.
We fear talking to one another. We fear sharing the most intimate parts of ourselves with others.
We fear ridicule, exclusion, outright rejection.
We fear feeling hurt.

We fear talking to each other. But that is often exactly what we need to do to alleviate the fear!

If we can be honest with those around us, if we can be open, and clear, and just say what we mean (and mean what we say), then we can get rid of the unknown "will they like me, won't they say no, what are they thinking?"

Once the unknown becomes known, the fear is defeated.
Sure, it could be replaced with hurt. Or it could be replaced with joy.
New fears may come to light, but old ones will be reduced to shadows.

But no matter what happens, you have been honest, with yourself and with others. You have made your thoughts, feelings, and needs clear- open to the world.
How can you get what you want if you do not ask for it?

I think the hardest thing is figuring out how to be okay no matter the outcome. Then you are strong enough to face the fear.
Ask someone a question, will you be okay with any answer?

Lets say you ask someone for a date. There are only two likely outcomes:

Yes,
or,
No.

Will you be comfortable with either of those?

Not necessarily like both of them (surely one is more preferable), but be able to say "That is an acceptable answer."?

Say they say yes. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?
Say they say no. How will that make you feel? Are you okay with that?

Until you can be okay with any answer (again, don't have to like it), the fear will still be there, will still be winning.
Until you can be comfortable that your feelings are valid and valuable, you'll always be hinged on what other people say, how they react.
You have to be okay. 
Okay with feeling hurt. Okay with feeling dumb. Okay with the 'bad' things in this world.
Otherwise you are giving other people the power to dictate your emotional state.

You don't have to LIKE them! By gosh, you can hate them.
But you have to be okay. You have to accept that those feelings can happen, and let them happen.

Or you will forever be in fear.

Semi-Annual Update

Here I am again, blogosphere! (always wanted to use that word!)

I felt it was time to give an update, and thought I might try writing here a bit more again.
We'll see how that goes, I am rather spotty with this stuff.

These last six months have been some of the most turbulent I've had in quite a while, and perhaps the best since I was young. A lot has changed, and I've come to realise I've changed a lot.

I started school again back in September- something I thought I wouldn't do for many more years.
This came about only by completely forsaking my past dreams.

I have, for many years now, wanted to be a librarian. I wanted to spend time in the library, shelve books, do research, help people.
I went to school for that exact purpose! I took two years of post-secondary schooling to earn my Library and Information Technician diploma (an Associate's Degree). I loved everything I learned, I especially loved cataloging and my placements.
But I didn't love myself.
That last day of school was incredibly tough on me and mine- I was very close to successful in a suicide attempt.
I moved back home after that, defeated, tired, broken. I had given up on everything, I had given up on giving up. I was ready to just live life at the bare minimum until I could finally f'ing leave this world.
I got a job at a big box store. A soul-sucking, mind numbing, physical labour job on the night shifts. They screwed me over from day one, telling me I was full time(and giving me full time hours) but hiring me as part-time. So no benefits for me!
I worked there for a while before managing to move out somewhat on my own. My mom rented out the upper apartment and I the lower of a two apartment unit.
I actually did quite well on my own- for a few months, I ate healthily, I got to a good weight, I got to work on time, enjoyed my time off.
Soon though it all caught up to me. I started getting depressed again. I was having panic attacks, I couldn't go to work. I had to take a leave of absence. Then another. Then finally I had to quit- because I was moving to Ottawa to live with my Blue Bird!
As we know things got a little better from there.
Then worse.
Then good.
Then weird.

Now I am here, and I realised I was never going to be that librarian. The person who wanted to be that didn't even exist any more. That brings us up to about here.

I waded in that uncertainty for a while. In that time I became vegan again- a very good choice!
I decided in August that I wanted to open and run a vegan restaurant. If you can't find a job make one, right?

So on the 2nd of September I applied to St. Lawrence for Business Fundamentals. On the 4th I was accepted. On the 8th, I started. And it has been a bit of a ride since then!



OSAP has been a bitch, but I think I've got that sorted.
Decide I don't want to date or think about girls until I was a bit more... man.
That went so well /s. Met a very pretty girl.
Oops, I think she thinks I'm stalking her?
Oh well.
"Shit, my penis broke!" is not a sentence any man wants to have to say.
Oh, shit, her boyfriend is mad.
Avoid, avoid, don't make this weird/creepy, avoid.
OSAP wasn't sorted, maybe it is now?
Nope.
Starting gender therapy? YES!
I guess I'm f'ed if I really want to start a restaurant- it's going to be years of saving money and no one who knows things about the business thinks it'll work out.
Finally, OSAP!
Oh, I guess I like accounting now.
I can have an appointment around February to start hormones? !!!!
Oh, fuck, I really like accounting now.
Is.. is my teacher really that cool, or am I crazy?
Whelp, I guess I'm an accountant now.
Yes, yes she really is that cool.
Oh, gosh, and she's nice.
GSA! GSA!
I think I'm weirding her out.
Queer sports!
Nope, she's into it.
EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
I think we're friends now?
Holidays are tomorrow?!
We're definitely friends now.
4.0 GPA? o.o



And now we're now. I'm doing really well in school!

I'm an accounting major now. That puts at least another year on my plate, probably 3.5 more though, as I think I'll aim for CPA.
What have I gotten myself into?

Despite thinking I should stay away from girls I've lus(h/t)ed after one and... entangled... myself in another. Girls are weird, mang. But that is a whole different kind of blog post.

I have been getting psychotherapy! It is great- despite causing an existential crisis. Through that I have been put on a wait list for an endocrinologist in Peterborough- probably see them mid February, and start testosterone soon after? o3o?



There. That's your update for today. Though I feel like I have a bunch more to say (and probably some things to elaborate on, but...).

I believe...

Do you ever sit and wonder about this mess we've made of the world?
I find myself doing that a lot.

I know it doesn't help anyone or anything to be bitter or complain. It's just that sometimes the world feels overwhelmingly diseased.
Humans have stripped and raped the earth, beaten it to within an inch of its life. And yet the "people in charge", as it were, seem to not realise... or, maybe more accurately, not care.

It is hard to look at dying ecosystems, suffering livestock, polluted waters, smog filled skies, starving and homeless masses, endless pointless wars, and people growing sicker every year... and think "this is how it is supposed to be".
Just because the upper echelons are telling us that this is the best way.

Statistics tell us that crime rates are going down. After hitting a peak in the early '90's they've been steadily going down.
They show that undernourishment has also been dropping since then.
War (deaths) is down. Life expectancy is up.
Yet what do we see in the media? What messages are we bombarded with on a daily basis?

Be afraid.
Consume more.
Hate yourself.
Don't be informed, learn from us.

Why can't the world be idealised?
I mean, I recognise that not everyone shares the same ideals... However I have to think that there are some underlying commonalities. If only for my own sanity and hope.

So here's what I believe.

I believe that lifeforms were not made unto this world to suffer.
I believe there are ways of living happily, with wealth, that do not involve harming others.
I believe there is enough in this world for everyone to live a life of wealth and happiness.
I believe that most of today's "necessities" are useless and wasteful.
I believe that most of what today is considered "waste" are the important things.
I believe that the world is flawed, and we need to change it.
And I believe simplicity is the answer.

So out with the new, and in with the old.

“The only people who can change the world are people who want to. And not everybody does.”

― Hugh MacLeod 

A Different Kind of Hope

The one thing I've gained from this time of upheaval and change in my life is something that, up until now, I've felt I had little of in my life.

Choice. Options. Freedom.

You see, part of the journey I have gone through is the shedding of old thoughts, of old dreams, hopes, desires.
I have shed chunks of my old self like dead skin.
I am still in the process of doing this, and there are other parts I want to shed. Other motivations (or lack there of), other thought processes and ruts that I want to leave by the wayside.

I am slowly erasing and rewriting the giant storyboard that is my future.

But part of this metamorphosis involves the very difficult and scary process of finding new goals, new hopes, new stars to shoot for. Of, in certain ways, designing a new person to become.

Now, perhaps this has something to do with the other things occurring in my life, mainly my transition from perceived female to perceived male. There is an almost necessary reinvention of self involved with such a life change.

But I want to take it beyond that. I am young, I have no commitments (no job, to significant other, no kids, no mortgage), and no attachments other than my parents, my cat, and my friends. I am in a prime position to upheave my life and change the path that I am walking on. (If we discount the fact that I also have no money, and some student debt)

So the questions then become: What do I do with this freedom? Who do I want to be?

And I don't have an answer.

At least, not a clear and solid one. I have had flashes, ningling feelings, patchwork glimpses of bits and pieces that I want.
All that's left is finding the backing to stitch them to, and the thread to tie it all together.

So I no longer have the clear-cut hopes I grew up with, the crumbling foundation that never supported me the way I wanted it to. Instead I no longer have other peoples' thoughts clouding my mind, and I'm trying to grow wings to stop the fall.

And that's a different kind of hope altogether.

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor

Divine Dines: "Better"finger Bars

Welcome back to Divine Dines!
This week we're taking a look at a fabulous dessert bar recipe that I found on Chocolate Covered Katie.

Vegan "Better"finger bars.

And you're just like "what?". They are like Butterfinger bars, but "better" for you. Get it?

Now, you can see her whole recipe here along with some absolutely drool worthy pictures, but as usual I will relay what I did here:

Ingredients:

• 1/4 corn syrup
• 1 tbsp molasses 
• 3 1/2 tbsp sugar
• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 1/2 cups Special K
• 1/8 tsp salt 

I doubled the recipe.

1. In a medium saucepan combine the corn syrup, molasses and sugar. 
2. Bring to a boil on medium heat
3. Stir constantly for about a minute
4. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and salt
5. Return to heat to melt peanut butter because it took too long adding it
6. Remove from heat and add cereal
7. Curse yourself for using such a small pan
8. Return to heat to make mixture soft enough to stir in cereal, making sure it is evenly coated
9. Once fully coated remove from heat
10. Press mixture into a pan lined with parchment (8x8 for a single dose recipe)
11. Freeze until solid
12. Thaw enough to cut into bars
13. Eat

Optionally melt some chocolate and coat the tops of the bars before cutting. I didn't and they were still amazing.

French Obsession

Bonjour!

As I mentioned earlier, I have been using Duolingo again. It has been eating all my time.
As I have ever changing interests, it has become my top one with my other interests taking a back seat.
So bear with me, I'm not in a writing mood. My apologies about this.

As for this week's World Building 101, it is on hiatus. I over estimated my ability to write blog posts on a normal schedule while using my mother's computer.
No worries, I'll do my best to get back on the horse in the future. But for now, I need a break.

But onto the meat of today's post. My current and ever fluxing obsession with French.

Like most young Ontarians I took French from a young age and continued until it was no longer required to do so. I never liked French, I called it the devil's tongue. I always got good grades and generally understood what was being taught, it just never quite clicked with me.

Fast forward to college where once again knowing French was mandatory. So another two semesters of French courses into my head, still to no avail. Good marks, general understanding, nothing more.

Then I met the girlfriend. Oh my. A native French speaker who (luckily for me) is also fluent in English. Perfectly bilingual and seemingly perfect in every other way. Talk about igniting passions.

My desire to learn French and talk to her in this language became great. I picked up my books, grabbed my pencils and went scribbling madly away trying to master this oft maligned language.

But it wasn't to be so easy. Life changes, depressions, changing interests have all gotten in my way. However, slowly, steadily I've been getting better. You won't be seeing any posts written entirely in French any time soon, but I am definitely improved from when I wouldn't give the language a second glance.

On again, off again, on again, goes my ferocity with learning. Days and weeks at a time I'll hit the books every day, learn new things and practice. Then the same amount of time will pass having done nothing. Total burn out. But I come back each time, stronger than before. Sort of a two steps forward one step back process. I'll get there, just slower than someone who walks the whole way.

Anyway, with that I bid you adieu.
À bientôt!

Computer Issues; Work

So I have some very bad news. Not for you necessarily, but for me.

My computer died. Two weeks ago by the time of this posting.

The hard drive is fried.

Luckily I had just recently reformatted the hard drive, so all of my files were backed up within one day of the crash.

However, this means I am currently in the position of having to use my mother's computer, when she is not. Or using my tablet (which is not fun to type on).

So I'm well set for internet browsing. But as far as typing up scores of blog posts my options are more limited.

But don't worry, I'm still trying my best to get my requisite number of words out there all the time, so things should stay near normal around here.

Beyond that I have been working at Wal-Mart again, and doing pretty well anxiety wise. This is great news for me as it means i have some income again!

This time next week I hope to be off in Ottawa visiting the girlfriend as she will be freshly back from Paris.

That's all I have as far as life updates, but I thought I should let you know.

Cheers!

Designing a Solitaire Game

In light of my ever changing passions your regularly scheduled Gimme Games is becoming another changable day.

So my passion of the moment is Solitaire Game Design. Games that can be played, or are meant to be played with only one player.

In a recent post I talked about my current working prototype, the (solo) Amusement Park Builder. This game is now on version 2.2 of the rules, so that post is outdated. In the new rules the game is quite fun, I believe, but lacks a real goal beyond "Beat your high score!". I feel this is a detriment.

As such I thought I would ramble a little bit about what I believe are the principles of solitaire game design.
(Discounting electronic games, of course)

1. Firm Goals
• Less a principle of solitaire design as a principle of game design in general, a solitaire game must have firm goals. Something towards which the player is striving. While it is possible to get away with "beat your high score" it is much more engaging to a player if there is a firm end condition where you can say you won, and another where you can say you lost. 
• Firm goals also refers to goals within the game. There need to be easily measurable and distinct stages of the game from which you can gauge your performance. 
2. Luck vs Strategy
• In a solitaire game luck has a much greater place than in a multiplayer. This is because without the unpredictability of other humans to take into account, the game can become too cut and dry. This is not to say that the whole thing should be based on luck. Far from it. There needs to be a great deal of strategy as well, as the player has as much time as they would like to devote in order to develop a plan of action. A careful balance of luck and strategy is what is needed in order to truly stimulate the player.
3. Play Time
• This is the most variable and personal quality, I believe. Both long and short games have their place in the solitaire world. A 15-30 minute game is a great filler while you wait for friends to arrive, or between classes, or any number of places. But a long 1-3 hour bonanza of play time is also great for those nights where you can't get anyone together. A game that has a variable and decidable play time with a large range would be ideal, as it could fit both niches.
4. Scalability 
• The ability for a game to scale beyond one player seems a bit anathema to the principles of solitaire design, but in reality it is a major factor in whether people will play. It is much more enjoyable to find a game you really like and are good at, and then be able to share it with friends than it is to ave it to yourself forever.
5. AI
• Solitaire games are much more enjoyable when you only have to play from one side. This ties back into luck and strategy. If you have to constantly shift gears between "Player 1" ad "player 2" you have less brain power to devote to coming up with ideal strategies. Luck therefore makes a great opponent and should be used to help mitigate the brain power needed to play two sides.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, just a smattering of ideas I had while thinking about solitaire design, but it is certainly a list I would stand behind. 

Duolingo

No Game a Week this week as I am in a creative rut.
Instead, let's take a look at a neat application I found a while back, and you might have noticed on my list of places to find me.

Duolingo is a free language learning application that spans platforms.
I have it on my computer through the web, my iPod and my Android phone.

There are currently five completed courses for English speakers, French, Spanish, German, Italian and Portuguese. There are also another seven "Hatching" courses- courses that are still being built and tested. There are many more in the incubation stage- ideas that are being thrown about. There are also courses available or in the Hatching stage for speakers of other languages.

But on to the actual learning aspect. Each course is divided into sections, and each section is divided into skills with each skill holding lessons. Confusing? Not really when you take a look at the headers. French for instance is divided into four sections, each containing a number of skills, such as "Plurals", "Science", or "Adjectives 1". Each of those skills has one or more lessons in it, which teach you the actual use of the language.

They teach you through several methods. They have you translate both to and from your target language, they have you write what is said aloud to you, they have you repeat aloud what they have said and there are multiple choice questions. But what is really unique isn't what they are teaching you, but how. You have three "lives" each time you try a lesson. Each time you make a major mistake they will reduce your lives, until you have none, at which point you must start that lesson over.

Not only that, but the site plays like a video game, giving you points and levels in all the courses you take (yes, you can attempt more than one language at a time!). It also hosts a leader board where you can compete with others from your friends lists from Facebook, Google+ or twitter, or just people you meet through the site itself. It also has a winnable currency that you can use to buy new lessons, new ways of practicing, or power-ups for when you practice. There is also a place where you can bet some of your earned "Lingots" (as the currency is called) that you will maintain a week long streak of using the site every day.

The main thing I found fascinating is that each skill you complete is given a strength rating that fades over time. You can strengthen your learned words at anytime through the practice section, which spits up words you have likely forgotten through an algorithm.

The site is eager to help you with all words directly translated on a mouse over, canned speech of each word used in the language, and a special "Immersion" section. This area has the site as a whole translating documents from one language to another, with users rating each other (and thus giving points) based on accuracy.

This Immersion section is also how the site stays afloat. Duolingo is an ad free site, and is completely free to use (not even freemium!). Instead they earn money by the collective work of their students translating documents for paying customers. Pretty sweet system for everyone involved.

Anyway, I'm done talking for today. I hope if you are looking to learn a language you'll give Duolingo a try, and feel free to try and best me (you probably will!)! You can find me there at ekobor as always!

World Building 101: Preliminary Creature Design

I'd like to take a moment to appologise for missing last week's post. I apparently forgot to hit publish on this post and left it in draft status.

Moving on, this week, as previously promised we are taking a look at more concrete world building. This can be considered the "fun" part. I'm going to walk you through how I build a creature. While it often starts from a sketch, today we're going to look at it from the other angle I take.

The first step is to remember a few key things about our planet. Namely that it is warmer than Earth and has roughly the same gravity. This means that we are limited to some degree in where our creatures can go. We are unlikely to find a woolly mammoth roaming about on our hotter than Earth planet, and we are also unlikely to see elephant sized creatures flying through the air. Keeping those things in mind lets develop a small desert creature

The next step I take is to research where nature has gone before. Nature is incredibly creative and will almost always think of things you don't. I looked up "small creatures of the desert" and got this website. From there I take a look at many of the creatures listed and figure out how they survive the desert heat. I'm especially looking at the mammals, birds and insects, as I am interested in making a creature with some kind of coat.

What I notice immediately from the mammals is that they all have big ears. I remember from previous research that this is a great cooling adaptation. I decide my creature will have big ears, probably to the extent of a fennec fox:

However between the birds, insects and mammals the largest creatures are still quite small and svelte. So I know that these ears will be the largest part of my creature.

The next creature that captures my attention is the lappet-face vulture. I mess with the idea of using its featherless face for my creature, but toss it aside. I've settled that this creature will be a mammal, and a forager, not a scavenger in need of protection from rot. 

I make a few rapid fire decisions here, I like the idea of protective horns, as seen on the horned lizard and the pronghorn. I also like the general size of the kangaroo rat, and the general shape of the black-tailed jackrabbit. I now have an idea in my head about what my creature would look like, so I set off to draw it.

It takes a few sketches to get all the angles and everything right, but soon enough I have a good idea of the creature I am making.

At this point I start filling in details. What is it called? How big is it? What does it eat? All the general encyclopedic questions. Some of these will be hard to answer, having only made one creature in our world, so I will either skip it, or fill it in with made up nonsense that is subject to change.

Here are the questions I used and how I filled them out:

Name: Horned Cavret
Size: 6-9" long
Eats: Omnivore; mainly feeds on plants and insects
Habitat: Desert
Home: Small caves and crevices, or dug burrows

As you can see there is very little information at this point. But it is a start.

Divine Dines: Chickpea and Black Bean Crackers

Welcome back to Divine Dines! This week we're going to look at a vegan cracker recipe that I've made twice now.

This time I found the recipe on Love Food Eat, I went with her Oil-Free Healthy Chickpea Crackers.

You can either follow that link or follow along with me here as I discuss the changes and mistakes I made.
But first:

INGREDIENTS:
1 540ml can of chickpeas
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp dried thyme

1. Preheat oven to 160C (320F)
2. Open and rinse your peas. Rinse them really well so that all of the gritty muck that they are packaged in is rinsed away.
3. Next, using a food processor (or a potato masher and lots of arm strength) mash the peas into a nice thick paste.
4. Add in the flour and seasonings, and combine fully.
5. On a sheet of waxed paper roll out your dough as thinly as you can. Seriously. I rolled mine to about 1/8th of an inch and it was way too thick.
6. Cut out your crackers (whatever shape you want) I suggest 1 1/2 inch squares. 
7. Place them as close as you like on an ungreased cookie sheet, just make sure they don't overlap
8. Bake for 20-30 minutes, or until they are crispy. This may take a while!

So first, my modifications. I used canned chickpeas rather than rehydrated dried ones that were suggested. I found that easier and quicker (it is also what we had on hand). Next, I used seasoning salt instead of regular, which gave the crackers a little more kick.

Finally, on my second batch I used black beans instead of chickpeas, which turned out great! I think I'll try kidney beans next.

On to my mistakes. I only made two, but they seriously effected my outcome: 

1. I didn't roll mine thinly enough. I rolled and rolled and rolled, but they were still about 1/8th of an inch thick. This feels too thick.
2. I didn't cook them long enough. If I had left them in the oven longer, it probably would have mitigated the thicker cracker. As it is I left them in for the suggested 30 minutes, and instead of crispy crackly crackers, I got a strange kind of chickpea leather. 

So in the future I will roll even more (ow, my arms...) and bake longer. They really need to be crispy to be fully enjoy.

As it is, however, the flavour is wonderful, even if the texture is lacking.

Gimme Games: Samurai Sword

This week's Gimme Games is all about the game Samurai Sword.

Basically just a rethemed cover of BANG! Samurai Sword does a few things differently, I hear. 

Published only two years ago in 2012, this game is relatively new. 

I've played it twice now, both times at game night at the Kingston Gaming Nexus. Once we played with three players, and another with seven. So I've seen both ends of the player count scale. And I must say, the seven side is a lot more fun. 

But first, lets look at the game. Samurai Sword is a card game for (as mentioned) three to seven players. In it one player is the Shogun. Then there are Ninja, who are trying to kill the Shogun. There are Samurai who are trying to protect the Shogun and there is a Ronin, who is just trying to make it out alive. Only the Shogun's identity is known, all other players are hidden roles.

Each player gets a hidden role card. They also get a character card which gives them special abilities. Finally they are given three cards to form a hand. Each turn they draw a card and they may play as many cards from their hand as they can, however they may only play one weapon (unless they have a special effect in play). 

Weapons are the interesting part about Samurai Sword. They have a certain amount of reach, and each do a certain amount of damage. You determine reach by seeing how many living players there are between you and the one you are attacking. Players are not considered living if they have no health points or no hand, so may be skipped over when counting proximity.

Gameplay is usually fast paced, though it drags on a bit in a seven player game. I quite like this game for the speed in at which each turn goes, but the length of the game overall is a bit off putting. With three players the game goes much faster, however is less entertaining as there are two Ninja against one Shogun.

The art is stunning for this deceptively simple little game, and the cards are sturdy. I especially like the little heart and honour tokens included with the game. It all fits into a nice sized box, and is easily portable.

All in all I enjoy this game and wouldn't hesitate to add it to my collection, as it is a fast paced multiplayer game with a nice hidden role mechanic.

Game a Week: Amusement Park Builder

This week we are looking at my latest amusement- ahem, I mean game. It is still very much a work in progress, and isn't really a "Game a Week" as I have started it well before the beginning of this week, and intend to keep working on it. But I thought I would show what is eating my time.

I've trying really hard to develop a solo game that uses the shake and make mechanic. So I did my best beginnings. I chose the amusement park theme because of Boardgamizer, and quite like the idea.

First pass rules:

1 player
Hard limit: 12 turns
Make the best amusement park possible in a year!
Shake and make: 3 equal segments 1, 2, 1

To play the game you start by randomly placing a face up chit on each of the nine spaces.
The number corresponds to how many customers you will get if you build there.
You then shake the container, and read your results. Depending on colour of the button (brown, white, green) you collect one or two cards of wood, metal or money
You may spend the resources listed to buy new attractions or build roads as listed:
2 wood, 1 metal = minor attraction (x1 customers)
3 wood, 2 metal = medium attraction (x2 customers)
4 wood, 3 metal = major attraction (x3 customers)
2 metal, 1 wood = road
2 money = 1 of either resource
5 money = 2 customers

You can then use your resources to build as much as you like.
Every amusement must be attached by a road to a previous amusement.
If you build a road past an open spot for an amusement, that spot is now defunct and cannot be built upon.
When you build an amusement you gain the number of customers shown on the chit, times by the size of amusement you built. (chit says 2, built a Major amusement, you get 6 customers (2x3))
Once twelve turns are over count out your resources, any set of five is equal to 2 more customers.
Count your customers, that is your score.

I'm trying very hard to design it in such a way that everything will fit in the box I am using for the shaking, so everything is rather tiny.

I like it as a jumping off point, but there is very little tension, and the number of customers gets bigger than I would like. So I need to mull on it quite a bit more, but I thought I would share where I'm at.

If you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them!

Divine Dines: Soft and Chewy Coconut Bread

So I spent the day cooking the other day, and boy was it worth it. Not only is everything delicious, but now I have some things to share! So follow along with me as we delve into some Divine Dines!

First up is a beautiful vegan bread, from Averie Cooks. Only eight ingredients and it makes a nice sized loaf in about four hours.

INGREDIENTS:
1 cup coconut milk
1 cup old-fashioned whole rolled oats (not quick cook or instant)
1/4 cup water
2 cups all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons light brown sugar, packed
2 1/4 teaspoons instant dry yeast
pinch salt, optional and to taste

The directions, as I followed them, are as follows:

1. Start by microwaving the coconut milk for 2 minutes to boil it, then add it to the oatmeal in a medium bowl. Add in the 1/4 cup of tap water (room temperature or colder). 
2. Wait for that to cool to be touchable, then add half the flour, salt and oil and stir into a soupy sort of mess. Now it should be cool yet warm enough for the yeast, so add that in along with the sugar and stir. 
3. When that is incorporated,  add the rest of the flour. It will now become too thick to stir, so start kneading with your hands.
4. It will be very super extra sticky and moist. This is good! Don't add any more flour.
5. Preheat the oven to 400F for about a minute and a half, then turn it off.
6. Grease a large bowl, and then put your sticky mass in there, then cover the bowl in saran wrap. Put the bowl into the warm oven to rise.
7. About an hour and a half later (or when the dough has doubled) pull it out and unwrap it.
8. Spray down an 8x4" loaf pan with cooking spray
9. Punch the dough down to it's original size, then knead it for about three minutes on a floured surface.
10. Flatten it into a rough rectangle about 8x6"
11. Rub brown sugar onto the exposed side (this is optional, and you could add anything you like here)
12. Roll from the long end to form a log, then lay that log seam side down into the great pan.
13. Cover with saran wrap (very loosely!) again and let sit to double again.
14. Finally preheat the oven to 350F. Remove the saran wrap and bake the loaf for 30 minutes, or until it is golden brown and sounds hollow when tapped.

Apparently you then let it cool completely before cutting it, but I certainly didn't. We left it for about a half hour, but no longer. And boy, was it delicious!

We ate it plain and with butter, and the sweet yeasty flavour was to die for! I certainly cannot recommend this higher!

Gimme Games: Ascension: Immortal Heroes

As promised last week when we talked about Ascension: Storm of Souls this week we are talking about its expansion pack, Immortal Heroes! I picked this baby up at the ever wonderful Nexus for about $30.

Included in this pack are:

• 30 Honor Tokens split into 15 large red ones, 15 small clear ones
• 184 cards split into 
• two starting decks of eight Apprentices, two Militia
• one Cultist
• two Fanatics
• 16 each of Mystics and Heavy Infantry
• 69 center deck cards
• 40 new "Soul Gem" cards
• 20 new "New Event" cards

My initial impression of this box was not favourable, and I'll tell you why. The rulebook. 100% the rulebook. Unlike the Apprentice Edition or Storm of Souls (admittedly both "starter" sets) this box set does NOT contain all the rules necessary to play the game. If you do no already know how to play the game, you are up a creek on with this. For me this was a major drawback, as I bought this set before Storm of Souls.

In Immortal Heroes they have new event cards, as well as cards that read New Event. However how these event cards work is not explained at all. The New Event cards are explained, as they are new to this set as part of a variant rule. 

Apart from having extremely incomplete rules for a set that says in has everything you need to play, this set adds some new and interesting gameplay. Trophy Monsters now have the addition of Ongoing Trophies, which stay with you, giving their effect each turn. There are also Soul Gems.

Soul Gems are where Immortal Heroes gets its name. Soul Gems are basically heroes from older sets brought back to life for a turn. They are new on the Always Available lineup. These cards are brought into play through either Trophy Monsters or Heroes whose effects tell you to draw a Soul Gem. You then get to use that Soul Gem, or discard it at the end of your turn.

All in all Immortal Heroes is a great expansion, but it is just that- an expansion. If hey had made it clearer that Storm of Souls was required to play, I probably wouldn't have bought it so soon. However regardless of what feels like trickery, I quite enjoy this expansion and would really love the chance to play more of it!

Game a Week: Religion Rally

This Tuesday we're taking a look at a game I made in a few minutes based on a Game Design Showdown prompt of (basically) Religious Micro Game.

This game is a dice and card game which involves fifteen cards and twelve dice.
In it you take on the role of a religion trying to gain followers. You do this by rolling dice.

2-4 players, 10-15 minutes

Game contains:
12 custom six sided dice
15 cards
Rules

The Values of the 12 dice are:
1 Follower x12
2 Follower x8, Priest x4
3 Priest x8 Event x4
4 Revolt x10 Event x2
5 Cruelty x12
6 Crusade  x12

In this game players play as their own Religions, attempting to gain followers.
Players put all the dice into a bag and shake them up. They then blindly select one, two or three dice to roll. They roll them one at a time, resolving the faces as they come up.
If a player rolls a follower, they put that die in their pool
If a player rolls a Priest, they select one other player to reroll a follower in their pool. If they roll anything other than a follower that die goes back in the bag.
If a player rolls an Event, they draw a card. These cards force you to reroll the next die you roll that it names. There are three each of the following cards
Reroll next Cruelty
Reroll next Crusade
Reroll next Revolt
Reroll next Follower
Reroll next Priest
A player may only have one event at a time, and are required to draw a new one when they roll an Event face.
If a player rolls a Revolt they must put one follower from their pool back into the bag
If a player rolls a Cruelty, that die is removed from the game
If a player rolls a Crusade that player must reroll a follower from their pool. Anything other than a follower goes back into the bag.
Once a die is resolved it is either placed into the player’s pool (followers) or returned to the bag (everything else)

Play continues until there are no more dice left to roll. The player with the most followers at this point wins.


I've playtested it a few times to try and even out the dice faces, and this is as good as it is getting, as I am busy working on another game. I hope you enjoyed this week's Game a Week, and I'll see you on Thursday for Gimme Games!

World Building 101 - The Solar System

Last time we decided a couple of main facts about our planet:

• The world is warm
• It is roughly Earth sized
• It is based on silicon
• It has the necessary atmosphere to support itself
• It is closer to the sun

and from that we extrapolated:

• There is life
• There is less need for fur or other heat retaining constructs; lizards and other cold-blooded animals may be more common
• There is gravity about equal to ours, meaning the animal and plant size is limited
• Alien life forms can exist and be very outlandish in appearance
• The year is shorter and has longer harvesting times

Today on World Building 101 we look to the skies. Namely, what surrounds our little planet? We already know it is closer to the sun than Earth, but how much closer? Is it the only planet or are there several? Is there one sun? Two? More? How many moons? What are the other planets?

We'll wipe up these questions quickly:

• There are six planets in our solar system
• Our planet is the third from the sun
• Our planet is approximately 100 million kilometers from the sun, about 50 million closer than earth.
• The sixth planet is a gas giant, 
• There is one moon and one sun
• There is a satellite entity in addition to the moon 

In order, this tells us that:

• We are in a midsized system
• We're blocked from some solar radiation
• We're warmer than Earth
• There is something wiping up asteroids for us
• The day/night cycle is similar to Earth
• The tides can be a little wonky

That's all for this week, a very short post. But next week we are going to take a jump to our planet's surface and hash out the really interesting things, such as flora and fauna!

Until then, ekobor out!

Writing a Book

Hello there, welcome back to another week on the Dylan show!
...ahem.

This week I am all entranced with the idea of writing a book. While in the past I have completed the writing portion of a children's book, 3/4ths of one novel and 1/3rd of another, I have never actually completed a book satisfactorily. As a lover of books and writing, this feels a little sad.

So I have taken it upon myself to write something again. And what better to write about than my current love, game design? That's right, I, who has never published a game, think I can write a book about game design. Why? Because there are very few resources out there for board game designers that really go through the whole process. So much of it is shrouded in mystery and "just figure it out" that many designers are starting basically from scratch each time they make a game. And that is a huge barrier to entry into a field that I think more people would enjoy.

They say that every gamer (and many non gamers) has at least one game idea kicking around in their head. The idea being that every gamer has played a game that they weren't entirely satisfied with, and so developed this thought of "I could do better". I like to believe this is true. I like to believe that every gamer has the potential to "do better". Why? Simple, because there are as many good games as there are gamers. What is perfect to one might not be to another. If a game doesn't sit right with you, I think it is entirely logical to warp it to fit your style.

With this in mind, that means there are hundreds and thousands of nascent game designers in the world, yet only a handful of recognised ones. Part of this is because there isn't a lot of profit in board games, especially now that video games have taken their toll. The other part I believe is because people are discouraged from trying. They get their idea and then there is a long, winding, poorly lit path from conception to actualization. That is where the book comes in.

The plan for the book is to break down the design process in discrete steps, from Brainstorming and Finding Theme all the way to Pitching Your Idea and Selling. In this way it should create an easy to follow guide for finding and developing an idea, all the way to the point of getting it out into the world for all to see.

But why do I think I'm qualified to write this book, as I have no discernible expertise in board game design?
Well, I think I'm qualified because I'm the one willing to do the research and collate it all into a book form. The information people need is already out there, for the most part, it just takes a lot of searching to find it. With my schooling in researching topics, I feel that I have a good chance of finding everything I need and being able to reference it accordingly.

Anyway, now you know what I've been working on this week, and likely will be for many weeks to come. I hope that someday soon I have enough done that I can share a rough draft with you, at least of some portions. Until then, have fun and good luck!