A Different Kind of Hope

The one thing I've gained from this time of upheaval and change in my life is something that, up until now, I've felt I had little of in my life.

Choice. Options. Freedom.

You see, part of the journey I have gone through is the shedding of old thoughts, of old dreams, hopes, desires.
I have shed chunks of my old self like dead skin.
I am still in the process of doing this, and there are other parts I want to shed. Other motivations (or lack there of), other thought processes and ruts that I want to leave by the wayside.

I am slowly erasing and rewriting the giant storyboard that is my future.

But part of this metamorphosis involves the very difficult and scary process of finding new goals, new hopes, new stars to shoot for. Of, in certain ways, designing a new person to become.

Now, perhaps this has something to do with the other things occurring in my life, mainly my transition from perceived female to perceived male. There is an almost necessary reinvention of self involved with such a life change.

But I want to take it beyond that. I am young, I have no commitments (no job, to significant other, no kids, no mortgage), and no attachments other than my parents, my cat, and my friends. I am in a prime position to upheave my life and change the path that I am walking on. (If we discount the fact that I also have no money, and some student debt)

So the questions then become: What do I do with this freedom? Who do I want to be?

And I don't have an answer.

At least, not a clear and solid one. I have had flashes, ningling feelings, patchwork glimpses of bits and pieces that I want.
All that's left is finding the backing to stitch them to, and the thread to tie it all together.

So I no longer have the clear-cut hopes I grew up with, the crumbling foundation that never supported me the way I wanted it to. Instead I no longer have other peoples' thoughts clouding my mind, and I'm trying to grow wings to stop the fall.

And that's a different kind of hope altogether.

A Year in the Life

This has been one of those years where everything has come full circle.
This time last year I was sitting in this room, on this computer, preparing for my move to Ottawa.

Today, I'm sitting in this room, om this computer, coming down from the move back from Ottawa.

The move that, last year, I thought wasn't going to happen.

But time gets the better of us all, and change is inevitable. 

So why don't we have a quick recap?

I moved to Ottawa, moved in with the wonderful and beautiful Blue Bird.

We had found a nice little apartment and set up a nice little home.

And things were good. 

But things got harder, as they tend to.

I could not find a job that was at all suitable. 

I was forced to start back on my medication.

Blue Bird wasn't able to save up much money, and I was able to save up none (funny how that happens when you have no income).

We got a new kitten, Kitty, in November. 

Then (finally!) in December I found a job that was as good as it was going to get. I became an Order Picker for the Giant Tiger Wholesales corporation. It was hard and physical work, and left me drained most every night. 

Then, in January, Blue Bird's job became part-time, as her school year started up again.

Thankfully we were still bringing in enough money (a little more than before, even). 

But our time was drastically cut, as she had school and work to do and I had a job that took basically everything from me.
Things were still pretty good. We still loved each other, and enjoyed what time we had together.

However, more change was right around the corner. In the time from mid-January to mid-February, I came to a conclusion in my life, one that has been coming for a long time. 

I came out to Blue Bird that I am not the relatively simple genderfluid that I had believed I was, I was a more complicated version of that. That I was now certain that I wanted to physically transition from female to male. 

For weeks after this we tried everything we could think of to make this dichotomy work; a male and a lesbian in love with each other.

But the fact of the matter is, like so many others faced with a similar situation, we could not make it work.

So we broke up. We back dated this break to when it was first considered necessary, early February. 

In the time since I have been trying to make sense of my life now. I spent the last almost three years with this beautiful, amazing woman and now I am trying to figure out a future without her. 

Our lease was not up until the end of this month, so we continued living together until earlier this month, when I was able to get my things together and move back in with my mother.

It is the friendliest breakup ever, but it still sucks. 

But at the same time, maybe it was for the best?

It gave us time to evaluate what we truly want from the future, and come to realize that our ideals do not align quite as well as we would have hoped. 

So now here I am, unattached and jobless, living with my mother in Kingston once more. I have a lot of time on my hands with which to consider my life and my future. But that is content for another time.

This time around I'm going to try not to fall into the trap I've fallen into every other time I've blogged. I have no plans, no set number of posts a week, no running segments. 

No, this time I am just going to do what I do best. I am going to be me. Raw and open, explaining the world as best as my limited understanding allows.

I hope that it is helpful to someone, even if that is just myself. 

Over and out,

ekobor

Divine Dines: "Better"finger Bars

Welcome back to Divine Dines!
This week we're taking a look at a fabulous dessert bar recipe that I found on Chocolate Covered Katie.

Vegan "Better"finger bars.

And you're just like "what?". They are like Butterfinger bars, but "better" for you. Get it?

Now, you can see her whole recipe here along with some absolutely drool worthy pictures, but as usual I will relay what I did here:

Ingredients:

• 1/4 corn syrup
• 1 tbsp molasses 
• 3 1/2 tbsp sugar
• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 1/2 cups Special K
• 1/8 tsp salt 

I doubled the recipe.

1. In a medium saucepan combine the corn syrup, molasses and sugar. 
2. Bring to a boil on medium heat
3. Stir constantly for about a minute
4. Remove from heat and add peanut butter and salt
5. Return to heat to melt peanut butter because it took too long adding it
6. Remove from heat and add cereal
7. Curse yourself for using such a small pan
8. Return to heat to make mixture soft enough to stir in cereal, making sure it is evenly coated
9. Once fully coated remove from heat
10. Press mixture into a pan lined with parchment (8x8 for a single dose recipe)
11. Freeze until solid
12. Thaw enough to cut into bars
13. Eat

Optionally melt some chocolate and coat the tops of the bars before cutting. I didn't and they were still amazing.

French Obsession

Bonjour!

As I mentioned earlier, I have been using Duolingo again. It has been eating all my time.
As I have ever changing interests, it has become my top one with my other interests taking a back seat.
So bear with me, I'm not in a writing mood. My apologies about this.

As for this week's World Building 101, it is on hiatus. I over estimated my ability to write blog posts on a normal schedule while using my mother's computer.
No worries, I'll do my best to get back on the horse in the future. But for now, I need a break.

But onto the meat of today's post. My current and ever fluxing obsession with French.

Like most young Ontarians I took French from a young age and continued until it was no longer required to do so. I never liked French, I called it the devil's tongue. I always got good grades and generally understood what was being taught, it just never quite clicked with me.

Fast forward to college where once again knowing French was mandatory. So another two semesters of French courses into my head, still to no avail. Good marks, general understanding, nothing more.

Then I met the girlfriend. Oh my. A native French speaker who (luckily for me) is also fluent in English. Perfectly bilingual and seemingly perfect in every other way. Talk about igniting passions.

My desire to learn French and talk to her in this language became great. I picked up my books, grabbed my pencils and went scribbling madly away trying to master this oft maligned language.

But it wasn't to be so easy. Life changes, depressions, changing interests have all gotten in my way. However, slowly, steadily I've been getting better. You won't be seeing any posts written entirely in French any time soon, but I am definitely improved from when I wouldn't give the language a second glance.

On again, off again, on again, goes my ferocity with learning. Days and weeks at a time I'll hit the books every day, learn new things and practice. Then the same amount of time will pass having done nothing. Total burn out. But I come back each time, stronger than before. Sort of a two steps forward one step back process. I'll get there, just slower than someone who walks the whole way.

Anyway, with that I bid you adieu.
À bientôt!

Computer Issues; Work

So I have some very bad news. Not for you necessarily, but for me.

My computer died. Two weeks ago by the time of this posting.

The hard drive is fried.

Luckily I had just recently reformatted the hard drive, so all of my files were backed up within one day of the crash.

However, this means I am currently in the position of having to use my mother's computer, when she is not. Or using my tablet (which is not fun to type on).

So I'm well set for internet browsing. But as far as typing up scores of blog posts my options are more limited.

But don't worry, I'm still trying my best to get my requisite number of words out there all the time, so things should stay near normal around here.

Beyond that I have been working at Wal-Mart again, and doing pretty well anxiety wise. This is great news for me as it means i have some income again!

This time next week I hope to be off in Ottawa visiting the girlfriend as she will be freshly back from Paris.

That's all I have as far as life updates, but I thought I should let you know.

Cheers!

Designing a Solitaire Game

In light of my ever changing passions your regularly scheduled Gimme Games is becoming another changable day.

So my passion of the moment is Solitaire Game Design. Games that can be played, or are meant to be played with only one player.

In a recent post I talked about my current working prototype, the (solo) Amusement Park Builder. This game is now on version 2.2 of the rules, so that post is outdated. In the new rules the game is quite fun, I believe, but lacks a real goal beyond "Beat your high score!". I feel this is a detriment.

As such I thought I would ramble a little bit about what I believe are the principles of solitaire game design.
(Discounting electronic games, of course)

1. Firm Goals
• Less a principle of solitaire design as a principle of game design in general, a solitaire game must have firm goals. Something towards which the player is striving. While it is possible to get away with "beat your high score" it is much more engaging to a player if there is a firm end condition where you can say you won, and another where you can say you lost. 
• Firm goals also refers to goals within the game. There need to be easily measurable and distinct stages of the game from which you can gauge your performance. 
2. Luck vs Strategy
• In a solitaire game luck has a much greater place than in a multiplayer. This is because without the unpredictability of other humans to take into account, the game can become too cut and dry. This is not to say that the whole thing should be based on luck. Far from it. There needs to be a great deal of strategy as well, as the player has as much time as they would like to devote in order to develop a plan of action. A careful balance of luck and strategy is what is needed in order to truly stimulate the player.
3. Play Time
• This is the most variable and personal quality, I believe. Both long and short games have their place in the solitaire world. A 15-30 minute game is a great filler while you wait for friends to arrive, or between classes, or any number of places. But a long 1-3 hour bonanza of play time is also great for those nights where you can't get anyone together. A game that has a variable and decidable play time with a large range would be ideal, as it could fit both niches.
4. Scalability 
• The ability for a game to scale beyond one player seems a bit anathema to the principles of solitaire design, but in reality it is a major factor in whether people will play. It is much more enjoyable to find a game you really like and are good at, and then be able to share it with friends than it is to ave it to yourself forever.
5. AI
• Solitaire games are much more enjoyable when you only have to play from one side. This ties back into luck and strategy. If you have to constantly shift gears between "Player 1" ad "player 2" you have less brain power to devote to coming up with ideal strategies. Luck therefore makes a great opponent and should be used to help mitigate the brain power needed to play two sides.

This is by no means a comprehensive list, just a smattering of ideas I had while thinking about solitaire design, but it is certainly a list I would stand behind. 

Duolingo

No Game a Week this week as I am in a creative rut.
Instead, let's take a look at a neat application I found a while back, and you might have noticed on my list of places to find me.

Duolingo is a free language learning application that spans platforms.
I have it on my computer through the web, my iPod and my Android phone.

There are currently five completed courses for English speakers, French, Spanish, German, Italian and Portuguese. There are also another seven "Hatching" courses- courses that are still being built and tested. There are many more in the incubation stage- ideas that are being thrown about. There are also courses available or in the Hatching stage for speakers of other languages.

But on to the actual learning aspect. Each course is divided into sections, and each section is divided into skills with each skill holding lessons. Confusing? Not really when you take a look at the headers. French for instance is divided into four sections, each containing a number of skills, such as "Plurals", "Science", or "Adjectives 1". Each of those skills has one or more lessons in it, which teach you the actual use of the language.

They teach you through several methods. They have you translate both to and from your target language, they have you write what is said aloud to you, they have you repeat aloud what they have said and there are multiple choice questions. But what is really unique isn't what they are teaching you, but how. You have three "lives" each time you try a lesson. Each time you make a major mistake they will reduce your lives, until you have none, at which point you must start that lesson over.

Not only that, but the site plays like a video game, giving you points and levels in all the courses you take (yes, you can attempt more than one language at a time!). It also hosts a leader board where you can compete with others from your friends lists from Facebook, Google+ or twitter, or just people you meet through the site itself. It also has a winnable currency that you can use to buy new lessons, new ways of practicing, or power-ups for when you practice. There is also a place where you can bet some of your earned "Lingots" (as the currency is called) that you will maintain a week long streak of using the site every day.

The main thing I found fascinating is that each skill you complete is given a strength rating that fades over time. You can strengthen your learned words at anytime through the practice section, which spits up words you have likely forgotten through an algorithm.

The site is eager to help you with all words directly translated on a mouse over, canned speech of each word used in the language, and a special "Immersion" section. This area has the site as a whole translating documents from one language to another, with users rating each other (and thus giving points) based on accuracy.

This Immersion section is also how the site stays afloat. Duolingo is an ad free site, and is completely free to use (not even freemium!). Instead they earn money by the collective work of their students translating documents for paying customers. Pretty sweet system for everyone involved.

Anyway, I'm done talking for today. I hope if you are looking to learn a language you'll give Duolingo a try, and feel free to try and best me (you probably will!)! You can find me there at ekobor as always!